Starting is hard, ya know? Starting conversations. Starting Friendships. Starting the day. … starting blog posts.. It’s just always a bit difficult to get started.. But once you get that ball rolling it just seems pretty effortless to continue most of the time. If it’s meant to be, anyway. A ball will only roll itself uphill so far.
Sometimes, I just go way out of my way to start conversations and try too hard to talk to people. And it just doesn’t go anywhere. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s Maybelline. At any rate. It just ain’t happening. I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on myself about these things, I mean, after all, I did try my best and do everything I could.
Anywho, that’s really not what was on my mind. Things have just been difficult lately. I’ve just wanted some people to talk to so badly. And it just hasn’t been working out for me. And then the light bulb in my closet blew and I can’t seem to find a proper replacement and now my closet is all strangely lit and doesn’t work like it used to as ambient light. It’s just this whole thing.
So, I guess I’ll just tell you about my recent events and heartaches. So, Saturday, I’m feelin meh. I decide I’m just gonna stay in and play video games all day long. Yea.. You know where this is going. I get up. Make french toast, (I really wish I had someone to make french toast for. I want to cook breakfast for someone. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!?) eat said french toast, sit down and start playing. Yep. Then my mouse breaks. Well. It’s pretty hard to play computer games without a mouse. But, with the recent snow days, I wasn’t 100% sure I could afford to buy one and pay my bills that are currently due and still be able to eat and buy gas etc etc etc. So after some charts and graphs and whatnot I finally elect that I can buy a mouse. I go to the store. I buy a mouse. I figure, since I’m in need of cat litter and Petsmart is next door, I might as well run get some. Which I just now realized is still in my car.. Man I’m smart.. Anyway. So, they’re having this puppy adoption thing there. First off, they can go to hell. How they gonna try to grief me into buying adorable puppies. I work too much for a puppy. I couldn’t stand to leave the poor fellow home alone that much. So I’m just looking at this puppy. Petting it and what not, I look up, and there is this just insanely gorgeous girl. Pink hair. Black hoodie. I’m like… Fuck yea. I may actually have a chance with this girl. She seems like we could get along well. So, I go up and say hello. LOL JK BISH. I walk off and go get cat litter, buy it, and leave. While at my car I decide no no no no. No. no. Just no. No. Get the hell back in there. So I go back. I wonder around and try to psych myself up to talk to her. I see her like twice and both times she’s having conversations. No.. I wasn’t stalking.. >.> .. Don’t judge me.
So anyway, I see her again, and she’s talking to someone I know. — Quick back story of weird coincidence. The person she’s talking to, is a girl I met at the beach 10 years ago whom just so happened to live like 10 minutes from me. Anyway, we’ve talked here and there on occasion. Kept up. The last time I saw her was 4? years ago.. at an art show I went to for extra credit in an art history class. She was there doing the same for a different class from a different college. Not too long after that she moved fairly far away. And I really haven’t talked to her since. Friday night, yes the night before, she messaged me just completely out of no where and started talking. She was living back here again and such. Just talking to catch up I guess. So yea, I now see her talking to this beautiful girl at Petsmart, of all places. — So. I mean, taking advantage of this Awesome burst of luck I go up and talk to my friend so that I can use this occurrence to meet this girl. ..LOL JK No I didn’t. I quickly just walked the fuck off before she noticed me. I messaged her and was like, Hey, just saw you. O.O .. Anyway, they both disappeared and I went on with my day.
I was just terribly depressed that I had missed my chance to talk to this girl that seemed so so perfect at first glance. And that I just completely blew it, just like my light bulb, and now I’ll never know. Regret is a terrible, terrible feeling.
While getting lunch, I messaged my friend, and said, Sorry, You disappeared. And so did that gorgeous pink haired girl. So I didn’t get to say hey to you… Or her.. =/
“Oh sorry I didn’t see your message or I would have said Hi. And that’s (name). She’s my work friend.” …
Oh.. … Oooooooh. You know her.. Oh.. Uh. *Dies
So, I got the girls number from her and now we’re married and lived happily ever after.
LOL JK. No I didn’t. I didn’t mention the topic at all and instead decided to pretend the whole thing never happened.
So. I guess the moral of this story is. Meh.
Today I met this girl, on Tinder. Yes.. I know. I judge me, too. But I’ve never actually met anymore from there. Just people to talk to. I mean, it’s better than a chat room or something, … right?
We talked about Nessie, and fairies, and all the reasons why science can’t prove that they don’t exist, and how science is essentially a religion. Using stories they’ve invented to explain things about the universe that we’re trying to understand. I mean. It was a long, in-depth conversation, which I’m clearly not going to bore everyone here with. Maybe later. But it was very lovely. Then she had to go to work. And well. I don’t assume I’ll ever hear from her again. Because that’s how my life works. But, you know, I assume it’s karmic retribution. Because I’ve done it to so many people for so long. So maybe mine wasn’t exactly the same. But I never let anyone in. I never truly give anyone a chance.
I’ve met the love of my life. And so, with that knowledge, I don’t think I ever truly expect anything to go anywhere or any potential suitresses (the closest word to exist for the female of a suitor), what few and far between they are these days, to actually have a chance at all.
For me. It’s never been a ‘what might have been?’ It’s always a ‘what will be?’ I’ve never truly given up on her. On you. I think it’s just always waiting. Just trying to find something to do til you come back to where you’re meant to me. Til I’m back where I was meant to be. Not a memory. Still very much past, present, and future.
After hearing the other side of that though, I feel like I’m being a huge asshole. That maybe, leaving that door open is the worst possible thing. Hope. Hope is something that keeps people from ever moving on. So long as people think there’s a chance, I don’t think they ever truly let go of things. And maybe, though it’d tear my soul in half, maybe I should just shut that door. Maybe it’s what prevents both parties from just being truly happy. I don’t know. As always. I don’t have the answers. I know I don’t want to let go. I know I like that door. And asshole as I may be about it. I like that you know the door is open.