So, I just keep waiting..
and waiting..
….. And waiting..
What for? You might ask.
Good Question.
As a kid.. You’re just constantly told, “When you grow up…” yadda, yadda, this, that, the other. It just kind of creates this expectation that it’ll happen one day. You’ll just wake up and be an adult. Everything will be as it should be.
Several years back, after losing the girl I intended to spend the rest of my life with — don’t worry she didn’t die, it’s not that kind of story, I adopted the mentality that I should just take life one day at a time. Just go with it. Let the days go by. Don’t be so involved with everything. Don’t have so many worries and concerns. Life will happen when it happens. I guess I just figured I’d follow the idiotic and trite remark that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. My theory, I guess, was, well.. Fuck the other plans then.. I’ll just wait for life to happen. I don’t care what happens. So long as it’s something. Ya know? Just something of meaning. Something to not leave me feeling so empty and unfulfilled. To anyone who isn’t a first time reader here, it will come as no shock at all that all I ever wanted was to get married. Honestly. I don’t even care anymore. I just want to be with someone who loves me at this point. We don’t have to get married. Don’t have to make plans. They just need to love me, and be honest with me. I don’t that’s too high of standards. But, I’m often wrong, as must be the case here.
My relationship went to shit because we were both too young, mainly. It happens. Ya live and learn. So, that’s what I attempted. “Just take your time,” “Just let it happen,” “You’re trying to hard,” “Love will find you when you least expect it,” I can go on forever. Anyone who’s ever been unhappily single can tell you the million stupid phrases that stupid people got from stupid movies to try to make you feel better. Well. As someone who’s spent over half of my 20’s doing exactly that. I can tell you. It’s. Fucking. Bullshit. Love will not find you. It’s not gonna seek you. If you don’t make something happen. Then it never will. Complacency will get you no where.. Well.. That’s a lie.. It’ll get you sitting home alone on another Saturday night. Watching Netflix with your cats. Wanting nothing more in the world than someone else to sit in bed and watch it with you. Just wanting to be in your 20’s. To live them like you’re supposed to. According to the movies. Curled up in bed. Playing on your cell phones. Pizza and cheap wine. Netflix. Teenage feelings of invincibility fading, but being totally cool with that. Still staying up to late, but getting up and chugging coffee before work. A smooth transitioning into “adulthood.” Sucking the marrow from life growing and ever evolving in meaning. Learning who means what to you and developing your lasting friendships of a smaller circle. And finding your person. Just doing life together. No major cares and concerns yet. Just enjoy the final years of carefree ‘youth’ before having children. But, on that path. Paying bills. Making decisions. Do we eat ramen tonight and save money or go out to eat? … Making plans for the holidays. Who’s family do we see when? …. It’s the simplest little things. … but I want that.. … I want to decorate a little shitty tree in a little shitty apartment that we managed to afford together.
The grass is always greener.. Yea. Okay. Whatever.. I live alone, in a pretty big house. I have fast internet. A big flat screen. A gorgeous hand-built wooden bed. I have nice appliances. Amazing stainless full fridge. I have nice furniture. A nice, semi-expensive new car. Another decade old car, and an antique car. And I honestly believe I’d be 10 times happier if I were struggling With someone. Yea. It’s all nice. But it means nothing alone. I always joked I was just gonna stay single and be rich. That wife and kids were what took all your money. Well I can tell you. I’m far from rich. But I wouldn’t choose that life for one second. I want the shitty rom-com life. I’ll take the boring picket fence. Sure I want to travel the world. And I could be doing it right now. I’m constantly told that now is the time. But whats the point. If I don’t get to share those memories with the person I want to share them with. They might as well be dreams.
Some people will say life’s short. Others will tell you it’s the longest thing you’ll ever do. It doesn’t really matter if you don’t enjoy it, though. It’s true that you only get one life. You don’t get to retry. So take a risk. Or don’t. Go with the safe option. Or go with the long shot. But pick something and go with it. I can tell you don’t just wait around and see what happens. Because the answer is nothing. Life won’t come find you. It’ll go straight by. You gotta catch it and ride along.
I’d like to say I’m gonna change my life due to this epiphany. I’d like to say I’ve seen the error of my ways. But I won’t. I’m gonna continue to do the same thing. As far as I’m concern. It’s too late. I’ve already missed everything I want in life. I can’t spend my teenage years making mistakes. I can’t spend my early twenties with good people. Just trying to get by. I can just remember that I was always responsible. Always did the responsible thing. Chose the safe option. Worked every weekend. Made money and provided for myself. Yea. My life is easy. But if I had it to do all over again. I can tell you I wouldn’t for a fucking second choose this path. I can’t go back. I can’t go to the parties…. I’ve never been to a party.. I’ve never danced with a beautiful girl on a dance floor. … And there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t make bad decisions now. I can’t live. I made my bed. Yea, it’s nice. My mattress is super soft. I’ve got feather pillows. Amazing blankets. And yea, I dunno if I mentioned it but my bed is gorgeous. But it’s boring. It’s not the bed I wanted.
… So I guess mine is a cautionary tale. Don’t be responsible. Don’t always go with the safe choice. Do what will make you happy. Adults are wrong. Most people who tell you how to grow up. Tell you the opposite of what they did. Which is, I guess, exactly what I’m doing. But, I can tell you. Seeing the look in their eyes when they remember the stories of their youth. Listening to them talk about glory days. You can see they wouldn’t give up those memories for anything…. I don’t have that. I have no stories to tell you. You won’t see a gleam in my eyes when I recall for you the past 10 years of my life. It’s not joy you’ll see. I made the safe choices. I was responsible. I was an adult. And I can tell you. I hate it.
Live your life. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Or next week. Next year. It’ll get here when it gets here. You seize tonight. You make it happen. You make it what you want. You can live with your regrets when you wake up. But they’ll fade. And you’ll always have the memories.
Whomever you are. Where ever you are. Just be happy.