Ted said “Nothing good ever happens after 2 am.” I’ve found this statement to be wildly untrue in all aspects of my life. Anyway. In the episode, Ted has a girlfriend in Germany, blah blah blah, Robin calls and invites him over. He goes. Then he decides to be a little bitch. Ted’s mistake. Being a little bitch. The thing is, if you’re a night owl, such as myself, late nights are the best time for everything. It’s when life just actually starts to get good. And.. Part of the reasoning.. Might kind of make me sound like a scum bag.. but if the boot fits.. As Riddick is to the dark, I am to the night. My friends always get stupidly delirious. Which is just insanely funny. Because well, it’s just one of those things you have to be there. It’s like they’re really drunk without the sloppy side effects of alcohol. Which is always fantastic. And people just want to be agreeable late at night for some reason. Out of the blue you can totally just be like Hey, how about a road trip? Sure. We don’t need clothes or anything, they’ll have that shit where we’re going. Faaaantastic. I guess I shouldn’t say I’m impervious to this intoxication. I just find that I’m better at it than most. I’m good at.. using it to my advantage. Asking questions. Generally always a good activity. “Drunk” people are generally very honest. Anyway. All this brings me to a question. Have you ever done something so so awful that you should be ashamed of yourself but you were actually quite happy about it? Did you.. Blame it on the late night and a barrage of other factors? Did you … then go to bed and dream about it all night.. Waking up with even less remorse than you had previously felt? If so.. You’re probably a terrible person. But hey, you’re in good company. And Obviously you had a good time. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so happy about it, right? All this right and wrong blah blah blah. Sometimes, you just gotta live life, ya know, consequences be damned. And who cares if you’re a deplorable soul, especially if no one knows about it. The way I see it.. If it feels right. And it’s what you want. All participating parties are in agreement. (Don’t force your best friend to rob a damn bank just cause you’ve got a feeling like it’d be a good idea.) But you know it’s wrong. Then Fuck your brain. Who cares. Follow your heart. I mean, have you ever even seen Blade Runner? Cause, the universe isn’t all Manichean and shit. It’s just gray. All Gray. And there’s a hell of a lot more than 50 shades. And I’m sorry for referencing that vile, putrid, revolting, filth even in passing. .. But yea.. Thinking about it.. That’s another good point. If what your doing breaks severe civil or moral laws, probably take an extra look at it just to be safe. I’m not condoning murder, or theft (well.. not most forms) and you know, be reasonable with vandalism and stuff.. All in good taste. If you wanna get naked and trespass and skinny dip dive off a railroad trestle into a private lake.. Then that’s 100% A-OK with me. .. Not that the thought had ever crossed my mind or anything…… just an example..
Which does bring me to another point. Why ya gotta go run ya damn mouth about stuff? I mean maybe not you in particular, my dearest reader, but just people in general. Many of the “greats” were that way, mainly because they were antisocial. Or, just good liars. I mean.. If you’re going to murder 64 people, but after the first one, you gotta run tell someone about how gruesome it was.. Shit ain’t gonna happen bro. Gossip gonna spread and the bacon gonna be on ye’ doorstep. This includes ya best damn friend. People love to share shit. And it spreads like wildfire. “You can’t tell anyone I told you this, but…. ” Then they tell someone, starting with the same damn line. You know who’s good at keeping secrets. Me. You know who’s not good at it. Er’body else. If I’m the only person that knows something, the only way someone can find out, is if they learn from me… but they ain’t gonna learn from me.. cause I don’t want em to know. But lets say. I tell my good ole bestie.. Well, then they can learn from me, or my bestie, Chances of someone you don’t want to know finding out rise exponentially with each branch of the gossip tree. So, I aint’ sharing. Get mad if you want. I don’t care. They’re my secrets. Ya can’t have em. I know it comes off as a little ranty, but I take great pride in my ability to safely store sensitive and volatile informations.
On the same note. I’ve never understood the fascination with the Kiss and Tell. I mean.. like.. it’s all just some conquest so you’ll have stories to tell….? If that’s all you want the just make the shit up.. you have some freak in the sheet significant other from Canada who came by to see you and you had sex for 108 straight hours right before breaking up because you were to much Man/Woman for Him/Her, and they felt bad because they just couldn’t give you the lovin you deserve. …. If I kiss someone, there’s a damn good reason, and it sure as hell ain’t got a thing to do with being able to tell someone about it. Being a male, I’ve always felt that the whole sexual bragging was a bit…. extremely gay.. If the most important thing you can do after having sex with a woman.. is tell your best friend.. Maybe you should just skip the run around.. and start having sex with your best friend.. I mean.. you hook up with a girl at a bar.. take her home (to her own home, of course) have sex with her. Then leave. To go tell your bro about it. I dunno.. Maybe I’m bad at being a dude.. It just seems gay that you have sex with someone you’re never going to speak to again… and are the most excited about being able to tell a guy about it. Gay. .. Which is fine.. If you wanna be gay, be gay. Be gay as hell. So Gay you buy Brawny paper towels for the packaging.. As gay as Elton Jon wearing Purple chiffon tank top and cut-off jean shorts, tap dancing in roller blades in a field of daffodils and singing to Freddy Mercury playing a kazoo in the new hit mash-up of Crocodile Rock and Defying Gravity. .. More power to ya. .. That’s just more women for me.
And I’m sorry for that extremely long run on there.. I just drank a 40 ounce coffee… Also. Pro-Tip. Who knew BUUUUT. Coffee.. .. I learned this just earlier.. but.. If You REAAALLY want to wake up in the morning, Coffee works better, if you pour it on your crotch while it’s still steaming hot.. It will get you wide awake. I promise. If you don’t believe me just try it. You don’t have to take my word for anything.
Backing up. It is truly bewildering, as Harold Crick knows, how one, seemingly innocuous, act can set in motion such a cataclysmic course of events. I don’t mean like chaos theory. And maybe cataclysmic gives a false impression. Just, earth shattering. As Frost wrote, ” I took the [road] less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.” .. Never saying good or bad, only different.
So if you find yourself faced with a quandary late at night.. Just don’t pull a Ted. Don’t be a little bitch. Pick a path and commit. For Ted. It all went wrong because he stood at the fork and teetered. Pick a course, set your route, take a sprint. It may be right or it may be wrong. But don’t half-ass it. Go all the way with it. If in the morning you realize it was a mistake.. Then recover. Recollect yourself and move on. Mistakes happen. All that is learned, comes with risk of learning by mistakes. Maybe it will make all the difference. Maybe it won’t. At worst, atleast maybe you’ll have some good memories of the night. Stories to tell when you’re old and gray and it won’t make a difference who knows anymore. .. Just live it. Commit and go. Gather yourself some rocking chair stories. No body wants to sit and listen to an old person talk about how they always played it safe and live a good life down the straight and narrow. Cause that shit’s boring. And.. don’t wait around for some magical sign of what you’re supposed to do.. cause opportunity doesn’t always knock twice. So, you decide. As for me. I’m with Frost.