Letting the days go by…

So, I just keep waiting..

and waiting..

….. And waiting..

What for? You might ask.

Good Question.

As a kid.. You’re just constantly told, “When you grow up…” yadda, yadda, this, that, the other. It just kind of creates this expectation that it’ll happen one day. You’ll just wake up and be an adult. Everything will be as it should be.

Several years back, after losing the girl I intended to spend the rest of my life with — don’t worry she didn’t die, it’s not that kind of story, I adopted the mentality that I should just take life one day at a time. Just go with it. Let the days go by. Don’t be so involved with everything. Don’t have so many worries and concerns. Life will happen when it happens. I guess I just figured I’d follow the idiotic and trite remark that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. My theory, I guess, was, well.. Fuck the other plans then.. I’ll just wait for life to happen. I don’t care what happens. So long as it’s something. Ya know? Just something of meaning. Something to not leave me feeling so empty and unfulfilled. To anyone who isn’t a first time reader here, it will come as no shock at all that all I ever wanted was to get married. Honestly. I don’t even care anymore. I just want to be with someone who loves me at this point. We don’t have to get married. Don’t have to make plans. They just need to love me, and be honest with me. I don’t that’s too high of standards. But, I’m often wrong, as must be the case here.

My relationship went to shit because we were both too young, mainly. It happens. Ya live and learn. So, that’s what I attempted. “Just take your time,” “Just let it happen,” “You’re trying to hard,” “Love will find you when you least expect it,” I can go on forever. Anyone who’s ever been unhappily single can tell you the million stupid phrases that stupid people got from stupid movies to try to make you feel better. Well. As someone who’s spent over half of my 20’s doing exactly that. I can tell you. It’s. Fucking. Bullshit. Love will not find you. It’s not gonna seek you. If you don’t make something happen. Then it never will. Complacency will get you no where.. Well.. That’s a lie.. It’ll get you sitting home alone on another Saturday night. Watching Netflix with your cats. Wanting nothing more in the world than someone else to sit in bed and watch it with you. Just wanting to be in your 20’s. To live them like you’re supposed to. According to the movies. Curled up in bed. Playing on your cell phones. Pizza and cheap wine. Netflix. Teenage feelings of invincibility fading, but being totally cool with that. Still staying up to late, but getting up and chugging coffee before work. A smooth transitioning into “adulthood.” Sucking the marrow from life growing and ever evolving in meaning. Learning who means what to you and developing your lasting friendships of a smaller circle. And finding your person. Just doing life together. No major cares and concerns yet. Just enjoy the final years of carefree ‘youth’ before having children. But, on that path. Paying bills. Making decisions. Do we eat ramen tonight and save money or go out to eat? … Making plans for the holidays. Who’s family do we see when? …. It’s the simplest little things. … but I want that.. … I want to decorate a little shitty tree in a little shitty apartment that we managed to afford together.

The grass is always greener.. Yea. Okay. Whatever.. I live alone, in a pretty big house. I have fast internet. A big flat screen. A gorgeous hand-built wooden bed. I have nice appliances. Amazing stainless full fridge. I have nice furniture. A nice, semi-expensive new car. Another decade old car, and an antique car. And I honestly believe I’d be 10 times happier if I were struggling With someone. Yea. It’s all nice. But it means nothing alone. I always joked I was just gonna stay single and be rich. That wife and kids were what took all your money. Well I can tell you. I’m far from rich. But I wouldn’t choose that life for one second. I want the shitty rom-com life. I’ll take the boring picket fence. Sure I want to travel the world. And I could be doing it right now. I’m constantly told that now is the time. But whats the point. If I don’t get to share those memories with the person I want to share them with. They might as well be dreams.

Some people will say life’s short. Others will tell you it’s the longest thing you’ll ever do. It doesn’t really matter if you don’t enjoy it, though. It’s true that you only get one life. You don’t get to retry. So take a risk. Or don’t. Go with the safe option. Or go with the long shot. But pick something and go with it. I can tell you don’t just wait around and see what happens. Because the answer is nothing. Life won’t come find you. It’ll go straight by. You gotta catch it and ride along.

I’d like to say I’m gonna change my life due to this epiphany. I’d like to say I’ve seen the error of my ways. But I won’t. I’m gonna continue to do the same thing. As far as I’m concern. It’s too late. I’ve already missed everything I want in life. I can’t spend my teenage years making mistakes. I can’t spend my early twenties with good people. Just trying to get by. I can just remember that I was always responsible. Always did the responsible thing. Chose the safe option. Worked every weekend. Made money and provided for myself. Yea. My life is easy. But if I had it to do all over again. I can tell you I wouldn’t for a fucking second choose this path. I can’t go back. I can’t go to the parties…. I’ve never been to a party.. I’ve never danced with a beautiful girl on a dance floor. … And there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t make bad decisions now. I can’t live. I made my bed. Yea, it’s nice. My mattress is super soft. I’ve got feather pillows. Amazing blankets. And yea, I dunno if I mentioned it but my bed is gorgeous. But it’s boring. It’s not the bed I wanted.

… So I guess mine is a cautionary tale. Don’t be responsible. Don’t always go with the safe choice. Do what will make you happy. Adults are wrong. Most people who tell you how to grow up. Tell you the opposite of what they did. Which is, I guess, exactly what I’m doing. But, I can tell you. Seeing the look in their eyes when they remember the stories of their youth. Listening to them talk about glory days. You can see they wouldn’t give up those memories for anything…. I don’t have that. I have no stories to tell you. You won’t see a gleam in my eyes when I recall for you the past 10 years of my life. It’s not joy you’ll see. I made the safe choices. I was responsible. I was an adult. And I can tell you. I hate it.

Live your life. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Or next week. Next year. It’ll get here when it gets here. You seize tonight. You make it happen. You make it what you want. You can live with your regrets when you wake up. But they’ll fade. And you’ll always have the memories.

Whomever you are. Where ever you are. Just be happy.

 

 

Open Door

Starting is hard, ya know? Starting conversations. Starting Friendships. Starting the day. … starting blog posts.. It’s just always a bit difficult to get started.. But once you get that ball rolling it just seems pretty effortless to continue most of the time. If it’s meant to be, anyway. A ball will only roll itself uphill so far.

Sometimes, I just go way out of my way to start conversations and try too hard to talk to people. And it just doesn’t go anywhere. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s Maybelline. At any rate. It just ain’t happening. I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on myself about these things, I mean, after all, I did try my best and do everything I could.

Anywho, that’s really not what was on my mind. Things have just been difficult lately. I’ve just wanted some people to talk to so badly. And it just hasn’t been working out for me. And then the light bulb in my closet blew and I can’t seem to find a proper replacement and now my closet is all strangely lit and doesn’t work like it used to as ambient light. It’s just this whole thing.

So, I guess I’ll just tell you about my recent events and heartaches. So, Saturday, I’m feelin meh. I decide I’m just gonna stay in and play video games all day long. Yea.. You know where this is going. I get up. Make french toast, (I really wish I had someone to make french toast for. I want to cook breakfast for someone. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!?) eat said french toast, sit down and start playing. Yep. Then my mouse breaks. Well. It’s pretty hard to play computer games without a mouse.  But, with the recent snow days, I wasn’t 100% sure I could afford to buy one and pay my bills that are currently due and still be able to eat and buy gas etc etc etc. So after some charts and graphs and whatnot I finally elect that I can buy a mouse. I go to the store. I buy a mouse. I figure, since I’m in need of cat litter and Petsmart is next door, I might as well run get some. Which I just now realized is still in my car.. Man I’m smart.. Anyway. So, they’re having this puppy adoption thing there. First off, they can go to hell. How they gonna try to grief me into buying adorable puppies. I work too much for a puppy. I couldn’t stand to leave the poor fellow home alone that much. So I’m just looking at this puppy. Petting it and what not, I look up, and there is this just insanely gorgeous girl. Pink hair. Black hoodie. I’m like… Fuck yea. I may actually have a chance with this girl. She seems like we could get along well. So, I go up and say hello. LOL JK BISH. I walk off and go get cat litter, buy it, and leave. While at my car I decide no no no no. No. no. Just no. No. Get the hell back in there. So I go back. I wonder around and try to psych myself up to talk to her. I see her like twice and both times she’s having conversations. No.. I wasn’t stalking.. >.> .. Don’t judge me.

So anyway, I see her again, and she’s talking to someone I know. — Quick back story of weird coincidence. The person she’s talking to, is a girl I met at the beach 10 years ago whom just so happened to live like 10 minutes from me. Anyway, we’ve talked here and there on occasion. Kept up. The last time I saw her was 4? years ago.. at an art show I went to for extra credit in an art history class. She was there doing the same for a different class from a different college. Not too long after that she moved fairly far away. And I really haven’t talked to her since. Friday night, yes the night before, she messaged me just completely out of no where and started talking. She was living back here again and such. Just talking to catch up I guess. So yea, I now see her talking to this beautiful girl at Petsmart, of all places. — So. I mean, taking advantage of this Awesome burst of luck I go up and talk to my friend so that I can use this occurrence to meet this girl. ..LOL JK No I didn’t. I quickly just walked the fuck off before she noticed me. I messaged her and was like, Hey, just saw you. O.O .. Anyway, they both disappeared and I went on with my day.

I was just terribly depressed that I had missed my chance to talk to this girl that seemed so so perfect at first glance. And that I just completely blew it, just like my light bulb, and now I’ll never know. Regret is a terrible, terrible feeling.

While getting lunch, I messaged my friend, and said, Sorry, You disappeared. And so did that gorgeous pink haired girl. So I didn’t get to say hey to you… Or her.. =/

“Oh sorry I didn’t see your message or I would have said Hi. And that’s (name). She’s my work friend.” …

Oh.. … Oooooooh. You know her.. Oh.. Uh.  *Dies

So, I got the girls number from her and now we’re married and lived happily ever after.

LOL JK. No I didn’t. I didn’t mention the topic at all and instead decided to pretend the whole thing never happened.

 

So. I guess the moral of this story is. Meh.

 

Today I met this girl, on Tinder. Yes.. I know. I judge me, too. But I’ve never actually met anymore from there. Just people to talk to. I mean, it’s better than a chat room or something, … right?

We talked about Nessie, and fairies, and all the reasons why science can’t prove that they don’t exist, and how science is essentially a religion. Using stories they’ve invented to explain things about the universe that we’re trying to understand. I mean. It was a long, in-depth conversation, which I’m clearly not going to bore everyone here with. Maybe later. But it was very lovely. Then she had to go to work. And well. I don’t assume I’ll ever hear from her again. Because that’s how my life works. But, you know, I assume it’s karmic retribution. Because I’ve done it to so many people for so long. So maybe mine wasn’t exactly the same. But I never let anyone in. I never truly give anyone a chance.

I’ve met the love of my life. And so, with that knowledge, I don’t think I ever truly expect anything to go anywhere or any potential suitresses (the closest word to exist for the female of a suitor), what few and far between they are these days, to actually have a chance at all.

For me. It’s never been a ‘what might have been?’ It’s always a ‘what will be?’ I’ve never truly given up on her. On you. I think it’s just always waiting. Just trying to find something to do til you come back to where you’re meant to me. Til I’m back where I was meant to be. Not a memory. Still very much past, present, and future.

After hearing the other side of that though, I feel like I’m being a huge asshole. That maybe, leaving that door open is the worst possible thing. Hope. Hope is something that keeps people from ever moving on. So long as people think there’s a chance, I don’t think they ever truly let go of things. And maybe, though it’d tear my soul in half, maybe I should just shut that door. Maybe it’s what prevents both parties from just being truly happy. I don’t know. As always. I don’t have the answers. I know I don’t want to let go. I know I like that door. And asshole as I may be about it. I like that you know the door is open.

 

 

… Try

I know I’m a rocky start. I know often times I don’t seem worth the effort. And I know it may be a lot of effort sometimes. But. I really.. I think I can be worth the effort.

 

Wherever You Will Go

Dearest Love of my Life,

And anyone else whom would like to know,

I’m writing you today for many reasons. I apologize for my brain. It’s been quite jumbled as of late and making any form of coherence is an achievement in and of itself for the time being. Perhaps I’ll just go with it as it comes.

For starters, it’s no surprise to you, but I’ll restate it for the jury, at any rate, of all that which I feel, the single emotion, I have the most difficulty dealing with is happiness. On many levels, I find it hard to simply allow myself happiness. I often feel undeserving, and selfish for just letting myself have what I want in life. But, more-so than that, dealing with the aftermath of true happiness is what truly takes it toll on me. With you more than anything. If there’s one thing no one could ever dare say of us, it’s that we lack passion. I’m not sure it’s possible for two people to cause more emotional reaction. It’s always been a case where it’s so strong that it cannot help but affect everyone around. Every single emotion is all or nothing. Not a single thing is left half-assed. It’s such an intoxicating feeling. I feel sad for those who go through life never experiencing it. To feel emotions you weren’t even aware you were capable of. To feel on such a strong level that it affects every single cell in your body, straight to the core of your being, right from the soul. Every tiny thing being the emotional equivalent of a Saturn-V rocket. It really is, in it’s most simplified form, in fact, how I would describe what it means to feel alive. And for that very reason, outside of the destructive force that could be paired with such strong emotion, outside anything bad,  just ignoring all else, the most simple thing, once you’ve felt that, there is nothing else. That happiness that I allow myself when with you. That widespread bolt of current that powers my entire being. When that is gone. I’m left lifeless. I guess it’s the way adrenaline junkies feel. …… I’m sorry about this, but to reference one of the worst piece of lit… er.. uh.. to reference the most incoherent and sad grouping of words on paper that I do believe I’ve ever encountered, I feel it’s comparable to Bella doing .. stupid shit after Mr. Sparkles is gone. For me, however, I don’t think adrenaline would come close. If I really had to compare it I guess.. I’d say.. It’s like having.. lemme see.. scientifically speaking.. A bajillion 5-hour energy drinks injected directly into your heart. And then. After that’s gone. Substituting eating an apple to try to get the same feeling. It’s just not gonna do the trick. I’ve never felt more alive than when I’m with you. Ever. Even just sitting, eating pizza with enough cheese to choke a dragon, I feel alive, and with purpose. Without that, everything pales in comparison. I’m literally left with a feeling of not wanting to do anything. Food. Why? What’s the point of eating? Going out? Why? There’s no one there that’ll be worth seeing. Watching TV? Why? It’s made up and they still don’t get it as right as we are. And that, is the most destructive force of all. Something so amazing, that without it, all desire to live is extinguished. Is there anyone alive that can tell me which is the better of the options? Feel all you can feel? And risk complete devastation and lack of will to go on should it ever leave? Or avoid it, and live a decent mediocre life? Get by, be “happy” on occasion, but never truly feel anything to the extent you know you’re capable. Play it safe? Or feel like the walking nuclear reactor the universe clearly intended you to be. I don’t have that answer.

I’m sorry that it puts paragraph spaces. As I know they aren’t supposed to be paired with tabbed indentations. Which aren’t even allowed here apparently, even though they are proper form for a written letter. But.. oh well. Sometimes ya just gotta live on the edge, right?

The thing is though, I can’t make that decision for me. I certainly can’t make it for someone else. Life comes one day at a time. And you just gotta take it as such. I can’t say what’ll happen tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next week. Or sixty years down the road. I can’t offer guarantees. That’s not what life is about though. If you want something. Go for it I guess. That’s where I’m at. You can sit around and play it safe. And never truly feel what you want to feel. Always feel like there’s something more. But, for me, I play my life safe on 99.9% of applications. This is the one area I’ve never done that. I prefer to feel. Even if for a short time. Even when afterwards I just want to lay down on the ground and crumble to dust to be blown away with the wind. Going through the worst feeling that could possibly exist, is entirely worth it for a chance to feel the best, strongest, most amazing feeling that could possibly exist. But I can’t make those choices for others. I cannot make any guess as to the longevity of things. I really can’t say much at all these days. What I can say, is that while I can, I’m going to try to live my life. And try my best to find something that stirs each and every atom in my body. I’m going to try to live my life. Anyone that wants to be there can try to keep up. Anyone that doesn’t, stand at the bus stop and wave.

I’m far from a perfect individual. I don’t trust myself. Sometimes from day-to-day, everything I feel shifts. I complain about a lot of things. I could go on forever. But I know how to love. And I know how to love hard. I try very hard to never give up on anyone. And, I want people to better themselves. I do everything I can to push people to be all they can be. Even if I ignore all of my own potential, I always try to get others to recognize theirs. But the thing is, No one is perfect. I have my flaws. You have yours. As the great prophet, Wyclef Jean, sang “let he without sin cast the first stone.” (I’m aware this is actually a verse from John. Cool your jets.) But, the thing is, we love each other for our flaws and quirks. Those tiny little chips and sharp edges around the soul. That’s what allows us to fit with other people. Imagine if every piece of a puzzle were a perfect square. Each and every one of them would fit together, regardless to where they actually belonged. Instead. Each piece has its own unique curves, unique tabs, unique blanks, is entirely unique unto itself to fit exactly where it belongs. Why not believe every human soul is the same? We’re all designed to fit perfectly with the pieces we’re meant to be with. I’m sorry for my flaws. But they make me who I am, and make me perfect for whom I’m meant to be with.

I can’t tell other’s how to live. I try to find morals and such for people to live by. But, really, who am I to give anyone advice. Look at my life, what stance can I take on how to do it properly. That’s the real secret though. No one can give you that answer. No one is born with a manual on how to life. It’s all like a huge game. There isn’t really a win or lose. Each player plays in their own way. Placing value on achievements that may not matter to the other players. Some achievements may be valued by many. Some by few. And most every player will have their own definition of what it means to win in this game. But the fact is, No other player can tell you how to play your game. Your life. Their life. Both started the same way. From there, it’s basically up in the air. They didn’t get any more instructions that you did. So you play this game the way you want to play it. And aim for the outcome you’d like to reach. That’s pretty much all there is.

 

Listen. Everyone. I love you. You are special. And you are that way for a reason. Never let anyone bring you down.

Yours Truly. ❤

 

Please. Listen to these words. And think about them. Each and every day.

No matter who. No matter what. “If a great wave shall fall, It would fall upon us all.” .. We’re all here together. You’re never alone. Never.

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone, you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe I’ll work out
A way to make it back some day
Towards you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days

If a great wave shall fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there’s someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

If I could make you mine
I’ll go wherever you will go
If I could turn back time
I’ll go wherever you will go
I’ll go wherever you will go

Listen to your heart.

Ted said “Nothing good ever happens after 2 am.” I’ve found this statement to be wildly untrue in all aspects of my life.  Anyway. In the episode, Ted has a girlfriend in Germany, blah blah blah, Robin calls and invites him over. He goes. Then he decides to be a little bitch. Ted’s mistake. Being a little bitch.  The thing is, if you’re a night owl, such as myself, late nights are the best time for everything. It’s when life just actually starts to get good. And.. Part of the reasoning.. Might kind of make me sound like a scum bag.. but if the boot fits..  As Riddick is to the dark, I am to the night. My friends always get stupidly delirious. Which is just insanely funny. Because well, it’s just one of those things you have to be there. It’s like they’re really drunk without the sloppy side effects of alcohol. Which is always fantastic. And people just want to be agreeable late at night for some reason. Out of the blue you can totally just be like Hey, how about a road trip? Sure. We don’t need clothes or anything, they’ll have that shit where we’re going. Faaaantastic. I guess I shouldn’t say I’m impervious to this intoxication. I just find that I’m better at it than most. I’m good at.. using it to my advantage. Asking questions. Generally always a good activity. “Drunk” people are generally very honest. Anyway. All this brings me to a question. Have you ever done something so so awful that you should be ashamed of yourself but you were actually quite happy about it? Did you.. Blame it on the late night and a barrage of other factors? Did you … then go to bed and dream about it all night.. Waking up with even less remorse than you had previously felt? If so.. You’re probably a terrible person. But hey, you’re in good company. And Obviously you had a good time. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so happy about it, right? All this right and wrong blah blah blah. Sometimes, you just gotta live life, ya know, consequences be damned. And who cares if you’re a deplorable soul, especially if no one knows about it. The way I see it.. If it feels right. And it’s what you want. All participating parties are in agreement. (Don’t force your best friend to rob a damn bank just cause you’ve got a feeling like it’d be a good idea.) But you know it’s wrong. Then Fuck your brain. Who cares. Follow your heart. I mean, have you ever even seen Blade Runner?  Cause, the universe isn’t all Manichean and shit. It’s just gray. All Gray. And there’s a hell of a lot more than 50 shades. And I’m sorry for referencing that vile, putrid, revolting, filth even in passing. .. But yea.. Thinking about it.. That’s another good point. If what your doing breaks severe civil or moral laws, probably take an extra look at it just to be safe. I’m not condoning murder, or theft (well.. not most forms) and you know, be reasonable with vandalism and stuff.. All in good taste. If you wanna get naked and trespass and skinny dip dive off a railroad trestle into a private lake.. Then that’s 100% A-OK with me. .. Not that the thought had ever crossed my mind or anything…… just an example..

Which does bring me to another point. Why ya gotta go run ya damn mouth about stuff? I mean maybe not you in particular, my dearest reader, but just people in general. Many of the “greats” were that way, mainly because they were antisocial. Or, just good liars. I mean.. If you’re going to murder 64 people, but after the first one, you gotta run tell someone about how gruesome it was.. Shit ain’t gonna happen bro. Gossip gonna spread and the bacon gonna be on ye’ doorstep. This includes ya best damn friend. People love to share shit. And it spreads like wildfire. “You can’t tell anyone I told you this, but…. ” Then they tell someone, starting with the same damn line. You know who’s good at keeping secrets. Me. You know who’s not good at it. Er’body else. If I’m the only person that knows something, the only way someone can find out, is if they learn from me… but they ain’t gonna learn from me.. cause I don’t want em to know. But lets say. I tell my good ole bestie.. Well, then they can learn from me, or my bestie, Chances of someone you don’t want to know finding out rise exponentially with each branch of the gossip tree. So, I aint’ sharing. Get mad if you want. I don’t care. They’re my secrets. Ya can’t have em.  I know it comes off as a little ranty, but I take great pride in my ability to safely store sensitive and volatile informations.

On the same note. I’ve never understood the fascination with the Kiss and Tell. I mean.. like.. it’s all just some conquest so you’ll have stories to tell….? If that’s all you want the just make the shit up.. you have some freak in the sheet significant other from Canada who came by to see you and you had sex for 108 straight hours right before breaking up because you were to much Man/Woman for Him/Her, and they felt bad because they just couldn’t give you the lovin you deserve. …. If I kiss someone, there’s a damn good reason, and it sure as hell ain’t got a thing to do with being able to tell someone about it. Being a male, I’ve always felt that the whole sexual bragging was a bit…. extremely gay.. If the most important thing you can do after having sex with a woman.. is tell your best friend.. Maybe you should just skip the run around.. and start having sex with your best friend.. I mean.. you hook up with a girl at a bar.. take her home (to her own home, of course) have sex with her. Then leave. To go tell your bro about it. I dunno.. Maybe I’m bad at being a dude.. It just seems gay that you have sex with someone you’re never going to speak to again… and are the most excited about being able to tell a guy about it. Gay. .. Which is fine.. If you wanna be gay, be  gay. Be gay as hell. So Gay you buy Brawny paper towels for the packaging.. As gay as Elton Jon wearing Purple chiffon tank top and cut-off jean shorts, tap dancing  in roller blades in a field of daffodils and singing to Freddy Mercury playing a kazoo in the new hit mash-up of Crocodile Rock and Defying Gravity. .. More power to ya. .. That’s just more women for me.

And I’m sorry for that extremely long run on there.. I just drank a 40 ounce coffee… Also. Pro-Tip. Who knew BUUUUT. Coffee.. .. I learned this just earlier.. but.. If You REAAALLY want to wake up in the morning, Coffee works better, if you pour it on your crotch while it’s still steaming hot.. It will get you wide awake. I promise. If you don’t believe me just try it. You don’t have to take my word for anything.

Backing up. It is truly bewildering, as Harold Crick knows, how one, seemingly innocuous, act can set in motion such a cataclysmic course of events. I don’t mean like chaos theory. And maybe cataclysmic gives a false impression. Just, earth shattering. As Frost wrote, ” I took the [road] less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.” .. Never saying good or bad, only different.

So if you find yourself faced with a quandary late at night.. Just don’t pull a Ted. Don’t be a little bitch. Pick a path and commit. For Ted. It all went wrong because he stood at the fork and teetered. Pick a course, set your route, take a sprint. It may be right or it may be wrong. But don’t half-ass it. Go all the way with it. If in the morning you realize it was a mistake.. Then recover. Recollect yourself and move on. Mistakes happen. All that is learned, comes with risk of learning by mistakes. Maybe it will make all the difference. Maybe it won’t. At worst, atleast maybe you’ll have some good memories of the night. Stories to tell when you’re old and gray and it won’t make a difference who knows anymore. .. Just live it. Commit and go. Gather yourself some rocking chair stories. No body wants to sit and listen to an old person talk about how they always played it safe and live a good life down the straight and narrow. Cause that shit’s boring. And.. don’t wait around for some magical sign of what you’re supposed to do.. cause opportunity doesn’t always knock twice. So, you decide. As for me. I’m with Frost.

Closure?

To borrow the familiar expression, there are two types of people in the world: Those who read my blog, and those who do not. To the former I offer the following: Sorry that I have not posted recently. And yes, I elect the word posted over written. Because, I have, in fact, written plenty of things, but I’m just back in the point of being .. whatever I am sometimes. A large issue is that I have to edit what I write because sometimes (Ha, yes, “sometimes” .. scoff) it gets a little bit whiny and no one truly wants to listen to anyone complain. I promise I’ll post some other stuff soon. And hopefully some stories. [Readers] love stories. Anyway. For now, here is my complaint turned into a question.

How do you get closure? And more importantly, how do you get to the point where closure is what you want?

Also, How do I avoid the absolutely unavailable?

You see, I tend to be in love with what I can’t have. But that isn’t who I really am. I’ve never been the type to set my goals high. I don’t really have confidence in myself so I tend to play it safe in general. According to my scores and abilities in math and science (and basically everything else) I really could have been anything I wanted. — And seeing as I’ve told you all my GPA, you may not believe me. But any shortcomings were rooted solely in my lack of effort, not lack of intelligence to perform. And by lack of effort I mean, I didn’t do homework because it’s F’n stupid for me to go home and do practice math problems for something I’ve known how to do since 5th grade. — But I’ve never really known what I wanted. And I’ve never truly tried to set a goal for anything high for fear I might fail. So I started of college doing art. Graphic Design as well as drawing and painting. But I changed majors both out of fear and hatred. I couldn’t handle having to make everyone else happy with me work. It’s not that I couldn’t do it. My professor’s were generally very pleased with my work. But I would stress so hardcore about it that it just wasn’t worth it. My fear that they wouldn’t like my work was far too intense. So I changed to history. I mean I love history but lets all just be honest here. As far as degrees go it’s about as bullshit and pointless as they come. But hey, atleast I was able to graduate within four years because I’d already taken a bajillion history classes at the point of switching.

The thing is, I really don’t like not getting what I want. Which I mean, yea, pretty sure most people would agree there. But, my mechanism of coping with that is to just not want anything I can’t have.

Back to the real point though. Girls. Everyone knows I love girls. And generally I’m willing to give any of them a shot. I mean you never know if you like it if you don’t try it, right? Well, herein lies my brokenness. I’ve been snowballing downhill since my last “heartbreak.”  It wasn’t the typical “High School romance” heartbreak. More of a simple realization of what I had allowed. I let myself feel and be something that was just never true. Or more importantly allowed myself to bec…. Er. I don’t know. Words are hard sometimes. I have no elegant want to say this. To break it down. I was in love with a friend of mine. And our relationship was a very close one. It was basically everything I could ever want from a relationship. Aside of course from the physical aspects which are the least important to me. Somewhere along the way though my brain apparently got lost in the reality of the situation. And started thinking of her as I would a lover. The most important fact though is that I really wasn’t good for her. “They” say that in every relationship there’s a reacher and a settler. I don’t want anyone to ever settle for me in any way. I don’t ever want anyone to settle at all. The reality is that it’s going to happen and there’s nothing I can do about what others do with their life. Unless, of course, it involves me, in which case. I can walk right out the door and make their life better for it. And that’s exactly what I did. She’s back to her old self. Adventures and activities and all the friends. And me I’m back to being a hollow shell. But there is that little bit of happiness knowing I did what I felt was right.

And this is where we are now. Since then. I’ve tried and tried find somebody new. When it comes right down to it though, I absolutely won’t let myself. I’m somehow stuck on my ex. From years ago. From before everything else. I’ve attempted going out with a few people. And so far just haven’t let myself care. She though, is with someone else now. Naturally. It’s been forever. And that’s fine. It’s probably for the better. As I fuck up everything I do. And when I say she can do much better than me. I mean it. She’s happier without me. But, the hardest part lies in know that she settled for someone worse. I feel like I could make her happier than he does. I don’t know if things would work out this time. I don’t know. The conflict of head and heart. There’s what I want and all the wonderful things. But then there’s all the reasons it wouldn’t. Stress. Every day I wake up and it’s on my mind. Everything I do. There it is. And I think the best closure for me would be if I knew she were with someone better than me. You know, that savior complex of mine. I’m not the best for anyone. And I can’t make them happy. I have all my issues. But so long as someone else is doing a great job I’m good. But any guy who doesn’t get a girl flowers for Valentine’s Day is a little iffy in my book. I get my Mother flowers on V-day. I look for reasons to give flowers. Every girl deserves flowers. Whether she believes that or not, and regardless if she wants them. She deserves them.

But really though. How do I find closure? If the closure I need isn’t going to happen. And I’m stuck on something that fossilized forever ago, What do I do?  There Should be a little “Message Me” thing ^up there somewhere. You can click on it and message me advice or anything. And I mean the advice “Move on” really isn’t advice. I mean If somewhere were to say How do I reach to top shelf  if I’m too short? I wouldn’t respond Learn to fly. Some things in life aren’t as simple as that.

Anyway.. I’m done with this topic. On to something else for now.

Wooooohooooo

Alright, alright. That might be a little bit too far but I finally actually talked to the girl at Subway.. a bit. Bout time.. I started with my age, as planned, and from there it just kind of worked out I guess. I was granted uninterrupted conversation for quite some time. Plenty long enough for my freshly toasted sub to become well chilled and a bit soggy. Who gives a damn about the sub though.

Can’t say it was a conventional conversation, then again, for me, I’d say the unconventional is my convention in conversation. She makes me laugh. She seems to be a bit off the rocker, herself. Which, I naturally adore, since I’m no poster child for sanity and normal thought. After her witty remarks about my age it progressed back to the topic of us both being old. Where she asked if I could feel the rain coming in my bones. To which I replied no they all simply hurt all the time. (However, now that I think about it I might be able to and just haven’t paid attention.) But we swapped stories about being “old.’ About how I feel rusty when trying to get out of bed in the morning and how I sit in the shower until all the hot water is gone to try to soothe my old joints. Her, admitting that she does the same, that even though she makes the schedule she is always late because of trying to lay in bed and sit in the shower all morning …Don’t judge me. Common ground is common ground. The conversation just went here and there jumping from car troubles, a conversation during which she diagnosed my jeep as having engine mouse – an ailment characterized by a giant mouse being trapped inside my jeep which is what causes squeaking noises from my front end, to cooking, where we argued over the necessity of a microwave oven (which I don’t have) and she told me I could just put my sub in a toaster to warm it up (and fervently urged me to do so and to let her know how it went) as well as her expressing how much she’d love to have a griddle because it would make cooking so much easier because she wouldn’t have to wash it (I, of course, made fun of this ridiculous notion), to a job offer. Apparently this girl is the manager there. (Mmm, love me a woman in power.) And she needs someone else for 3rd shift, which sounds like an absolutely wonderful job for me. My qualifications, of course, being: I don’t sleep anyway, I hate the general public – which works with the lower customer traffic, and OCD – lots and lots of down time for cleaning, YAY! I do have a job, but these hours wouldn’t interfere with that job. And just imagine all the useless shit I could buy with all the extra money!

This of course leads me to the real issue though. Can I work for /with the girl? Hmm. Yea, that still remains to be seen. I think I’ll have to have more than one conversation to find out. I mean, I still don’t know if it’s all just cannon fodder or whatever. I don’t know if she has a boyfriend or if she even likes boys for that matter. Further still the whole co-worker thing can be a bit tricky sometimes. But we’ll see. It would be nice to have another job and this one would be somewhat ideal.

So, somehow it went from trying to talk to cute girl to maybe possibly working for said cute girl. Ah, complications. All the complications.

Once More, With Feeling

Went to Subway again today. Praying that she wouldn’t be working. After having finally crawled out of bed at 3 in the afternoon I didn’t look exactly like what I’d call a babe magnet. Well, naturally, my luck kicked in and there she was. There wasn’t a soul there aside from us. I mean it was 3:30 in the afternoon, after all. So I figured, here’s my chance. Then, 4 people come in and stand close enough to me that I could nearly have licked their faces. Me being shy, you can imagine how things went from there…

 

… Maybe next time?

Making Friends

Dear world. I’m awake. What more could you possibly want from me? Oh, alright. Fine. Ok so today. I’ve decided T-rex could use a friend. So, I introduce to you Mr. Raptor.

He is both a… Hmmm.. Something seems to be missing.

Ah.. Much better. So this is Mr. Raptor. He is both a scholar and….. Wait a second…

This is Mr. Raptor. He is both a scholar and a gentleman. He owns many leather bound books and his apartment smells of rich mahogany. He and T-rex weren’t the most likely of friends, but then again who’s to say who should be friends and who shouldn’t. Sometimes you find friends in the most unexpected of places. What truly matters is that you bring joy to each others life. Don’t be afraid of new people because they may be a little different than you, or because you think maybe they won’t like you. You’ve got to give it a shot or you’ll never know.  Imagine the adventures T-rex and Mr. Raptor would have missed out on if they’d never given it a chance. Always be willing to find a friend no matter the circumstances.

This is my lesson for myself. As I am the worst at being afraid of meeting new people.

Something To Make You Feel Safe

Flip flops singing their song as he dredges through the rain. He wraps his fingers around the cold metal door handle and heaves it open forcing himself to continue inside. Keeping his head down. Thinking to himself, ‘maybe I should have brought my hoodie.’ He did, after all, always feel somewhat more safe with it. ‘Just keep walking’ he told himself. He notices people moving past him, careful not to look anyone in the eyes. Meticulously staying impersonal and separated from each of these strangers. He notices eyes on him as he walks past. Thinking maybe he should have avoided this hell of a place after all. Why do these evil beings congregate here on a Wednesday afternoon. Do they have nothing better to do with their lives than sit in a food court?

He continues on. Dodging, deflecting, giving polite smiles to anyone who seems to pay him too much attention. Still never looking them in the eyes. Flip flops still singing their familiar tune. Reaching his destination he makes a sharp turn into the store and darts toward the back, hugging the wall as he goes, trying to avoid being spoken to still. As he surveys the wall of t-shirts the familiar voice appears beside him. “Let me know if you need anything today…” She began. Her, he did look in the eyes. The craving for meaningful contact sprang forth in his soul. He desired to have an actual conversation.

The last time they’d spoken she had confronted him on his enigmatism. “So, What’s up with you,” she had remarked. “I can’t tell if you’re happy or upset or… I’ve got no idea what’s going on with you.” The boy was a bit taken aback. Astonished by the mere fact that she had noticed him more than just in passing. And even more so that she felt compelled to question his inscrutable nature.  Of course, the boy’s rapier wit kicked in and he managed to mumble “I’m ok.” realizing shortly after, however, that this girl had made the effort to come and speak to him. He felt he should perhaps have given her something more than that pathetic and ever so smooth line. Nevertheless, she continued despite his absolute butchery of her attempt to start conversation, now sharing personal information with him; telling him about her weekend. Forging an admirable attempt at a  one-sided repartee to the best of her abilities. He tried to give her more than the simply appalling failure he had opened with. Discouraged by the fact that decimating conversation seemed almost an art the way he accomplished it, he sank back into his soul. Battling with himself, he caught the words, “I’ll be over here working if you need anything.”

Prior to that encounter she had made other attempts to get him to talk to her. She’d always walk up and give a compliment about the shirt he was wearing. Or to say that she liked his hat. Always thwarted by his shyness which many mistook for rudeness and uncaring. She seemed to be more intrigued by his seemingly morose mood and taciturnity.

Shifting weight back and forth between his legs he stares up at all the shirts; though not really paying attention to the shirts at all. If he were being honest he’d have to admit that the sole purpose for his presence was to speak to this girl. He’d hoped to try and make amends for his prior shortcomings. He’d planned out what he’d say. Not in the mirror like people do in movies. That doesn’t happen in real life. Just in his head.

So, hearing her sweet voice beside him his heart gives a quick flutter and he begins to smile. Turning to her he says, “Alright.” …’Really’ he thinks to himself. ‘That’s all you’ve got? Alright? Gah, You Are freakin’ pathetic.’ She backs away still making eye contact. “If there’s anything you want just ask. Ya never know what I might have stored away somewhere.” He turns back to the wall of shirts. Feeling sorrowful as he sees  her disappear behind a shelf in the corner of his eye. And so he thinks to himself  –fearful that she may have finally given up on him; that she finally decided maybe she didn’t want to be friends or talk to him after all — even though he was plenty warm, ‘Man, I wish I had my hoodie.’