While this title makes no sense to any of you. It makes so much to me.. I can’t express right now. But.. You now.. I’m just gonna go with it for the time being.
I’m.. well.. happy.. I suppose.. Which… is so weird and out of place and stupid and inappropriate and I’m an idiot and it could all be a mistake and.. well.. obviously it’s not right. But you know how much I care. Not a single damn bit. Not at all. I care less than G.R.R.M. cares who you want to live. That’s .. yea.. Fuck the rest.. I’ve decided I really really don’t care. I’m gonna be happy while I can. If it blows up in my face.. The that’s what it does..
Ya know.. Even at my ripe old age of 27.. I’ve learned that time flies. It really really does. Each day is a smaller portion of your life and so they go by faster and faster.. Make what you can of it while you can. I’m not promoting pulling off a bank heist.. But.. you know.. Do what you need to do. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes you smile.. Go for what makes you giddy. You deserve to giggle and have a big stupid smile on your face. I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done… You deserve that.. And I hope it last.. But even if it’s short lived. At least you’ll have those memories.
I’ll explain more another time. I will. But for now I’m gonna go to bed. Goodnight, and I hope you have sweet dreams. I know I will.
This week. Instead of being sad or angry. Instead of worrying. Instead of wanting to stab everyone over politics and the news and everything else. Do something productive. You don’t have to build a house or donate time or money. Just anything. Smile at a stranger. Water a plant. Pet an animal. Anything that creates positive energy in the world. We all hurt and we all struggle. But it’ll be okay.
So. I decided I’d grow a garden this summer. I used to help my grandfather with his when I was young. … “help” .. I live in the middle of town, and don’t really have a place for one, so I decided I’d attempt to grow everything in pots. I don’t even eat most of the stuff. But, I just wanted to grow it. Much like my trees, I don’t need something to be fruitful to me to enjoy growing it. Plants are just beautiful. So. I guess that’s been my sanctuary as of late. .. Even though it’s been insanely hot.
So here’s my tiny little back porch garden. Behind my tiny little crappy house in my tiny little crappy city. I made salsa from it yesterday… I found out one of the peppers wasn’t ripe…. Like.. I don’t know what the hell they are… I can’t find them anywhere in like lists of hundreds of types of peppers… But they were yellow for like 2 months.. So I was like okay I guess I should pick this before they Rot and fall off cause they aren’t changing.. So I picked some like a week ago.. Well yesterday I looked… And they’re actually turning red now. The ones still on the plant… And were like HAHAHA HAH THIS IS MY FINAL FORM YOU ATE ME RAW AND UNRIPE. And.. I did.. Cause my salsa has a slightly green taste.. Also, I ended up having to add canned tomatoes… Cause I realized I had no where near enough and certainly wasn’t putting on real clothes to go to the store. So… It’s good. But could be better. I have like a half gallon left… Cause I just kept adding… My jalapeños are freakin brutal… They’ll betray you. They be all like no no I’m just a mild little jalapeño I won’t hurt you.. But then 5 minutes later they’re like haha! Gotcha enjoy that magma taste in your mouth. And of course I added some dragon cayenne cause I wanted that instant burn too.. My habaneros aren’t ripe yet… But oh boy am I excite. I’ve got a good idea on what I need, so next time should be even better.
For the first time ever the drawer in my fridge for plants is not only occupied but near full. I’m gonna try pickling like everything. I’m pretty excited about the whole thing… You really should probably try to grow a garden… It’s pretty magical to see a pot of dirt turn into a bag full of jalapeños. Plus… I have like… 20+ kinds of peppers so I know stuff got all cross pollinated.. So it’s like pepper roulette, you have no idea how they’re gonna taste. It’s super fun times.
I have like… A succulent garden as well… Two of them died… No idea why.. Well actually… My cat ate one them.. So that’s not a mystery…. But.. This started at my friend’s wedding like a year ago. One of them picked a decorative one up off the table, that was alive but cut off.. And gave it to me and told me to keep it forever.. So, I, being me, of course, took it home and potted and started growing it.. So now I have like 20 different kinds. All just hanging out in my laundry room window. They’re just adorable.
So, that’s that I guess.. I thought I’d post something semi positive since it’s just so much negativity and stuff. And I’m writing on my phone so sorry if it’s just solid typos.
This was it a while back. But you can see how cute some of them are!
So, y’all have a wonderful week. Go out. Follow a path. Leave a trail. There’s nothing wrong with either. Just live your life and spread some love and smiles.
Have you ever been in a place where you’re just so worn down that you just break down and laugh. You’re past crying or yelling or anything else. And for some reason your body just says, ‘fuck it,’ and so apparently laughter is the best it can muster?
I dunno.. That’s… life.. it’s.. like.. I… well.. I dunno..
Hahaha… So.. The other day.. well.. Nevermind.. that’s a stupid story to tell. I don’t know if you’re ever actually heard this.. So many people haven’t.. And just utterly miss the concept…. I think a lot of people miss a lot of Frost’s intentions though, personally. Like… all the difference.. .. .. It’s just different.. He didn’t say it was better.. Literally, the meaning could be interpreted.. “Don’t stray from the path or shit will go terribly.” Like.. It could literally be argued as a sentiment toward complacency and ‘not rocking the boat’… Like.. . I don’t understand why people are… .. well.. no.. yea, I do.. but.. It still bothers me.. But anyway.. this was the thing I was saying:
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
People just…. they miss it… … Anyway..
So.. I was .. well. So I’m at this point in my life where I’m just really not looking for a relationship. Like. I’ve just given up entirely. It’s not like a “I’m gonna work on me,” blah blah blah self betterment or any kind of shit.. It’s just a .. I don’t even give a fuck anymore. What’s the point. People are all self absorbed assholes. And somehow we’ve come to a day and age where girls are taught that compromise means you’re letting someone control you. Well I hate to fucking tell ya honey, but You ain’t gonna find the other half of your jagged ass locket. This ain’t a fucking movie. Everyone has to compromise. .. There’s some kind of saying about.. Soulmates fitting together.. Because.. They used to be two halves of one being.. And so they’re searching for each other to be whole again. I dunno, some proverb or something maybe? Fuck, it could have been in a children’s book, I heard it one time.. That’s the point here.. BUT, even if that’s the argument you’re going with.. Well first off.. If you break a fucking magnet in half.. those halves then repel each other.. Just saying.. But… lets look at it differently. If you break… a rock.. in half.. and then throw the two halves in a fucking pile of seven billions other half rocks and beat the shit out of all of them.. They’re not gonna fit back together perfectly if you find those halves again. So put that proverb in your pipe and cry about it. I’m just saying. Who the fuck thinks compromise… nevermind.. Whatever. As I said. I’m fucking over it.
So. Recently. I was talking to this girl for like.. The .. millionth time.. It’s whatever, ya know? Like.. I cared three or four years ago.. But all the come and go bullshit.. Like.. Whatever, yo. So, cut to… whenever here recently. She decided she wanted to hang out and stuff. Alright that’s cool, whatever, very upfront… Not actively seeking a relationship, but I’m not against it. I’m just tired of trying to force things. Etc,etc. So we hang out and talk and blah blah blah. Alright. Well.. Fucking.. Like.. Alright. So lets just ignore that entire story for a minute. So. If you want a dog…. You don’t buy a fucking cat.. and tell the cat it should act like a dog. Right? Like.. I feel like I could have come up with a far more creative analogy that makes actual sense.. but I haven’t been sleeping well so, get over it. So like.. … If YOU want a relationship.. You should probably, you know, act like someone with a little bit more than fucking air between the ears. It’s sort of the “dress for the job you want” sentiment. I don’t understand this. But it’s extremely prevalent. I’ve encountered it so many times. Like, people that are just like crazy hopeless romantic into all this stuff.. But yet. They’re just like inconsiderate assholes. Like they want the fairy tale love story. But they do absolutely nothing to secure their side. If Cinderella had laced up some fucking combat boots to go to the ball, the story would have been very different. And that’s fine. If she wanted to be alone. Or with a different guy or girl.. whatever.. But.. That’s not how it works. You live the story you want to be a part of. If you can’t fucking be bothered to text someone you care about to let them know you made it home safely, when you fucking told them you would. Just fuck you. You’re a piece of shit. That’s the only excuse. You are. It takes 3 seconds. “Home.” Bam. Fucking done. Literally while walking in. I don’t give a fuck how tired you are. Type it before you even start driving. Then press send when you get there. You didn’t fucking fall asleep in the car, so you had time. Or like, If you’re about to disappear for 4 hours, but everything is chill, don’t respond to something with “k” then say absolutely nothing else, when you’re in the middle of a sensitive conversation. I don’t care if Elvis and Tupac walked up. You have time to say, g2g. or TTYL. BBL. BRB. something. That is, if you care. If you don’t, that’s fine. But, don’t expect the cute happy fairy tale life with someone who Does those things. If your S.O. doesn’t do any of that and it isn’t expect. More power to ya. Y’all just be .. whatever you are. But if you want a relationship with someone who does care whether you live or die or disappear for hours because they are a severely anxious person who worries, then you should probably take the time to send a text. “Well, you said you weren’t looking for a relationship right now”……. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? We’re not even going to be friends if you can’t tell me if you made it home at 2 am. Knowing that I won’t sleep until I hear from you. But you know. Like.. Lets say you go to… a place that sells shit. And. You happen to see a pair of shoes.. or pants.. or a shirt.. or whatever.. that’s perfect.. You’ll probably buy that thing. Even if you weren’t looking for it. But, if you go and find a pair of moldy boots that aren’t your size, you’ll most likely never even consider buying them. Play the part you intend to play. You don’t go audition for the role of Belle and sing Dre at the audition. Just like…I mean… I dunno. I don’t understand why it seems like I’m the only person who feels this way. …. “You wore Tuxedos to a job interview for a job that requires you to clean toilets…” Maybe I’m wrong.. Maybe I will be forever alone. I don’t much care anymore ..
Oh Right.. So, I just remembered this is where I was going with the story.. So.. she’s DRIVING to go drinking. And, I’m just like, I really wish you wouldn’t do that. And she got fussy and started soap boxing. And, I was clearly upset. And was just like, alright, you do whatever you feel you need to do, I’d rather not discuss the issue, I just wish you wouldn’t. So, of course, she did anyway. And then when I wasn’t all super happy and talkative, she was all blah blah blah. I was like, I told you, etc etc. (I cut out a lot of yapping for everyone’s sake…… I probably leave in a bit too much still.) So she gets all matter-of-fact and is like, well I have a blah blah whose in jail because blah blah blah, so if I feel tipsy, I won’t drive, etc etc. And I’m like, okay, that’s nice, I have multiple friends who are in the ground because someone felt that same way at some point, but you make very good points, lets just pretend you’re right. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know …” … WELL Guess the fuck what. You didn’t need to know. I expressed that the issue upset me a lot. I clearly displayed that the issue upset me greatly. I requested that you not drink and drive. I expressed that I didn’t want to discuss my reasons because it wasn’t something I wanted to talk about. I feel like I did more than enough the deter anyone who gives one iota of a flying fuck about me to make a different decision. But, hey, maybe that’s just me, again, I dunno.
I can, however, tell you that the wordpress new shit doesn’t work worth a fly fuck. Which is the reason I never post anymore. Cause I have to like type it on the computer. Then send it to my phone. Then copy it into the phone app, which also isn’t easy. Then reformat everything. .. but the computer thing doesn’t work at all. It’s just like Nah, fuck you. I dunno.. Maybe that’s me as well… But I can’t get it to work.. and.. yea.. I dunno.. Google is worthless these days. You search for how to fix something. And it’s like Here’s a Dairy Farm in Saigon. Here are tourist attractions in Portland. How about a review for a television? Oh, here’s a bunch of used cars since someone sent you a link to ask if a car they wanted to buy looked decent three months ago……….. Uh… okay google…. Thanks.
Yea.. I dunno. I’m really tired.
Also, apparently GOOGLE is partially the culprit… WordPress and Chrome don’t work together.. I’m not going to point fingers, because they’re both assholes and need to work this out.
Oh, right.. The thing they miss.. The Outsiders, when he says, “Stay gold, ponyboy.” … like.. yea.. I think people once again just take the wrong idea.
So. I guess on that note. I’ll leave you for now. My head is swirling and I can’t put thoughts to pen. So I’ll let you have two quotes from one of my favorite books.
“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.”
“…no-one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away… The span of someone’s life, they say, is only the core of their actual existence.”
That’s a happy thought. Do something wonderful for someone. Or better Yet. Love someone, and be loved. That’s how you live forever…. I guess I’m a liar cause I’m gonna add one more random quote.. well.. Because I can. If you’re still here, then you obviously don’t mind.
It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn’t work out?
Ah, but what if it does…
Why is it that the one person we need to talk to is the one person we can’t talk to? Why is it that life can be so hard? Why is it that people cling so tightly to the ramblings of some people and blindly ignore the sage wisdom of others? Why is it that some peoples ramblings are considered sage wisdom? People often quote famous people, as if it gives some validation to their musings. If this person said it, and it somehow slightly goes along with what I’m thinking, then there must be merit in my thoughts, right? Don’t get me wrong, if this isn’t your first time here, you know I love to add random quotes to shit. But, that’s just it. That’s all they are. Random shit somebody said. I love Bukowski. I do. And he has a lot of famous quotes, plenty of which, I’m sure you’ve heard or seen written, or reiterated, somewhere, someway. One of my favorites being: “Find what you love and let it kill you.” I think it’s a great thing to strive for, especially the way I’ve realized I am, which I’ll get to momentarily, but it’s still just something that some guy said. He was born. He died. Just like everyone else. As I know I’ve said before. You just gotta find your own way. Life ISN’T what you make it. That’s bullshit. Nobody asked me if I wanted to be born. Nobody asked me what I wanted my talents to be. Maybe I wanted to be a bullfighter. Or a tulip. Maybe I wanted to be a samurai. ( I really did…. do.) Maybe I wanted to be a rhinoceros. (Also… did.) .. But there’s nothing I can do to make that happen. Well, bullfighter maybe. But I’m not Spanish. Or a plant. Or Asian. Or Awesome with a big ass horn coming from my face. I mean. All for the best.. I’d probably be killed by bull. Or a jerk. Or an American when they brought in guns to try to westernize the east, just like Tom Cruise. Actually.. I don’t think he died…. But he was white so it didn’t count. The actual Asians all died. …. Or kill by some douche fuck who wanted to take my horn. .. People are bastards man…. .. just.. … what the fuck even.. .. Assholes…… anyway.. so yea.. like there’s nothing you can do about some things in life. You don’t get a character creater. You don’t get to allocate your stat points as you see fit. Like a completely shitty video game, character creation is all random. Your starting zone, starting gear, starting stats, appearance, class, social order, available quest. It’s all randomly predetermined. So yea. It’s not what you make it… You can choose to try your best to change it. Which often times just leads to missing your entirely life while you struggle to get to the place you want to be. You can make the best of the hand you were dealt. Alright sure. But sometimes it’s just a shitty hand and you don’t even want to play. But you know. It is what it is. What the fuck do I know. These are just my observations.
In my… sitting around not doing a damn thing… Well actually that’s a lie.. I didn’t think of anything during that.. Other than that I should get up and go get some stuff.. I tried to find some soilless potting mix, which I couldn’t. Lowes failed me hard. It was also dark. And crazy cold.. And I had on shorts and flip flops. Which is fine cause it’s what I always have on. But.. It was super windy and .. wind was blowing cold air places and yea. It was just.. Not the best time to be looking at dirt. Other than that I bought a new video game.. And stuff to make tacos. And French toast sticks.. And.. I really really can’t decide which I want for supper. Like… What an odd combination to be torn between. So anyway. In my driving around doing those I got think thinking. … I’ve been fairly angry and hurt lately. And I begin to question the point of life. And why it’s the ones we love that hurt us so much. And I’ve realized. For me, it’s not love unless it hurts. I can’t love easy. Nothing that I consider worthwhile has ever been easy. My favorite video games are the ones that are crazy hard that most people won’t even play. My favorite part of any game is Dark Souls’ Ornstein and Smough fight. It’s considered one of the hardest boss fights ever. And I love it. So much. I’ll restart the game over and over just to get to that fight so I can keep trying it til I beat it. Easy games don’t hold my attetion at all. Same with relationships and everything in life. I … grow? shape? make?… whatever verb you would use, I can never figure out.. bonsai trees. It’s a very slow, ongoing process. It requires time and work and tedious effort. But it’s worth it in the end. Early on they’re often quite ugly. Time consuming. They each have to have their own specific soil, and pot, and place to sit, and amount of water. Blah blah blah blah blah. Then you get to fight with a plant. To force it to grow the way you want it to.. But it’s just something that seems worth doing. Because in the end. If you survive the fight. And the plant survives it. You’ve got something beautiful. And “in the end” is hightly relative here. Because the work is never done. There are bonsai trees that have been being tended to for over 800 years. But they are truly beautiful.
My relationships are the same way. I.. don’t want easy. I don’t grow….. .. I dunno.. whatever plants grow easily, in my yard. I don’t play.. whatever stupid easy video games. It’s all pointless and not worth the minimal effort. I just really really Can’t care. So yea. In my favorite relationship, we fought, A Lot. Yea. It’s been over for 5 years and I still think about it every day. Because it was what is perfect for me. If I won’t fight. It means I don’t care. When the fighting stops. It pretty much means I’m gone. So, in a relation where someone won’t fight. Or it’s someone I can’t fight with about something. Or they’re just truly passive about everything. I’m unhappy. And I’m over it. I guess I see it as them not giving a fuck? I honestly don’t really know. I just know I was happy. Even being unhappy and stressed and angry. I was happy to be all those things about something. And it was going somewhere. Our beautiful tree was growing. So yea, it’s been unkempt for years. But to me, that doesn’t mean that it’s dead. It doesn’t necesarily mean it’ll survive if it were to start the process all over again. I never know anything. I believe, for me though, that I won’t be truly happy in a relationship without so much passion that there’s fighting. If you take two extremely passionate people and put them together, there’s going to be arguments. But I think that’s just indication of passion. And love. I dunno. For me, I guess, I don’t really feel loved if someone doesn’t fight with me. It’s in their passion. In the way they fight with me. For me. Whatever. That I can see love. I really don’t know. Maybe I’m insane. Maybe this is all crazy. But I do know. I was much happier being angry while fighting with someone I loved, than I am now, being angry for no reason. Because at the end of the day. There was love. And I miss that. That’s what I want to kill me.
Current Mood: Angry-Sad, spiraling towards strong depression. You’ve been warned.
There is so much going on in my head right now that I don’t even know where to begin. I suppose I’d like to start by saying, “Fuck you,’ to about 99% of the people on planet Earth. Because you’re all pieces of shit. To the other 1%, I’m sorry you had to hear that.
I’m a lot of things. I’d often use several colorful terms to describe myself. Misanthrope. Psychopath. Sociopath. Reverse Empath (That means I make other people sad by being sad.. Yea. I’m that bad of a rain cloud.) All around some of my favorite terms to describe myself are Monster and Asshole. I mean I often use more adjectives like fat and worthless, but I’m quite sure you can deduce all of that for yourself. But today, I came to the realization. I am not a bad person. If bad and good are relative terms, I’m one of the fucking best. Evidence A. I’m fucking honest. I am so honest. Like.. So so honest. There’s a cartoon about it somewhere on my blog that I’m not gonna repost. You can find it if you care. But yea.. That’s really the only evidence I need. If you’re not honest. You’re pretty much a shitty person. Even if you’re one of these people who think all your little fibs and lies make you a nice person. They don’t. They hurt people. And everyone hates you. Like.. Such stupid shit. I hear people do it all the time. Person A will be like man I can’t get my toaster to work. Person B will be all, Man, crazy you should say that I’m a fucking Toaster Doctor, I could fix that for you in 3 minutes; I’ll swing by one day and hook you up. Person A waits. Person B never shows up. Like.. why the fuck do you offer to do things that you have no intent on ever doing. Like… Why do you tell your parents you’ll come by and help them paint, or put some boxes in the attic if you’re never gonna do it? Like.. Why? Do like me. Say fucking no. You know who of those two people would be considered the asshole in our society. Me.. For saying no. If you lie about something and never do it you’re still the good guy rather than just fucking being up front. Everyone wants to just be lied to. Just fucking draw that shit out forever. Nah. Not me. Fucking pull that rip cord. If you fucking hate me. Tell me. Don’t fucking beat around the bush. Fucking EVERY (I was typing so hard that my keyboard literally just quit working.) … Fucking Every date I’ve been on. Or relationship I’ve ever tried to fucking start.. Like.. Even as fucking friends. People are like super fucking excited. Pull that, OMG YOU’RE FUCKING PERFECT; MARRY ME!??!?!? ..Every time. Yes. I’m perfect on paper obviously, because I get that a lot. Hang out with me for a little while and then fucking judge. We hang out. One Date. Two date. Seven hundred Ninety-four dates. The number really doesn’t matter. Because the day after one of them. Or sometimes even the same night. Something is going to click. And they’re not gonna give a fuck about me anymore. Which is cool. Seven billion people. I mean.. My odds of being their one are something really low.. like.. I dunno.. One is seven billion. The REALLY nice people. Will say, I’m sorry, I’m just not ready for a relationship right now. (Okay well why the fuck did you seem to be yesterday?) It’s not you it’s me. (Well You’re breaking up with me not you.. so you’re an idiot.) And then…… “I just want to be friends right now” .. FUCKING WONDERFUL. And I mean that seriously. If you read it in a sarcastic voice go back and read it again.. And you can skip these sentences once you’ve re-read it in an actually excited voice.. It’s like a Goosebumps book. We’re choosing our own adventure.. We’ll you’re not.. I’m in charge here.. You just hold on and keep your legs and arms inside the vehicle at all times. Thank you and enjoy the ride. But seriously. That’s fucking great. I’d love to be friends. If I like you enough to date you then I like you enough to be your friend. If I actually like you enough to date you then I respect your opinion enough to be okay with being your friend if that’s what you sincerely feel would be better for us. I mean, honestly I probably just REALLY wanted to be your friend is why I was dating you in the first place. And then I wanted to kiss and quite possibly touch your boobs sometimes. I mean.. Sorry. It happens. Don’t act like it doesn’t But yea, friend is my thing. I’m all about a friend. The reason I date is cause I’m looking for a companion. If you want all the good wonderful bits that I really care about anyway and I’m just not allowed to touch your boobs. That’s totally cool with me. I’m down with it. I know you’re still gonna cuddle with me. Cause my friends do. I’m a big ass teddy bear (apparently) so it happens. That’s fucking chill. But then what happens. They don’t respond much that day. We certainly aren’t talking like the “friends” we were yesterday. And you said you REALLY wanted to be my friend…. Next day.. Maybe one text. Generally the, I say, I hope you have a wonderful day, Cause I mean who couldn’t use a little bit of encouragement in the morning, and then they say. You too. Nothing the rest of the day. Maybe text them once or twice. Trying not to be pushy or needy. I mean they just went through a break up give them some space.. Just be there for them like a friend should.. oh.. wait…. uhh.. Right anyway. Then they just trail off entirely. Alright. Well lets get a thing fucking straight here. You. ALL OF YOU. Everyone whom has ever done this. Is a fucking lying piece of shit and you deserve to be hit in the face with a shovel because that’s what you fucking did to their heart. It hurts way the fuck worse than the truth. I’d rather someone tell me that I’m stupid and tacky and they hate me. Or that I smell like cat piss, or I have stupid hair. Or I’m annoying than fucking pretend they fucking care and want to be friends when it is the furtherest damn thing from their mind. And the even worse people are the ones who just quit fucking responding. You go on dates with someone. You hang out with them. They go all kinds of out of their way for you. And you can’t be bothered with a fucking text? I mean. You don’t have to come to my house. You don’t have to call. I mean after a few dates. Text is perfectly fucking fine because the majority of our relationship has probably been fucking text based at that point still. But fucking no. You disappear. My first thought. They’re probably dead. They probably drop past a barricade and into a ravine filled with water and they’re dead. Oh they updated facebook a week later. They’re not dead. I’m not stalking. It just came up in my newsfeed. AAAAAAND fucking delete. Cause I don’t need your bullshit in my life and unalike most people I prefer a low friends number. Because I don’t actually give a fuck about your life if I don’t give a fuck about your life. (Snaps in Z pattern. AAAHum. Heard dat.) But seriously. You’re a fucking inconsiderate prick. I brought you flowers. I paid for whatever the fuck we did on our date. You can’t manage a fucking text? Yea, that sounds pompous and high and mighty, but it’s not. If I go through that much trouble to make you feel special. You fucking text, Pc Btch. See. Ain’t even gotta put all the letters. I’ll get the hint. Just lemme know you’re alive and you hate me. It ain’t that hard.
Which brings me to my next same point. I’m a good person. I’ve always thought I wasn’t and said I wasn’t. But I fucking am. I’m sorry. But honesty IS the best policy. I don’t fucking lead people on. I don’t fucking tell them I want to be their friend when I don’t. I don’t tell them I’ll do something for them that I won’t. I don’t fuck around with people’s hearts and I don’t waste people’s time. I’m one understanding mother fucker. I know what shit feels like. I’ve been through a lot of it. So yea. I don’t mess around with it.
–Which brings me to a related-unrelated topic that I may have mentioned before but I’m gonna hit it again. If you are one of those people that says that suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do. Then fuck you. You’re a piece of shit and you should probably put a bucket on your head and smash it into a wall until you forget everything in your brain. You are the most selfish thing a person can do. Fucking suicide isn’t selfish. Suicide attempts may be. People who half ass “try to kill themselves.” I’m sorry and I’m not pointing any fingers at anyone but some people do it. I have a friend who’s done it… Oh I dunno Like fucking 8 times and been in the hospital dying like 20 yet they’re still alive. I don’t want anyone to kill themselves. And it’s good that some people fail and don’t go through with it. But people who Actually want to kill themselves, in large part, are not fucking selfish. First off, your body is fucking biologically hardwired, LIKE ALL LIVING THINGS – SENTIENT OR NOT- to want to stay the fuck alive. It’s basic life. Things are supposed to want to live. Lemmings never jumped off a cliff… They were pushed and filmed to make for a better documentary and something interesting to say because people are self absorbed fucking assholes. … So you should probably stop and think for a second. How much has to be fundamentally wrong with a person to go against the single most important biological constant. Fucking hierarchy of needs is a pyramid that points to fucking survival. Self preservation is like the fucking first rule. Rule 1. Do you fucking get that. So when a person kills themselves. .. like are you seeing where this is going? Fucking EVERYTHING is broken. Understand. And then we have you, Dr. High and fucking mighty, Saying it’s selfish. Do you fucking understand. If a fucking puppy is starving to death and laying in the hot road and can’t move because it’s legs are broken. Do you just sit in your yard under the umbrella and watch it die as you drink your fucking lemonade? Because it’s literally the same exact fucking thing. When a person is that depressed, that far gone, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, they can do, of their own volition, to repair themselves. It takes someone else. Someone has to care. Someone has to love them enough to pick them up and take them in and fix them. Well blah blah blah you can’t help those than won’t help themselves. … Seriously? Like.. I know the you talking here is me, portraying the average douche bag I come across in life. But I will punch you in the fucking mouth. They cannot. They. Are. Broken. Literally. Fucking broken. Like.. Back to puppy. You have a puppy that won’t eat because it’s stupid.. Yea. You just leave the food and it’ll eat if it gets hungry. Like yea.. It’ll help itself. I mean if you put food and it doesn’t eat anything there’s not much you can do… UNLESS IT’S SICK. If the dog has fucking heart disease and won’t eat because it’s super sick.. It needs fucking help. If it has fucking broken legs and can’t walk to the food bowl. It needs help. Suicide falls into that category. I read something about how blah blah percentage of people who were talked down off of such and such bridge are still alive. Which proves that thoughts of suicide are situation and not neurological. . .. Like seriously. Did you have a fucking pre-schooler right that fucking thesis for you? I mean based on your evidence I’d say dinosaurs didn’t fucking exist either. Alright. You’ve probably got this funny look on your face. But. Suicide. Yes. Depression and sadness (Which are two completely different things) can be made much worse situationally. But. When a person talks them down. SOMEONE IS FUCKING TALKING THEM DOWN. All the people in this fucking study were talked down. All of them. Because otherwise.. they wouldn’t be fucking known about. Someone. Fucking. Helped. Them….. So. Yea. After that point. They were evaluated. People in their life realized how fucking bad off things were. Because, well first off, signs of depression are fairly fucking obvious if you get your head out of your god damn ass. Don’t claim you fucking care about someone when you can’t take one fucking day out of your life to just go see them and check in on them. Fuck you. Seriously though. Like.. people then knew how sad they were. Most people who are talked down from suicide are put into support groups. They have networks. There’s always someone for them to call. Someone that will talk to them. A complete fucking strange who will care for them and be their friend because that person cares whether they live or die. Their own fucking family may not care. They may all be suffering from serious cases of Headintheirassitis like most people. But that person will always and forever have someone. .. Some people aren’t so lucky. Some people don’t live in a city with a tall bridge. Or they’re afraid of heights. So they just do it quietly in their bedroom. Someone knew. If there was a single person in their life. Then someone knew. They just didn’t take the time to help. I’ve been there. Trust me. I’ve been there. Sitting in the floor just fucking sobbing. Praying that a Jehovah’s witness or magazine salesman will come to the door and you can hug them. Calling Every person in your fucking phone just to have someone to talk to because it’s just dark. You can’t remember anything good or happy. You know there’s things. But you can’t remember them. Or feel them. That’s depression. Your fucking mind is dying. There’s several types of depression. But for people like me.. When you just lose all sense of emotion. When there’s just nothing. Over a long long time and with several people’s help. I’ve learned to just try to hang out. My one little fucking candle in the wind is that I know mine will go away at some point. I just keep telling myself I’m gonna be alright. And I fail sometimes. I just lay in the floor and cry until I pass out. I’ll lay there for days. But I guess that’s the one upside to the swings. Atleast it goes away. Or fades enough that I can get up. Some people don’t have that though. I’ve been lucky enough to have some good friends here and there. I don’t want to say lucky at all about this.. but .. to have seen the effects of suicide. The hurt it causes everyone. To try to hold on to that. But some people don’t have that. So don’t fucking act like you know whats going on. Don’t say it’s fucking selfish. Cause it’s not. It’s just being broken.
Next thing. Even more off topic. If you get offended by everything.. or.. anything. Fuck you. Grow a pair. I literally don’t give a fuck about you. At all. like… I just don’t. Saying that something offends you is like.. actually.. You know what .. I don’t even need an analogy. Just fuck you. I do my life. You do yours. Get the fuck over it. You’re ruining the world.
This was really the point of all this.. Like seriously.. I’m sorry for being so angry. If you’re still here and still reading. I love you.. Even if I hate you…. I still love you. Because why not. I have a lot of love.. And I just need to give it to someone.
For the millionth time. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be sad. And I don’t want my heart to feel like this. I don’t want to hurt so badly anymore. I really don’t care. I don’t know who you are. If you wanna be my friend. Be my friend….. As far as dating. Like.. I don’t care. I’ll go on a date with anyone. I mean what is there to lose? I love dates. We’re all people. I’m not gonna say it’ll last forever. But I mean. Why can’t we hang out? I don’t want to control your life. If that’s not what you want. I don’t need to be your life if that’s not what you want. I just want to be somebody’s friend. I just want to love somebody.
For my forever. If it ever exist. Yea. I probably wanna be possessed by somebody. I generally like to be smothered. I want someone to love me so hard. With all and everything they are. Like. I want to do all the stupid awful cliche relationship things. I want little photo booth pictures to stick in my mirror like a teenage girl. I’ll wear matching Christmas sweaters. And Halloween costumes. I would love nothing more. I’d love to carve pumpkins with you. Everyone deserves someone to carve pumpkins with. I’d love to decorate the entire house. I’ll be Clark Griswold in a second. Honestly. That’s the life I want. His would be in my top 5 for choices of any movie life I could live. He has everything I’ve ever wanted. I want to just fall asleep on the couch while you’re laying on me. I want to just sit in front of the fireplace and stare into the Christmas tree lights while I listen to your sleeping breath. Just feel your heart. And know it belongs to me. … I want to just get in the car. Maybe strap a bunch of shit to the top of it and take off on a road trip. Being stuck in a car for a month with the person I love sounds like my absolute definition of heaven. I want to see America’s biggest ball of yarn with you. I want to see all the stupid folky americana shit with you. And I want to love every second of it. If you want an RV. Or even better an old piece of shit VW van with a bed in the back. I’m all for that. I cannot express how much I’d be for it. All I want is to love somebody. That’s really all though. I mean if none of that ever happens. If we don’t even decorate. If we never go on a vacation. If we have different weekend plans because you wanna go do young people stuff and I want to be an old ass and sit home and watch netflix. I can do that to. Just love me. I just want to be loved. I’ve concluded. It’s really all I need in life. Yea. I want all the little things. But All I need is love. Just somebody who’ll love me. Despite my brokeness. Cause I’m broken. I’m broken HARD. But you know that if you’ve read this whole post. And that’s fine. I just want someone to love me anyway. And let me love them…. And just not leave. Just stay with me.
There’s not much about my life that I currently feel the need to say that isn’t said in this song.
As the weather begins to cool. As the brisk morning air actually makes me want to walk outside. As the evening breeze begins to carry the first of the liberated leaves. As I sit, drinking the first real coffee I’ve had in months. Eating my Peruvian dark chocolate ice cream and mint brownie. I stare out the window into the cool dark night. As people begin to bundle and their coat tails flap in the wind. As people begin to lean against me for warmth. I think. Man. This is way too much chocolate what the hell was I thinking. Nuzzled in my high back leather chair at this marvelous wooden table. Friends circled all around. Discussing our favorite memories of the weekend. Talking with the new kids about all they learned and listening to views through the eyes of the innocent. That joy of getting to go back. To almost relive something for the first time through someone else’s eyes. Listening to the old war stories of those that have been around far longer than I. I just curl up in a nest of contentment. As we all discuss plans for the future. As they try to convince me to move to them. Far away from here. Not many thoughts cross my mind. The primary of those, though. What if I go? What will happen to us? Will I ever see you? I know I won’t. I don’t often see you now. But, rarely is better than never. It’s those rare days that make it all worth while. All the waiting. Hoping. Wishing. All the lonely nights. All the feelings of being lost…. As falls sets in… Just come on home. I need my companion. To drive through the mountain and look at the leaves. To get coffee and just drive no where at all. To cuddle up in a blanket on a front porch swing. To take an evening nap in a softly swaying hammock. To go and see all the Christmas lights. To put up our own. To actually have a tree. To have a reason to have a tree. To make all the fattening little balls of sugar to eat and call it holiday tradition. .. Just come on home.
It’s okay to have scars, they will make you who you are. It’s okay to have fears, as long as you’re not scared of coming here. And in the middle of the night, call if you want to talk, ‘cus you know, that I want to talk too.
It’s not bad of you too think of what might go wrong, but you can’t blame me for secretly hoping that I’ll prove you wrong. It’s okay, that I pray, that you will miss your flight, and have to stay with me another night.
And it’s brutal, it’s brutal, why can’t you see?
It’s brutal, it’s brutal, where have you been? ‘Cus we’re far apart and my lonely heart finds it hard to get through the night.
You pull me out of the dark and now it’s light.
You pull me out of the dark and now it’s light.
When we’re out in the market, and out on the streets,
I’ve got a pocket full of problems and a pocket full of seeds.
Hoping something good might grow out of this mistletoe,
and I won’t have to erase your memory.
I like the way that our arguments stop when we fall asleep, and the way that your body feels when it’s wrapped around me, and I’d like it, if you made it to mine by Christmas Eve so you can hold me.
Well I’ve done it. I’ve achieved failure. I’ve come to a point in my life where I have absolutely no one I can talk to. It’s not quite as wonderful as you may think. Now I know some of you are probably cheering my triumph here.. But lemme tell you. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. In fact. I’ve found myself in quite a predicament here. Because, well, I just really need someone to talk to in attempt to get things off my mind and well, yea. So I’m left stuck in my head with these things and it’s….. bad.
It’s been said that it’s better to feel pain than nothing at all. That the opposite of Love is in Indifference. I’m my humble opinion, it’s the latter statement that discredits the former. The opposite of love is really what I’m aiming for in my life. Just vast numbness. Love hurts (love scars) and that’s exactly what I don’t want. Ya know? I’ve done the love thing. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt.. Literally, though. It hurts every day. Each morning I wake by myself as a constant reminder of my failures in the department. Turning it all off just sounds wonderful. I could say I’ve actually been doing fairly well in the department.
Well, I was, atleast.
Saturday, I went to a wedding. For the most perfect couple I’ve ever met. It was my ex-best-friend-girl’s sister (whom is like a sister to me)’s wedding. It.. It drug up a lot of thing. First off, all the people that seemed genuinely excited to see me. Because during my sabbatical of emotionlessness I’ve clearly not been hanging out with people. Then strangers, people I’ve never met, coming up to me and talking to me. Asking me about stories about myself that they have a better memory of than I do. Apparently I’m talked about? Apparently I was fun at some point? Like .. what? Who knew? I don’t ever remember that being the case. I’m sure the stories are all fluffed up. ….
That’s all irrelevant. Anyway. To the point. So the wedding happened. I was instructed I was going to the reception. Because, they’re all aware I have a tendency to just peace out and avoid social situations. So I go to the reception. I don’t know most of the people there, natural. But for me. That definitely means hide in a corner… Although to clarify. Hide in a corner is my default setting no matter how many people I know. So, I just kind of latched on to this girl. Not literally latched on…. I’m not a space shuttle.. although that’d be cool, but no like.. You know what I mean. And this is where the problems really started. I.. developed a crush on this girl about 3 seconds after meeting her. She.. Yea.. She’s a nerd. She’s… She’s a lot like a female me. Except much better, of course. Because I would Never date me. Ever. …. Not even a little. But the problem always was.. That.. well I had a crush on the other girl at the time, and it was this thing where I was trying to focus all my emotions there to use that to break away all the feelings of hurtness and such that I had prior and so like it was just this whole big thing that is complicated and makes no sense and I haven’t even had my coffee yet so I can’t even begin to explain it in a way that makes sense even to me and I know what the hell I’m talking about. So, just trust me on this one. Aight. So, that’s that. So every minute I spend around her is making this worse and worse, so a huge meteor is like, Well fuck that. Oh wait no.. wrong thing.. So, Uh,.. I. .. I elect to go invest in some wine. So I do that. This reception is, by the way, exceptionally boring. Which is chill. Just not exactly what I would have expected from them. But then again it is a bunch of old rich people there. So, me and my wine. We just chill for a while. Eventually all the old people trickle away and rap music starts playing loudly over the speakers. So, finally apparently all the posh is gone and nothing is left aside from the people my age and the drunk and/or fun adult-adults. At this point, it morphs into a dance party. Which I can tell you, did worry me. So I just sat in the back corner with my wine. And watched and smiled. Spoke with Jeremy a few times. About how ridiculous it was. Jeremy, or Jerome’ as I like to call him- pronounced Jhe-ROme, actually turned out to be pretty cool. This was the first time I’d ever met him. I was a little afraid to, actually. But it all worked out. So then she comes over and is talking to me about how she doesn’t dance. And I talk about how I don’t dance. Of course, outside of my house with my cats. We talk about that for a minute. Cause we’re nerds.. And cat people. Jeremy gets pulled to the dance floor. She gets pulled back to the dance floor. At this point, I know I’m fucked. So there I go. Getting drug, kicking and screaming, to the dance floor. I don’t know this song. I don’t know what the fuck to do.—– In the event that you’ve been here for a very long time. You’ll understand this. I can tell you what I didn’t do though. I didn’t sit at arm’s length. I didn’t do nothing at all. And that has made all the difference.—– So I half ass stand around on the dance floor. Eventually. I realized. We’re all white people. It doesn’t matter what I do. None of us can dance worth a diddly. So, a slow song comes on. Time to peace the fuck out of here. I think my wine is calling I better run see if it’s okay. So there I sit. And there I go. Being drug back to the dance floor. “Aww, the song’s almost over.. That’s too bad..” “Shut up, Jansen! It’s better than nothing!” .. Ah what feisty temper, this one. I miss that. So then again. And again. Another girl. Another dance. I have… had never been formally asked to dance before in my life. It was.. Different. It was good. … I’ll let you in on a secret.. I love dancing. …. So this continued for hours. Several hours. We were just all dancing. In a giant gazebo. In the rain. What more perfect Saturday evening could you ever possibly ask for? … Eventually the DJ says it’s the last song, unless anyone has any additional requests. So I have to go request the final song. “Deeper Than the Holler” -Randy Travis. It’s a very important song to all of us. Lot of old memories tied to it. So, it turns out to be pretty much the most serious dance of the evening. And I dance it with her. I know it was over right then and there. I knew my heart wasn’t gonna stay cold and black and locked away. In a freeze frame a giant magnifying glass showed my heart grow 3 sizes. .. wait.. that wasn’t me either.. …. uh.. yea. Sooooo, we dance. She held her wine in one hand as we dance. And it made it that much more wonderful for me. Because it .. yea. It’s just another thing I can’t describe. You’d have to understand me. Understand the whole thing. It was fairly perfect though. And I felt a funny thing. Happiness. For the first time, since the last time. There it was. That old elusive bastard. Tugging on my heart as if it were a marionette. So that ended. We cleaned up. There was some various drama. She’s atleast a couple sheets to the wind at this point. Several people are well past that point. One girl can’t get out a sentence without hiccuping and her English is terribly broken. It was quite possible one of the most adorable things I’d ever seen. So I help clean up all this stuff. They’ve all decided they’re going downtown to watch the game and get pizza. Someone asks me if I’m going, first I’ve heard of it. “Well yea, you’re going” … Through various events and decisions and trying to find rides for all the relatively incapacitated folks and … “I can take her.” … why did I say that. Why .. why Why WHY?! .. Well. That.. yea. so.. That.. You know riding around in my car at night tends to be a fairly personal thing for me. It’s literally been most of my best dates. So we go back to Nana’s so she can change clothes and try to contact everyone to figure out where we’re supposed to be getting pizza. I’m not familiar with around here. Nor is she. So we finally find out where we’re going. Ten or so declined BBQ sandwiches later, we’re finally out the door.. Gah, I just love their who family so much. I miss them. I really do. They’re … Honestly they’re the family I never had. So, here we are. Lost as hell. Driving around. And neither of us cares. My GPS is saying one thing. Her’s is saying another. She’s actually picking the music.. … You don’t understand that that’s a thing. But it is. It very much is. So we’re cruising through the middle of no where. Singing the Beatles and Stevie Nicks. And she keeps telling me stories and we keep talking. She looks at me when she talks. She seems intently interested in the fact that she wants me to listen to her stories. The first time someone has talked to me like that in a long time. I’m fairly certain it was the alcohol. Cause it’s not actually a thing. She’s not….. we’re.. no.. it’s nothing like that. Never will be. It’s just feelings. Feelings I had tried to lay to rest. But. You can’t hide from your heart. Life finds a way. We finally get there. It’s a victory. We celebrate… The arriving part. I think the game was a loss? People were yelling at the TV and stuff. We just sat and ate people’s leftover pizza. So the night dwindled down. We hugged and said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.
So now. There’s that. Spent several days listening to all the related music that reminds me of the night. Seriously considering asking her to a concert with me. As friends. Nothing like that at all. But She’d enjoy the concert. And I REALLY need someone to go with. Because my best friend told me three and a half months ago that he got our tickets.. and He didn’t. And now he “can’t go” … So He fucked me over hard on that one. Which I pretty much knew he would. Because he has a girlfriend now and so I don’t mean shit to him. But that’s fine. I’ll remember it. When it falls to shit and he needs a friend. He can go fuck himself. I’m so done with playing that game. So, I wanna ask her to go. I dunno if she would. I don’t know that my heart could handle it either way. But, it’s where I am. .. I know this has been majorly gibberish. But Honestly. It’s helped me a lot just to get some of it off my chest. I don’t know what to do anymore. How to be. Or who to be it with. No matter what I try it seems to go wrong. But I’m guess that’s what it’s about right. Life IS the messy bits.
Oh Seriously. You’re gonna make mistakes, you’re young.
I feel like maybe.. Maybe I should just make a few. As I’ve said. What I’ve been doing isn’t working. So why not.
As a kid.. You’re just constantly told, “When you grow up…” yadda, yadda, this, that, the other. It just kind of creates this expectation that it’ll happen one day. You’ll just wake up and be an adult. Everything will be as it should be.
Several years back, after losing the girl I intended to spend the rest of my life with — don’t worry she didn’t die, it’s not that kind of story, I adopted the mentality that I should just take life one day at a time. Just go with it. Let the days go by. Don’t be so involved with everything. Don’t have so many worries and concerns. Life will happen when it happens. I guess I just figured I’d follow the idiotic and trite remark that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. My theory, I guess, was, well.. Fuck the other plans then.. I’ll just wait for life to happen. I don’t care what happens. So long as it’s something. Ya know? Just something of meaning. Something to not leave me feeling so empty and unfulfilled. To anyone who isn’t a first time reader here, it will come as no shock at all that all I ever wanted was to get married. Honestly. I don’t even care anymore. I just want to be with someone who loves me at this point. We don’t have to get married. Don’t have to make plans. They just need to love me, and be honest with me. I don’t that’s too high of standards. But, I’m often wrong, as must be the case here.
My relationship went to shit because we were both too young, mainly. It happens. Ya live and learn. So, that’s what I attempted. “Just take your time,” “Just let it happen,” “You’re trying to hard,” “Love will find you when you least expect it,” I can go on forever. Anyone who’s ever been unhappily single can tell you the million stupid phrases that stupid people got from stupid movies to try to make you feel better. Well. As someone who’s spent over half of my 20’s doing exactly that. I can tell you. It’s. Fucking. Bullshit. Love will not find you. It’s not gonna seek you. If you don’t make something happen. Then it never will. Complacency will get you no where.. Well.. That’s a lie.. It’ll get you sitting home alone on another Saturday night. Watching Netflix with your cats. Wanting nothing more in the world than someone else to sit in bed and watch it with you. Just wanting to be in your 20’s. To live them like you’re supposed to. According to the movies. Curled up in bed. Playing on your cell phones. Pizza and cheap wine. Netflix. Teenage feelings of invincibility fading, but being totally cool with that. Still staying up to late, but getting up and chugging coffee before work. A smooth transitioning into “adulthood.” Sucking the marrow from life growing and ever evolving in meaning. Learning who means what to you and developing your lasting friendships of a smaller circle. And finding your person. Just doing life together. No major cares and concerns yet. Just enjoy the final years of carefree ‘youth’ before having children. But, on that path. Paying bills. Making decisions. Do we eat ramen tonight and save money or go out to eat? … Making plans for the holidays. Who’s family do we see when? …. It’s the simplest little things. … but I want that.. … I want to decorate a little shitty tree in a little shitty apartment that we managed to afford together.
The grass is always greener.. Yea. Okay. Whatever.. I live alone, in a pretty big house. I have fast internet. A big flat screen. A gorgeous hand-built wooden bed. I have nice appliances. Amazing stainless full fridge. I have nice furniture. A nice, semi-expensive new car. Another decade old car, and an antique car. And I honestly believe I’d be 10 times happier if I were struggling With someone. Yea. It’s all nice. But it means nothing alone. I always joked I was just gonna stay single and be rich. That wife and kids were what took all your money. Well I can tell you. I’m far from rich. But I wouldn’t choose that life for one second. I want the shitty rom-com life. I’ll take the boring picket fence. Sure I want to travel the world. And I could be doing it right now. I’m constantly told that now is the time. But whats the point. If I don’t get to share those memories with the person I want to share them with. They might as well be dreams.
Some people will say life’s short. Others will tell you it’s the longest thing you’ll ever do. It doesn’t really matter if you don’t enjoy it, though. It’s true that you only get one life. You don’t get to retry. So take a risk. Or don’t. Go with the safe option. Or go with the long shot. But pick something and go with it. I can tell you don’t just wait around and see what happens. Because the answer is nothing. Life won’t come find you. It’ll go straight by. You gotta catch it and ride along.
I’d like to say I’m gonna change my life due to this epiphany. I’d like to say I’ve seen the error of my ways. But I won’t. I’m gonna continue to do the same thing. As far as I’m concern. It’s too late. I’ve already missed everything I want in life. I can’t spend my teenage years making mistakes. I can’t spend my early twenties with good people. Just trying to get by. I can just remember that I was always responsible. Always did the responsible thing. Chose the safe option. Worked every weekend. Made money and provided for myself. Yea. My life is easy. But if I had it to do all over again. I can tell you I wouldn’t for a fucking second choose this path. I can’t go back. I can’t go to the parties…. I’ve never been to a party.. I’ve never danced with a beautiful girl on a dance floor. … And there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t make bad decisions now. I can’t live. I made my bed. Yea, it’s nice. My mattress is super soft. I’ve got feather pillows. Amazing blankets. And yea, I dunno if I mentioned it but my bed is gorgeous. But it’s boring. It’s not the bed I wanted.
… So I guess mine is a cautionary tale. Don’t be responsible. Don’t always go with the safe choice. Do what will make you happy. Adults are wrong. Most people who tell you how to grow up. Tell you the opposite of what they did. Which is, I guess, exactly what I’m doing. But, I can tell you. Seeing the look in their eyes when they remember the stories of their youth. Listening to them talk about glory days. You can see they wouldn’t give up those memories for anything…. I don’t have that. I have no stories to tell you. You won’t see a gleam in my eyes when I recall for you the past 10 years of my life. It’s not joy you’ll see. I made the safe choices. I was responsible. I was an adult. And I can tell you. I hate it.
Live your life. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Or next week. Next year. It’ll get here when it gets here. You seize tonight. You make it happen. You make it what you want. You can live with your regrets when you wake up. But they’ll fade. And you’ll always have the memories.
Whomever you are. Where ever you are. Just be happy.
Thanks for asking, and let me tell you. Not good at all. First off, due to all these snow days, I’m bout broke as shit. Cause, well, it’s hard to make money when ya ain’t workin. So, yea, I mean I’ve eaten ramen for most every meal this week. The meals I ate, that is. I’ve got about a bajillion bills due, so basically every single penny I have is going to that, may even have to collect a few cans to turn in. Most of my bills are late for some reason, so they’ll probably be due about 2 days after I receive them which is just phenomenally handy. Oh, and it’s cold. And since my power bill was $212. I turned off all my heat cause I just can’t afford that shit. So yea, it’s currently 46°F in my house. But you know, that’s just not even the good stuff.
My week has just be a total fucking disaster. I mean, I don’t wanna keep you all day or anything so I’ll just try to hit the high points. I’m boring as shit. No matter what I do, I seem to bore everyone away. I think a few people have slipped into comas just trying to carry on conversation with me. Work has been… uh.. less than good. And by that I mean. Shitty. Like, .. ok well. I mean. One day, molten lead splattered all over me. Effectively burning the hell out of my arms and face, so now I look a bit like a leper. Which, as you could guess, doesn’t help much with the ladies. Or any social interaction for that matter. Hopefully it won’t be so noticeable after a while, I mean the freckles help camouflage it a bit… right?
Um. Today at work, I had to work on this same stupid piece of crap all day long because it was just plain stupid. Someone had messed something up, and I got to track through a bajillion parts and hundreds of feet of wire to find it. Little did I know, when I hooked it back up correctly, that there was a part shorted out. Well. Here’s how that went. (Holds up finger.) Yea. The wire wrapped around my finger melted immediately. Copper has a melting point of 1,984°F … and it was on my finger.. In case you don’t know. That’s really effing hot. It literally melted my skin off. so now I have this hole halfway through my finger. It hurts.. Really badly. Along with all the other fantastic burn holes I have. Oh, right, Yea, dunno if I mentioned, but when you peel off lead that was a liquid when it hit you, it takes the skin with it. My eyelids are unhappy about that fact.
I am insanely freaking hungry. Ramen just doesn’t seem tasty =( .. I have no idea how I survived college.
Found out today that my cousin has Lymphoma (Cancer). She’s 32. My uncle died a year and a half ago. I had a cousin die a year ago from cancer. And now this. Like. I dunno. I’ve just been in fucking tears all day. For her, and her mother. She’s been through so much, I just don’t fucking understand. Life is a cruel bitch mother. That’s what it is. A fucking sick fucking joke.
So. Yea. This is me. Sitting here. Eyes watering. Talking to you. Because, well like every mother fucking thing in my life, wouldn’t ya know. I have no one to talk to right now. Of my apparently only 3 friends. One currently isn’t talking to me because I’m a piece of shit. Though I always have been, so not sure why that’s new. One hasn’t responded to me in several days, so I have no idea what’s going on, but I’m assuming just busy with the baby and such. Can’t blame em. And the other is fucking a bajillion out of town. So, as figures. I want nothing more than to just Not fucking sit here alone tonight. But, guess what options I have. Yep. That. I dunno. Feel like I may try that alcoholic thing again. I failed last time. Fucking stomach ulcer. But I mean. When you fall down ya just gotta get back up.
Oh and I watched a movie yesterday. It’s one of my new favorites. But, I don’t think I can watch it again. I cried like a little girl cause I realized how much I hate my life because it didn’t turn out remotely how I wanted and that I would give anything for someone to share it with.. And I really want the soundtrack… but yep. broke. So I can’t afford it.
Starting is hard, ya know? Starting conversations. Starting Friendships. Starting the day. … starting blog posts.. It’s just always a bit difficult to get started.. But once you get that ball rolling it just seems pretty effortless to continue most of the time. If it’s meant to be, anyway. A ball will only roll itself uphill so far.
Sometimes, I just go way out of my way to start conversations and try too hard to talk to people. And it just doesn’t go anywhere. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s Maybelline. At any rate. It just ain’t happening. I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on myself about these things, I mean, after all, I did try my best and do everything I could.
Anywho, that’s really not what was on my mind. Things have just been difficult lately. I’ve just wanted some people to talk to so badly. And it just hasn’t been working out for me. And then the light bulb in my closet blew and I can’t seem to find a proper replacement and now my closet is all strangely lit and doesn’t work like it used to as ambient light. It’s just this whole thing.
So, I guess I’ll just tell you about my recent events and heartaches. So, Saturday, I’m feelin meh. I decide I’m just gonna stay in and play video games all day long. Yea.. You know where this is going. I get up. Make french toast, (I really wish I had someone to make french toast for. I want to cook breakfast for someone. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!?) eat said french toast, sit down and start playing. Yep. Then my mouse breaks. Well. It’s pretty hard to play computer games without a mouse. But, with the recent snow days, I wasn’t 100% sure I could afford to buy one and pay my bills that are currently due and still be able to eat and buy gas etc etc etc. So after some charts and graphs and whatnot I finally elect that I can buy a mouse. I go to the store. I buy a mouse. I figure, since I’m in need of cat litter and Petsmart is next door, I might as well run get some. Which I just now realized is still in my car.. Man I’m smart.. Anyway. So, they’re having this puppy adoption thing there. First off, they can go to hell. How they gonna try to grief me into buying adorable puppies. I work too much for a puppy. I couldn’t stand to leave the poor fellow home alone that much. So I’m just looking at this puppy. Petting it and what not, I look up, and there is this just insanely gorgeous girl. Pink hair. Black hoodie. I’m like… Fuck yea. I may actually have a chance with this girl. She seems like we could get along well. So, I go up and say hello. LOL JK BISH. I walk off and go get cat litter, buy it, and leave. While at my car I decide no no no no. No. no. Just no. No. Get the hell back in there. So I go back. I wonder around and try to psych myself up to talk to her. I see her like twice and both times she’s having conversations. No.. I wasn’t stalking.. >.> .. Don’t judge me.
So anyway, I see her again, and she’s talking to someone I know. — Quick back story of weird coincidence. The person she’s talking to, is a girl I met at the beach 10 years ago whom just so happened to live like 10 minutes from me. Anyway, we’ve talked here and there on occasion. Kept up. The last time I saw her was 4? years ago.. at an art show I went to for extra credit in an art history class. She was there doing the same for a different class from a different college. Not too long after that she moved fairly far away. And I really haven’t talked to her since. Friday night, yes the night before, she messaged me just completely out of no where and started talking. She was living back here again and such. Just talking to catch up I guess. So yea, I now see her talking to this beautiful girl at Petsmart, of all places. — So. I mean, taking advantage of this Awesome burst of luck I go up and talk to my friend so that I can use this occurrence to meet this girl. ..LOL JK No I didn’t. I quickly just walked the fuck off before she noticed me. I messaged her and was like, Hey, just saw you. O.O .. Anyway, they both disappeared and I went on with my day.
I was just terribly depressed that I had missed my chance to talk to this girl that seemed so so perfect at first glance. And that I just completely blew it, just like my light bulb, and now I’ll never know. Regret is a terrible, terrible feeling.
While getting lunch, I messaged my friend, and said, Sorry, You disappeared. And so did that gorgeous pink haired girl. So I didn’t get to say hey to you… Or her.. =/
“Oh sorry I didn’t see your message or I would have said Hi. And that’s (name). She’s my work friend.” …
Oh.. … Oooooooh. You know her.. Oh.. Uh. *Dies
So, I got the girls number from her and now we’re married and lived happily ever after.
LOL JK. No I didn’t. I didn’t mention the topic at all and instead decided to pretend the whole thing never happened.
So. I guess the moral of this story is. Meh.
Today I met this girl, on Tinder. Yes.. I know. I judge me, too. But I’ve never actually met anymore from there. Just people to talk to. I mean, it’s better than a chat room or something, … right?
We talked about Nessie, and fairies, and all the reasons why science can’t prove that they don’t exist, and how science is essentially a religion. Using stories they’ve invented to explain things about the universe that we’re trying to understand. I mean. It was a long, in-depth conversation, which I’m clearly not going to bore everyone here with. Maybe later. But it was very lovely. Then she had to go to work. And well. I don’t assume I’ll ever hear from her again. Because that’s how my life works. But, you know, I assume it’s karmic retribution. Because I’ve done it to so many people for so long. So maybe mine wasn’t exactly the same. But I never let anyone in. I never truly give anyone a chance.
I’ve met the love of my life. And so, with that knowledge, I don’t think I ever truly expect anything to go anywhere or any potential suitresses (the closest word to exist for the female of a suitor), what few and far between they are these days, to actually have a chance at all.
For me. It’s never been a ‘what might have been?’ It’s always a ‘what will be?’ I’ve never truly given up on her. On you. I think it’s just always waiting. Just trying to find something to do til you come back to where you’re meant to me. Til I’m back where I was meant to be. Not a memory. Still very much past, present, and future.
After hearing the other side of that though, I feel like I’m being a huge asshole. That maybe, leaving that door open is the worst possible thing. Hope. Hope is something that keeps people from ever moving on. So long as people think there’s a chance, I don’t think they ever truly let go of things. And maybe, though it’d tear my soul in half, maybe I should just shut that door. Maybe it’s what prevents both parties from just being truly happy. I don’t know. As always. I don’t have the answers. I know I don’t want to let go. I know I like that door. And asshole as I may be about it. I like that you know the door is open.
adarkspot 