I don’t even know….

Current Mood: Angry-Sad, spiraling towards strong depression. You’ve been warned.

There is so much going on in my head right now that I don’t even know where to begin. I suppose I’d like to start by saying, “Fuck you,’ to about 99% of the people on planet Earth. Because you’re all pieces of shit. To the other 1%, I’m sorry you had to hear that.

I’m a lot of things. I’d often use several colorful terms to describe myself. Misanthrope. Psychopath. Sociopath. Reverse Empath (That means I make other people sad by being sad.. Yea. I’m that bad of a rain cloud.) All around some of my favorite terms to describe myself are Monster and Asshole. I mean I often use more adjectives like fat and worthless, but I’m quite sure you can deduce all of that for yourself. But today, I came to the realization. I am not a bad person. If bad and good are relative terms, I’m one of the fucking best. Evidence A. I’m fucking honest. I am so honest. Like.. So so honest. There’s a cartoon about it somewhere on my blog that I’m not gonna repost. You can find it if you care. But yea.. That’s really the only evidence I need. If you’re not honest. You’re pretty much a shitty person. Even if you’re one of these people who think all your little fibs and lies make you a nice person. They don’t. They hurt people. And everyone hates you. Like.. Such stupid shit. I hear people do it all the time. Person A will be like man I can’t get my toaster to work. Person B will be all, Man, crazy you should say that I’m a fucking Toaster Doctor, I could fix that for you in 3 minutes; I’ll swing by one day and hook you up. Person A waits. Person B never shows up. Like.. why the fuck do you offer to do things that you have no intent on ever doing. Like… Why do you tell your parents you’ll come by and help them paint, or put some boxes in the attic if you’re never gonna do it? Like.. Why? Do like me. Say fucking no. You know who of those two people would be considered the asshole in our society. Me.. For saying no. If you lie about something and never do it you’re still the good guy rather than just fucking being up front. Everyone wants to just be lied to. Just fucking draw that shit out forever. Nah. Not me. Fucking pull that rip cord. If you fucking hate me. Tell me. Don’t fucking beat around the bush. Fucking EVERY (I was typing so hard that my keyboard literally just quit working.) … Fucking Every date I’ve been on. Or relationship I’ve ever tried to fucking start.. Like.. Even as fucking friends. People are like super fucking excited. Pull that, OMG YOU’RE FUCKING PERFECT; MARRY ME!??!?!? ..Every time. Yes. I’m perfect on paper obviously, because I get that a lot. Hang out with me for a little while and then fucking judge. We hang out. One Date. Two date. Seven hundred Ninety-four dates. The number really doesn’t matter. Because the day after one of them. Or sometimes even the same night. Something is going to click. And they’re not gonna give a fuck about me anymore. Which is cool. Seven billion people. I mean.. My odds of being their one are something really low.. like.. I dunno.. One is seven billion. The REALLY nice people. Will say, I’m sorry, I’m just not ready for a relationship right now. (Okay well why the fuck did you seem to be yesterday?) It’s not you it’s me. (Well You’re breaking up with me not you.. so you’re an idiot.) And then…… “I just want to be friends right now” .. FUCKING WONDERFUL. And I mean that seriously. If you read it in a sarcastic voice go back and read it again.. And you can skip these sentences once you’ve re-read it in an actually excited voice.. It’s like a Goosebumps book. We’re choosing our own adventure.. We’ll you’re not.. I’m in charge here.. You just hold on and keep your legs and arms inside the vehicle at all times. Thank you and enjoy the ride. But seriously. That’s fucking great. I’d love to be friends. If I like you enough to date you then I like you enough to be your friend. If I actually like you enough to date you then I respect your opinion enough to be okay with being your friend if that’s what you sincerely feel would be better for us. I mean, honestly I probably just REALLY wanted to be your friend is why I was dating you in the first place. And then I wanted to kiss and quite possibly touch your boobs sometimes. I mean.. Sorry. It happens. Don’t act like it doesn’t But yea, friend is my thing. I’m all about a friend. The reason I date is cause I’m looking for a companion. If you want all the good wonderful bits that I really care about anyway and I’m just not allowed to touch your boobs. That’s totally cool with me. I’m down with it. I know you’re still gonna cuddle with me. Cause my friends do. I’m a big ass teddy bear (apparently) so it happens. That’s fucking chill. But then what happens. They don’t respond much that day. We certainly aren’t talking like the “friends” we were yesterday. And you said you REALLY wanted to be my friend…. Next day.. Maybe one text. Generally the, I say, I hope you have a wonderful day, Cause I mean who couldn’t use a little bit of encouragement in the morning, and then they say. You too. Nothing the rest of the day. Maybe text them once or twice. Trying not to be pushy or needy. I mean they just went through a break up give them some space.. Just be there for them like a friend should.. oh.. wait…. uhh.. Right anyway. Then they just trail off entirely. Alright. Well lets get a thing fucking straight here. You. ALL OF YOU. Everyone whom has ever done this. Is a fucking lying piece of shit and you deserve to be hit in the face with a shovel because that’s what you fucking did to their heart. It hurts way the fuck worse than the truth. I’d rather someone tell me that I’m stupid and tacky and they hate me. Or that I smell like cat piss, or I have stupid hair. Or I’m annoying than fucking pretend they fucking care and want to be friends when it is the furtherest damn thing from their mind. And the even worse people are the ones who just quit fucking responding. You go on dates with someone. You hang out with them. They go all kinds of out of their way for you. And you can’t be bothered with a fucking text? I mean. You don’t have to come to my house. You don’t have to call. I mean after a few dates. Text is perfectly fucking fine because the majority of our relationship has probably been fucking text based at that point still. But fucking no. You disappear. My first thought. They’re probably dead. They probably drop past a barricade and into a ravine filled with water and they’re dead. Oh they updated facebook a week later. They’re not dead. I’m not stalking. It just came up in my newsfeed. AAAAAAND fucking delete. Cause I don’t need your bullshit in my life and unalike most people I prefer a low friends number. Because I don’t actually give a fuck about your life if I don’t give a fuck about your life. (Snaps in Z pattern. AAAHum. Heard dat.) But seriously. You’re a fucking inconsiderate prick. I brought you flowers. I paid for whatever the fuck we did on our date. You can’t manage a fucking text? Yea, that sounds pompous and high and mighty, but it’s not. If I go through that much trouble to make you feel special. You fucking text, Pc Btch. See. Ain’t even gotta put all the letters. I’ll get the hint. Just lemme know you’re alive and you hate me. It ain’t that hard.

Which brings me to my next same point. I’m a good person. I’ve always thought I wasn’t and said I wasn’t. But I fucking am. I’m sorry. But honesty IS the best policy. I don’t fucking lead people on. I don’t fucking tell them I want to be their friend when I don’t. I don’t tell them I’ll do something for them that I won’t. I don’t fuck around with people’s hearts and I don’t waste people’s time. I’m one understanding mother fucker. I know what shit feels like. I’ve been through a lot of it. So yea. I don’t mess around with it.

–Which brings me to a related-unrelated topic that I may have mentioned before but I’m gonna hit it again. If you are one of those people that says that suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do. Then fuck you. You’re a piece of shit and you should probably put a bucket on your head and smash it into a wall until you forget everything in your brain. You are the most selfish thing a person can do. Fucking suicide isn’t selfish. Suicide attempts may be. People who half ass “try to kill themselves.” I’m sorry and I’m not pointing any fingers at anyone but some people do it. I have a friend who’s done it… Oh I dunno Like fucking 8 times and been in the hospital dying like 20 yet they’re still alive. I don’t want anyone to kill themselves. And it’s good that some people fail and don’t go through with it. But people who Actually want to kill themselves, in large part, are not fucking selfish. First off, your body is fucking biologically hardwired, LIKE ALL LIVING THINGS – SENTIENT OR NOT- to want to stay the fuck alive. It’s basic life. Things are supposed to want to live. Lemmings never jumped off a cliff… They were pushed and filmed to make for a better documentary and something interesting to say because people are self absorbed fucking assholes. … So you should probably stop and think for a second. How much has to be fundamentally wrong with a person to go against the single most important biological constant. Fucking hierarchy of needs is a pyramid that points to fucking survival. Self preservation is like the fucking first rule. Rule 1. Do you fucking get that. So when a person kills themselves. .. like are you seeing where this is going? Fucking EVERYTHING is broken. Understand. And then we have you, Dr. High and fucking mighty, Saying it’s selfish. Do you fucking understand. If a fucking puppy is starving to death and laying in the hot road and can’t move because it’s legs are broken. Do you just sit in your yard under the umbrella and watch it die as you drink your fucking lemonade? Because it’s literally the same exact fucking thing. When a person is that depressed, that far gone, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, they can do, of their own volition, to repair themselves. It takes someone else. Someone has to care. Someone has to love them enough to pick them up and take them in and fix them. Well blah blah blah you can’t help those than won’t help themselves. … Seriously? Like.. I know the you talking here is me, portraying the average douche bag I come across in life. But I will punch you in the fucking mouth. They cannot. They. Are. Broken. Literally. Fucking broken. Like.. Back to puppy. You have a puppy that won’t eat because it’s stupid.. Yea. You just leave the food and it’ll eat if it gets hungry. Like yea.. It’ll help itself. I mean if you put food and it doesn’t eat anything there’s not much you can do… UNLESS IT’S SICK. If the dog has fucking heart disease and won’t eat because it’s super sick.. It needs fucking help. If it has fucking broken legs and can’t walk to the food bowl. It needs help. Suicide falls into that category. I read something about how blah blah percentage of people who were talked down off of such and such bridge are still alive. Which proves that thoughts of suicide are situation and not neurological. . .. Like seriously. Did you have a fucking pre-schooler right that fucking thesis for you? I mean based on your evidence I’d say dinosaurs didn’t fucking exist either. Alright. You’ve probably got this funny look on your face. But. Suicide. Yes. Depression and sadness (Which are two completely different things) can be made much worse situationally. But. When a person talks them down. SOMEONE IS FUCKING TALKING THEM DOWN. All the people in this fucking study were talked down. All of them. Because otherwise.. they wouldn’t be fucking known about. Someone. Fucking. Helped. Them….. So. Yea. After that point. They were evaluated. People in their life realized how fucking bad off things were. Because, well first off, signs of depression are fairly fucking obvious if you get your head out of your god damn ass. Don’t claim you fucking care about someone when you can’t take one fucking day out of your life to just go see them and check in on them. Fuck you. Seriously though. Like.. people then knew how sad they were. Most people who are talked down from suicide are put into support groups. They have networks. There’s always someone for them to call. Someone that will talk to them. A complete fucking strange who will care for them and be their friend because that person cares whether they live or die. Their own fucking family may not care. They may all be suffering from serious cases of Headintheirassitis like most people. But that person will always and forever have someone. .. Some people aren’t so lucky. Some people don’t live in a city with a tall bridge. Or they’re afraid of heights. So they just do it quietly in their bedroom. Someone knew. If there was a single person in their life. Then someone knew. They just didn’t take the time to help. I’ve been there. Trust me. I’ve been there. Sitting in the floor just fucking sobbing. Praying that a Jehovah’s witness or magazine salesman will come to the door and you can hug them. Calling Every person in your fucking phone just to have someone to talk to because it’s just dark. You can’t remember anything good or happy. You know there’s things. But you can’t remember them. Or feel them. That’s depression. Your fucking mind is dying. There’s several types of depression. But for people like me.. When you just lose all sense of emotion. When there’s just nothing. Over a long long time and with several people’s help. I’ve learned to just try to hang out. My one little fucking candle in the wind is that I know mine will go away at some point. I just keep telling myself I’m gonna be alright. And I fail sometimes. I just lay in the floor and cry until I pass out. I’ll lay there for days. But I guess that’s the one upside to the swings. Atleast it goes away. Or fades enough that I can get up. Some people don’t have that though. I’ve been lucky enough to have some good friends here and there. I don’t want to say lucky at all about this.. but .. to have seen the effects of suicide. The hurt it causes everyone. To try to hold on to that. But some people don’t have that. So don’t fucking act like you know whats going on. Don’t say it’s fucking selfish. Cause it’s not. It’s just being broken.

Next thing. Even more off topic. If you get offended by everything.. or.. anything. Fuck you. Grow a pair. I literally don’t give a fuck about you. At all. like… I just don’t. Saying that something offends you is like.. actually.. You know what .. I don’t even need an analogy. Just fuck you. I do my life. You do yours. Get the fuck over it. You’re ruining the world.

This was really the point of all this.. Like seriously.. I’m sorry for being so angry. If you’re still here and still reading. I love you.. Even if I hate you…. I still love you. Because why not. I have a lot of love.. And I just need to give it to someone.

For the millionth time. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be sad. And I don’t want my heart to feel like this. I don’t want to hurt so badly anymore. I really don’t care. I don’t know who you are. If you wanna be my friend. Be my friend….. As far as dating. Like.. I don’t care. I’ll go on a date with anyone. I mean what is there to lose? I love dates. We’re all people. I’m not gonna say it’ll last forever. But I mean. Why can’t we hang out? I don’t want to control your life. If that’s not what you want. I don’t need to be your life if that’s not what you want. I just want to be somebody’s friend. I just want to love somebody.

For my forever. If it ever exist. Yea. I probably wanna be possessed by somebody. I generally like to be smothered. I want someone to love me so hard. With all and everything they are. Like. I want to do all the stupid awful cliche relationship things. I want little photo booth pictures to stick in my mirror like a teenage girl. I’ll wear matching Christmas sweaters. And Halloween costumes. I would love nothing more. I’d love to carve pumpkins with you. Everyone deserves someone to carve pumpkins with. I’d love to decorate the entire house. I’ll be Clark Griswold in a second. Honestly. That’s the life I want. His would be in my top 5 for choices of any movie life I could live. He has everything I’ve ever wanted. I want to just fall asleep on the couch while you’re laying on me. I want to just sit in front of the fireplace and stare into the Christmas tree lights while I listen to your sleeping breath. Just feel your heart. And know it belongs to me. … I want to just get in the car. Maybe strap a bunch of shit to the top of it and take off on a road trip. Being stuck in a car for a month with the person I love sounds like my absolute definition of heaven. I want to see America’s biggest ball of yarn with you. I want to see all the stupid folky americana shit with you. And I want to love every second of it. If you want an RV. Or even better an old piece of shit VW van with a bed in the back. I’m all for that. I cannot express how much I’d be for it. All I want is to love somebody. That’s really all though. I mean if none of that ever happens. If we don’t even decorate. If we never go on a vacation. If we have different weekend plans because you wanna go do young people stuff and I want to be an old ass and sit home and watch netflix. I can do that to. Just love me. I just want to be loved. I’ve concluded. It’s really all I need in life. Yea. I want all the little things. But All I need is love. Just somebody who’ll love me. Despite my brokeness. Cause I’m broken. I’m broken HARD. But you know that if you’ve read this whole post. And that’s fine. I just want someone to love me anyway. And let me love them…. And just not leave. Just stay with me.