Dearest Love of my Life,
And anyone else whom would like to know,
I’m writing you today for many reasons. I apologize for my brain. It’s been quite jumbled as of late and making any form of coherence is an achievement in and of itself for the time being. Perhaps I’ll just go with it as it comes.
For starters, it’s no surprise to you, but I’ll restate it for the jury, at any rate, of all that which I feel, the single emotion, I have the most difficulty dealing with is happiness. On many levels, I find it hard to simply allow myself happiness. I often feel undeserving, and selfish for just letting myself have what I want in life. But, more-so than that, dealing with the aftermath of true happiness is what truly takes it toll on me. With you more than anything. If there’s one thing no one could ever dare say of us, it’s that we lack passion. I’m not sure it’s possible for two people to cause more emotional reaction. It’s always been a case where it’s so strong that it cannot help but affect everyone around. Every single emotion is all or nothing. Not a single thing is left half-assed. It’s such an intoxicating feeling. I feel sad for those who go through life never experiencing it. To feel emotions you weren’t even aware you were capable of. To feel on such a strong level that it affects every single cell in your body, straight to the core of your being, right from the soul. Every tiny thing being the emotional equivalent of a Saturn-V rocket. It really is, in it’s most simplified form, in fact, how I would describe what it means to feel alive. And for that very reason, outside of the destructive force that could be paired with such strong emotion, outside anything bad, just ignoring all else, the most simple thing, once you’ve felt that, there is nothing else. That happiness that I allow myself when with you. That widespread bolt of current that powers my entire being. When that is gone. I’m left lifeless. I guess it’s the way adrenaline junkies feel. …… I’m sorry about this, but to reference one of the worst piece of lit… er.. uh.. to reference the most incoherent and sad grouping of words on paper that I do believe I’ve ever encountered, I feel it’s comparable to Bella doing .. stupid shit after Mr. Sparkles is gone. For me, however, I don’t think adrenaline would come close. If I really had to compare it I guess.. I’d say.. It’s like having.. lemme see.. scientifically speaking.. A bajillion 5-hour energy drinks injected directly into your heart. And then. After that’s gone. Substituting eating an apple to try to get the same feeling. It’s just not gonna do the trick. I’ve never felt more alive than when I’m with you. Ever. Even just sitting, eating pizza with enough cheese to choke a dragon, I feel alive, and with purpose. Without that, everything pales in comparison. I’m literally left with a feeling of not wanting to do anything. Food. Why? What’s the point of eating? Going out? Why? There’s no one there that’ll be worth seeing. Watching TV? Why? It’s made up and they still don’t get it as right as we are. And that, is the most destructive force of all. Something so amazing, that without it, all desire to live is extinguished. Is there anyone alive that can tell me which is the better of the options? Feel all you can feel? And risk complete devastation and lack of will to go on should it ever leave? Or avoid it, and live a decent mediocre life? Get by, be “happy” on occasion, but never truly feel anything to the extent you know you’re capable. Play it safe? Or feel like the walking nuclear reactor the universe clearly intended you to be. I don’t have that answer.
I’m sorry that it puts paragraph spaces. As I know they aren’t supposed to be paired with tabbed indentations. Which aren’t even allowed here apparently, even though they are proper form for a written letter. But.. oh well. Sometimes ya just gotta live on the edge, right?
The thing is though, I can’t make that decision for me. I certainly can’t make it for someone else. Life comes one day at a time. And you just gotta take it as such. I can’t say what’ll happen tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next week. Or sixty years down the road. I can’t offer guarantees. That’s not what life is about though. If you want something. Go for it I guess. That’s where I’m at. You can sit around and play it safe. And never truly feel what you want to feel. Always feel like there’s something more. But, for me, I play my life safe on 99.9% of applications. This is the one area I’ve never done that. I prefer to feel. Even if for a short time. Even when afterwards I just want to lay down on the ground and crumble to dust to be blown away with the wind. Going through the worst feeling that could possibly exist, is entirely worth it for a chance to feel the best, strongest, most amazing feeling that could possibly exist. But I can’t make those choices for others. I cannot make any guess as to the longevity of things. I really can’t say much at all these days. What I can say, is that while I can, I’m going to try to live my life. And try my best to find something that stirs each and every atom in my body. I’m going to try to live my life. Anyone that wants to be there can try to keep up. Anyone that doesn’t, stand at the bus stop and wave.
I’m far from a perfect individual. I don’t trust myself. Sometimes from day-to-day, everything I feel shifts. I complain about a lot of things. I could go on forever. But I know how to love. And I know how to love hard. I try very hard to never give up on anyone. And, I want people to better themselves. I do everything I can to push people to be all they can be. Even if I ignore all of my own potential, I always try to get others to recognize theirs. But the thing is, No one is perfect. I have my flaws. You have yours. As the great prophet, Wyclef Jean, sang “let he without sin cast the first stone.” (I’m aware this is actually a verse from John. Cool your jets.) But, the thing is, we love each other for our flaws and quirks. Those tiny little chips and sharp edges around the soul. That’s what allows us to fit with other people. Imagine if every piece of a puzzle were a perfect square. Each and every one of them would fit together, regardless to where they actually belonged. Instead. Each piece has its own unique curves, unique tabs, unique blanks, is entirely unique unto itself to fit exactly where it belongs. Why not believe every human soul is the same? We’re all designed to fit perfectly with the pieces we’re meant to be with. I’m sorry for my flaws. But they make me who I am, and make me perfect for whom I’m meant to be with.
I can’t tell other’s how to live. I try to find morals and such for people to live by. But, really, who am I to give anyone advice. Look at my life, what stance can I take on how to do it properly. That’s the real secret though. No one can give you that answer. No one is born with a manual on how to life. It’s all like a huge game. There isn’t really a win or lose. Each player plays in their own way. Placing value on achievements that may not matter to the other players. Some achievements may be valued by many. Some by few. And most every player will have their own definition of what it means to win in this game. But the fact is, No other player can tell you how to play your game. Your life. Their life. Both started the same way. From there, it’s basically up in the air. They didn’t get any more instructions that you did. So you play this game the way you want to play it. And aim for the outcome you’d like to reach. That’s pretty much all there is.
Listen. Everyone. I love you. You are special. And you are that way for a reason. Never let anyone bring you down.
Yours Truly. ❤
Please. Listen to these words. And think about them. Each and every day.
No matter who. No matter what. “If a great wave shall fall, It would fall upon us all.” .. We’re all here together. You’re never alone. Never.
So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone, you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?
If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go
And maybe I’ll work out
A way to make it back some day
Towards you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there’s someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go
Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time
If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I’ll go wherever you will go
If I could turn back time
I’ll go wherever you will go
I’ll go wherever you will go
adarkspot 