To borrow the familiar expression, there are two types of people in the world: Those who read my blog, and those who do not. To the former I offer the following: Sorry that I have not posted recently. And yes, I elect the word posted over written. Because, I have, in fact, written plenty of things, but I’m just back in the point of being .. whatever I am sometimes. A large issue is that I have to edit what I write because sometimes (Ha, yes, “sometimes” .. scoff) it gets a little bit whiny and no one truly wants to listen to anyone complain. I promise I’ll post some other stuff soon. And hopefully some stories. [Readers] love stories. Anyway. For now, here is my complaint turned into a question.
How do you get closure? And more importantly, how do you get to the point where closure is what you want?
Also, How do I avoid the absolutely unavailable?
You see, I tend to be in love with what I can’t have. But that isn’t who I really am. I’ve never been the type to set my goals high. I don’t really have confidence in myself so I tend to play it safe in general. According to my scores and abilities in math and science (and basically everything else) I really could have been anything I wanted. — And seeing as I’ve told you all my GPA, you may not believe me. But any shortcomings were rooted solely in my lack of effort, not lack of intelligence to perform. And by lack of effort I mean, I didn’t do homework because it’s F’n stupid for me to go home and do practice math problems for something I’ve known how to do since 5th grade. — But I’ve never really known what I wanted. And I’ve never truly tried to set a goal for anything high for fear I might fail. So I started of college doing art. Graphic Design as well as drawing and painting. But I changed majors both out of fear and hatred. I couldn’t handle having to make everyone else happy with me work. It’s not that I couldn’t do it. My professor’s were generally very pleased with my work. But I would stress so hardcore about it that it just wasn’t worth it. My fear that they wouldn’t like my work was far too intense. So I changed to history. I mean I love history but lets all just be honest here. As far as degrees go it’s about as bullshit and pointless as they come. But hey, atleast I was able to graduate within four years because I’d already taken a bajillion history classes at the point of switching.
The thing is, I really don’t like not getting what I want. Which I mean, yea, pretty sure most people would agree there. But, my mechanism of coping with that is to just not want anything I can’t have.
Back to the real point though. Girls. Everyone knows I love girls. And generally I’m willing to give any of them a shot. I mean you never know if you like it if you don’t try it, right? Well, herein lies my brokenness. I’ve been snowballing downhill since my last “heartbreak.” It wasn’t the typical “High School romance” heartbreak. More of a simple realization of what I had allowed. I let myself feel and be something that was just never true. Or more importantly allowed myself to bec…. Er. I don’t know. Words are hard sometimes. I have no elegant want to say this. To break it down. I was in love with a friend of mine. And our relationship was a very close one. It was basically everything I could ever want from a relationship. Aside of course from the physical aspects which are the least important to me. Somewhere along the way though my brain apparently got lost in the reality of the situation. And started thinking of her as I would a lover. The most important fact though is that I really wasn’t good for her. “They” say that in every relationship there’s a reacher and a settler. I don’t want anyone to ever settle for me in any way. I don’t ever want anyone to settle at all. The reality is that it’s going to happen and there’s nothing I can do about what others do with their life. Unless, of course, it involves me, in which case. I can walk right out the door and make their life better for it. And that’s exactly what I did. She’s back to her old self. Adventures and activities and all the friends. And me I’m back to being a hollow shell. But there is that little bit of happiness knowing I did what I felt was right.
And this is where we are now. Since then. I’ve tried and tried find somebody new. When it comes right down to it though, I absolutely won’t let myself. I’m somehow stuck on my ex. From years ago. From before everything else. I’ve attempted going out with a few people. And so far just haven’t let myself care. She though, is with someone else now. Naturally. It’s been forever. And that’s fine. It’s probably for the better. As I fuck up everything I do. And when I say she can do much better than me. I mean it. She’s happier without me. But, the hardest part lies in know that she settled for someone worse. I feel like I could make her happier than he does. I don’t know if things would work out this time. I don’t know. The conflict of head and heart. There’s what I want and all the wonderful things. But then there’s all the reasons it wouldn’t. Stress. Every day I wake up and it’s on my mind. Everything I do. There it is. And I think the best closure for me would be if I knew she were with someone better than me. You know, that savior complex of mine. I’m not the best for anyone. And I can’t make them happy. I have all my issues. But so long as someone else is doing a great job I’m good. But any guy who doesn’t get a girl flowers for Valentine’s Day is a little iffy in my book. I get my Mother flowers on V-day. I look for reasons to give flowers. Every girl deserves flowers. Whether she believes that or not, and regardless if she wants them. She deserves them.
But really though. How do I find closure? If the closure I need isn’t going to happen. And I’m stuck on something that fossilized forever ago, What do I do? There Should be a little “Message Me” thing ^up there somewhere. You can click on it and message me advice or anything. And I mean the advice “Move on” really isn’t advice. I mean If somewhere were to say How do I reach to top shelf if I’m too short? I wouldn’t respond Learn to fly. Some things in life aren’t as simple as that.
Anyway.. I’m done with this topic. On to something else for now.
adarkspot 