Have you ever been in a place where you’re just so worn down that you just break down and laugh. You’re past crying or yelling or anything else. And for some reason your body just says, ‘fuck it,’ and so apparently laughter is the best it can muster?
I dunno.. That’s… life.. it’s.. like.. I… well.. I dunno..
Hahaha… So.. The other day.. well.. Nevermind.. that’s a stupid story to tell. I don’t know if you’re ever actually heard this.. So many people haven’t.. And just utterly miss the concept…. I think a lot of people miss a lot of Frost’s intentions though, personally. Like… all the difference.. .. .. It’s just different.. He didn’t say it was better.. Literally, the meaning could be interpreted.. “Don’t stray from the path or shit will go terribly.” Like.. It could literally be argued as a sentiment toward complacency and ‘not rocking the boat’… Like.. . I don’t understand why people are… .. well.. no.. yea, I do.. but.. It still bothers me.. But anyway.. this was the thing I was saying:
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
People just…. they miss it… … Anyway..
So.. I was .. well. So I’m at this point in my life where I’m just really not looking for a relationship. Like. I’ve just given up entirely. It’s not like a “I’m gonna work on me,” blah blah blah self betterment or any kind of shit.. It’s just a .. I don’t even give a fuck anymore. What’s the point. People are all self absorbed assholes. And somehow we’ve come to a day and age where girls are taught that compromise means you’re letting someone control you. Well I hate to fucking tell ya honey, but You ain’t gonna find the other half of your jagged ass locket. This ain’t a fucking movie. Everyone has to compromise. .. There’s some kind of saying about.. Soulmates fitting together.. Because.. They used to be two halves of one being.. And so they’re searching for each other to be whole again. I dunno, some proverb or something maybe? Fuck, it could have been in a children’s book, I heard it one time.. That’s the point here.. BUT, even if that’s the argument you’re going with.. Well first off.. If you break a fucking magnet in half.. those halves then repel each other.. Just saying.. But… lets look at it differently. If you break… a rock.. in half.. and then throw the two halves in a fucking pile of seven billions other half rocks and beat the shit out of all of them.. They’re not gonna fit back together perfectly if you find those halves again. So put that proverb in your pipe and cry about it. I’m just saying. Who the fuck thinks compromise… nevermind.. Whatever. As I said. I’m fucking over it.
So. Recently. I was talking to this girl for like.. The .. millionth time.. It’s whatever, ya know? Like.. I cared three or four years ago.. But all the come and go bullshit.. Like.. Whatever, yo. So, cut to… whenever here recently. She decided she wanted to hang out and stuff. Alright that’s cool, whatever, very upfront… Not actively seeking a relationship, but I’m not against it. I’m just tired of trying to force things. Etc,etc. So we hang out and talk and blah blah blah. Alright. Well.. Fucking.. Like.. Alright. So lets just ignore that entire story for a minute. So. If you want a dog…. You don’t buy a fucking cat.. and tell the cat it should act like a dog. Right? Like.. I feel like I could have come up with a far more creative analogy that makes actual sense.. but I haven’t been sleeping well so, get over it. So like.. … If YOU want a relationship.. You should probably, you know, act like someone with a little bit more than fucking air between the ears. It’s sort of the “dress for the job you want” sentiment. I don’t understand this. But it’s extremely prevalent. I’ve encountered it so many times. Like, people that are just like crazy hopeless romantic into all this stuff.. But yet. They’re just like inconsiderate assholes. Like they want the fairy tale love story. But they do absolutely nothing to secure their side. If Cinderella had laced up some fucking combat boots to go to the ball, the story would have been very different. And that’s fine. If she wanted to be alone. Or with a different guy or girl.. whatever.. But.. That’s not how it works. You live the story you want to be a part of. If you can’t fucking be bothered to text someone you care about to let them know you made it home safely, when you fucking told them you would. Just fuck you. You’re a piece of shit. That’s the only excuse. You are. It takes 3 seconds. “Home.” Bam. Fucking done. Literally while walking in. I don’t give a fuck how tired you are. Type it before you even start driving. Then press send when you get there. You didn’t fucking fall asleep in the car, so you had time. Or like, If you’re about to disappear for 4 hours, but everything is chill, don’t respond to something with “k” then say absolutely nothing else, when you’re in the middle of a sensitive conversation. I don’t care if Elvis and Tupac walked up. You have time to say, g2g. or TTYL. BBL. BRB. something. That is, if you care. If you don’t, that’s fine. But, don’t expect the cute happy fairy tale life with someone who Does those things. If your S.O. doesn’t do any of that and it isn’t expect. More power to ya. Y’all just be .. whatever you are. But if you want a relationship with someone who does care whether you live or die or disappear for hours because they are a severely anxious person who worries, then you should probably take the time to send a text. “Well, you said you weren’t looking for a relationship right now”……. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? We’re not even going to be friends if you can’t tell me if you made it home at 2 am. Knowing that I won’t sleep until I hear from you. But you know. Like.. Lets say you go to… a place that sells shit. And. You happen to see a pair of shoes.. or pants.. or a shirt.. or whatever.. that’s perfect.. You’ll probably buy that thing. Even if you weren’t looking for it. But, if you go and find a pair of moldy boots that aren’t your size, you’ll most likely never even consider buying them. Play the part you intend to play. You don’t go audition for the role of Belle and sing Dre at the audition. Just like…I mean… I dunno. I don’t understand why it seems like I’m the only person who feels this way. …. “You wore Tuxedos to a job interview for a job that requires you to clean toilets…” Maybe I’m wrong.. Maybe I will be forever alone. I don’t much care anymore ..
Oh Right.. So, I just remembered this is where I was going with the story.. So.. she’s DRIVING to go drinking. And, I’m just like, I really wish you wouldn’t do that. And she got fussy and started soap boxing. And, I was clearly upset. And was just like, alright, you do whatever you feel you need to do, I’d rather not discuss the issue, I just wish you wouldn’t. So, of course, she did anyway. And then when I wasn’t all super happy and talkative, she was all blah blah blah. I was like, I told you, etc etc. (I cut out a lot of yapping for everyone’s sake…… I probably leave in a bit too much still.) So she gets all matter-of-fact and is like, well I have a blah blah whose in jail because blah blah blah, so if I feel tipsy, I won’t drive, etc etc. And I’m like, okay, that’s nice, I have multiple friends who are in the ground because someone felt that same way at some point, but you make very good points, lets just pretend you’re right. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know …” … WELL Guess the fuck what. You didn’t need to know. I expressed that the issue upset me a lot. I clearly displayed that the issue upset me greatly. I requested that you not drink and drive. I expressed that I didn’t want to discuss my reasons because it wasn’t something I wanted to talk about. I feel like I did more than enough the deter anyone who gives one iota of a flying fuck about me to make a different decision. But, hey, maybe that’s just me, again, I dunno.
I can, however, tell you that the wordpress new shit doesn’t work worth a fly fuck. Which is the reason I never post anymore. Cause I have to like type it on the computer. Then send it to my phone. Then copy it into the phone app, which also isn’t easy. Then reformat everything. .. but the computer thing doesn’t work at all. It’s just like Nah, fuck you. I dunno.. Maybe that’s me as well… But I can’t get it to work.. and.. yea.. I dunno.. Google is worthless these days. You search for how to fix something. And it’s like Here’s a Dairy Farm in Saigon. Here are tourist attractions in Portland. How about a review for a television? Oh, here’s a bunch of used cars since someone sent you a link to ask if a car they wanted to buy looked decent three months ago……….. Uh… okay google…. Thanks.
Yea.. I dunno. I’m really tired.
Also, apparently GOOGLE is partially the culprit… WordPress and Chrome don’t work together.. I’m not going to point fingers, because they’re both assholes and need to work this out.
Oh, right.. The thing they miss.. The Outsiders, when he says, “Stay gold, ponyboy.” … like.. yea.. I think people once again just take the wrong idea.
So. I guess on that note. I’ll leave you for now. My head is swirling and I can’t put thoughts to pen. So I’ll let you have two quotes from one of my favorite books.
“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.”
“…no-one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away… The span of someone’s life, they say, is only the core of their actual existence.”
That’s a happy thought. Do something wonderful for someone. Or better Yet. Love someone, and be loved. That’s how you live forever…. I guess I’m a liar cause I’m gonna add one more random quote.. well.. Because I can. If you’re still here, then you obviously don’t mind.
It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn’t work out?
Ah, but what if it does…