Hard

Why is it that the one person we need to talk to is the one person we can’t talk to? Why is it that life can be so hard? Why is it that people cling so tightly to the ramblings of some people and blindly ignore the sage wisdom of others? Why is it that some peoples ramblings are considered sage wisdom? People often quote famous people, as if it gives some validation to their musings. If this person said it, and it somehow slightly goes along with what I’m thinking, then there must be merit in my thoughts, right? Don’t get me wrong, if this isn’t your first time here, you know I love to add random quotes to shit. But, that’s just it. That’s all they are. Random shit somebody said. I love Bukowski. I do. And he has a lot of famous quotes, plenty of which, I’m sure you’ve heard or seen written, or reiterated, somewhere, someway. One of my favorites being: “Find what you love and let it kill you.” I think it’s a great thing to strive for, especially the way I’ve realized I am, which I’ll get to momentarily, but it’s still just something that some guy said.  He was born. He died. Just like everyone else. As I know I’ve said before. You just gotta find your own way. Life ISN’T what you make it. That’s bullshit. Nobody asked me if I wanted to be born. Nobody asked me what I wanted my talents to be. Maybe I wanted to be a bullfighter. Or a tulip. Maybe I wanted to be a samurai. ( I really did…. do.) Maybe I wanted to be a rhinoceros. (Also… did.) .. But there’s nothing I can do to make that happen. Well, bullfighter maybe. But I’m not Spanish. Or a plant. Or Asian. Or Awesome with a big ass horn coming from my face. I mean. All for the best.. I’d probably be killed by bull. Or a jerk. Or an American when they brought in guns to try to westernize the east, just like Tom Cruise. Actually.. I don’t think he died…. But he was white so it didn’t count. The actual Asians all died. …. Or kill by some douche fuck who wanted to take my horn. .. People are bastards man…. .. just.. … what the fuck even.. .. Assholes…… anyway.. so yea.. like there’s nothing you can do about some things in life. You don’t get a character creater. You don’t get to allocate your stat points as you see fit. Like a completely shitty video game, character creation is all random. Your starting zone, starting gear, starting stats, appearance, class, social order, available quest. It’s all randomly predetermined. So yea. It’s not what you make it… You can choose to try your best to change it. Which often times just leads to missing your entirely life while you struggle to get to the place you want to be. You can make the best of the hand you were dealt. Alright sure. But sometimes it’s just a shitty hand and you don’t even want to play. But you know. It is what it is. What the fuck do I know. These are just my observations.
In my… sitting around not doing a damn thing… Well actually that’s a lie.. I didn’t think of anything during that.. Other than that I should get up and go get some stuff.. I tried to find some soilless potting mix, which I couldn’t. Lowes failed me hard. It was also dark. And crazy cold.. And I had on shorts and flip flops. Which is fine cause it’s what I always have on. But.. It was super windy and .. wind was blowing cold air places and yea. It was just.. Not the best time to be looking at dirt. Other than that I bought a new video game.. And stuff to make tacos. And French toast sticks.. And.. I really really can’t decide which I want for supper. Like… What an odd combination to be torn between. So anyway. In my driving around doing those I got think thinking. … I’ve been fairly angry and hurt lately. And I begin to question the point of life. And why it’s the ones we love that hurt us so much. And I’ve realized. For me, it’s not love unless it hurts. I can’t love easy. Nothing that I consider worthwhile has ever been easy. My favorite video games are the ones that are crazy hard that most people won’t even play. My favorite part of any game is Dark Souls’ Ornstein and Smough fight. It’s considered one of the hardest boss fights ever. And I love it. So much. I’ll restart the game over and over just to get to that fight so I can keep trying it til I beat it. Easy games don’t hold my attetion at all. Same with relationships and everything in life. I … grow? shape? make?… whatever verb you would use, I can never figure out.. bonsai trees. It’s a very slow, ongoing process. It requires time and work and tedious effort. But it’s worth it in the end. Early on they’re often quite ugly. Time consuming. They each have to have their own specific soil, and pot, and place to sit, and amount of water. Blah blah blah blah blah. Then you get to fight with a plant. To force it to grow the way you want it to.. But it’s just something that seems worth doing. Because in the end. If you survive the fight. And the plant survives it. You’ve got something beautiful. And “in the end” is hightly relative here. Because the work is never done. There are bonsai trees that have been being tended to for over 800 years.  But they are truly beautiful.

My relationships are the same way. I.. don’t want easy. I don’t grow….. .. I dunno.. whatever plants grow easily, in my yard. I don’t play.. whatever stupid easy video games. It’s all pointless and not worth the minimal effort. I just really really Can’t care. So yea. In my favorite relationship, we fought, A Lot. Yea. It’s been over for 5 years and I still think about it every day. Because it was what is perfect for me. If I won’t fight. It means I don’t care. When the fighting stops. It pretty much means I’m gone. So, in a relation where someone won’t fight. Or it’s someone I can’t fight with about something. Or they’re just truly passive about everything. I’m unhappy. And I’m over it. I guess I see it as them not giving a fuck? I honestly don’t really know. I just know I was happy. Even being unhappy and stressed and angry. I was happy to be all those things about something. And it was going somewhere. Our beautiful tree was growing. So yea, it’s been unkempt for years. But to me, that doesn’t mean that it’s dead. It doesn’t necesarily mean it’ll survive if it were to start the process all over again. I never know anything. I believe, for me though, that I won’t be truly happy in a relationship without so much passion that there’s fighting. If you take two extremely passionate people and put them together, there’s going to be arguments. But I think that’s just indication of passion. And love. I dunno. For me, I guess, I don’t really feel loved if someone doesn’t fight with me. It’s in their passion. In the way they fight with me. For me. Whatever. That I can see love. I really don’t know. Maybe I’m insane. Maybe this is all crazy. But I do know. I was much happier being angry while fighting with someone I loved, than I am now, being angry for no reason. Because at the end of the day. There was love. And I miss that. That’s what I want to kill me.