Well I’ve done it. I’ve achieved failure. I’ve come to a point in my life where I have absolutely no one I can talk to. It’s not quite as wonderful as you may think. Now I know some of you are probably cheering my triumph here.. But lemme tell you. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. In fact. I’ve found myself in quite a predicament here. Because, well, I just really need someone to talk to in attempt to get things off my mind and well, yea. So I’m left stuck in my head with these things and it’s….. bad.
It’s been said that it’s better to feel pain than nothing at all. That the opposite of Love is in Indifference. I’m my humble opinion, it’s the latter statement that discredits the former. The opposite of love is really what I’m aiming for in my life. Just vast numbness. Love hurts (love scars) and that’s exactly what I don’t want. Ya know? I’ve done the love thing. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt.. Literally, though. It hurts every day. Each morning I wake by myself as a constant reminder of my failures in the department. Turning it all off just sounds wonderful. I could say I’ve actually been doing fairly well in the department.
Well, I was, atleast.
Saturday, I went to a wedding. For the most perfect couple I’ve ever met. It was my ex-best-friend-girl’s sister (whom is like a sister to me)’s wedding. It.. It drug up a lot of thing. First off, all the people that seemed genuinely excited to see me. Because during my sabbatical of emotionlessness I’ve clearly not been hanging out with people. Then strangers, people I’ve never met, coming up to me and talking to me. Asking me about stories about myself that they have a better memory of than I do. Apparently I’m talked about? Apparently I was fun at some point? Like .. what? Who knew? I don’t ever remember that being the case. I’m sure the stories are all fluffed up. ….
That’s all irrelevant. Anyway. To the point. So the wedding happened. I was instructed I was going to the reception. Because, they’re all aware I have a tendency to just peace out and avoid social situations. So I go to the reception. I don’t know most of the people there, natural. But for me. That definitely means hide in a corner… Although to clarify. Hide in a corner is my default setting no matter how many people I know. So, I just kind of latched on to this girl. Not literally latched on…. I’m not a space shuttle.. although that’d be cool, but no like.. You know what I mean. And this is where the problems really started. I.. developed a crush on this girl about 3 seconds after meeting her. She.. Yea.. She’s a nerd. She’s… She’s a lot like a female me. Except much better, of course. Because I would Never date me. Ever. …. Not even a little. But the problem always was.. That.. well I had a crush on the other girl at the time, and it was this thing where I was trying to focus all my emotions there to use that to break away all the feelings of hurtness and such that I had prior and so like it was just this whole big thing that is complicated and makes no sense and I haven’t even had my coffee yet so I can’t even begin to explain it in a way that makes sense even to me and I know what the hell I’m talking about. So, just trust me on this one. Aight. So, that’s that. So every minute I spend around her is making this worse and worse, so a huge meteor is like, Well fuck that. Oh wait no.. wrong thing.. So, Uh,.. I. .. I elect to go invest in some wine. So I do that. This reception is, by the way, exceptionally boring. Which is chill. Just not exactly what I would have expected from them. But then again it is a bunch of old rich people there. So, me and my wine. We just chill for a while. Eventually all the old people trickle away and rap music starts playing loudly over the speakers. So, finally apparently all the posh is gone and nothing is left aside from the people my age and the drunk and/or fun adult-adults. At this point, it morphs into a dance party. Which I can tell you, did worry me. So I just sat in the back corner with my wine. And watched and smiled. Spoke with Jeremy a few times. About how ridiculous it was. Jeremy, or Jerome’ as I like to call him- pronounced Jhe-ROme, actually turned out to be pretty cool. This was the first time I’d ever met him. I was a little afraid to, actually. But it all worked out. So then she comes over and is talking to me about how she doesn’t dance. And I talk about how I don’t dance. Of course, outside of my house with my cats. We talk about that for a minute. Cause we’re nerds.. And cat people. Jeremy gets pulled to the dance floor. She gets pulled back to the dance floor. At this point, I know I’m fucked. So there I go. Getting drug, kicking and screaming, to the dance floor. I don’t know this song. I don’t know what the fuck to do.—– In the event that you’ve been here for a very long time. You’ll understand this. I can tell you what I didn’t do though. I didn’t sit at arm’s length. I didn’t do nothing at all. And that has made all the difference.—– So I half ass stand around on the dance floor. Eventually. I realized. We’re all white people. It doesn’t matter what I do. None of us can dance worth a diddly. So, a slow song comes on. Time to peace the fuck out of here. I think my wine is calling I better run see if it’s okay. So there I sit. And there I go. Being drug back to the dance floor. “Aww, the song’s almost over.. That’s too bad..” “Shut up, Jansen! It’s better than nothing!” .. Ah what feisty temper, this one. I miss that. So then again. And again. Another girl. Another dance. I have… had never been formally asked to dance before in my life. It was.. Different. It was good. … I’ll let you in on a secret.. I love dancing. …. So this continued for hours. Several hours. We were just all dancing. In a giant gazebo. In the rain. What more perfect Saturday evening could you ever possibly ask for? … Eventually the DJ says it’s the last song, unless anyone has any additional requests. So I have to go request the final song. “Deeper Than the Holler” -Randy Travis. It’s a very important song to all of us. Lot of old memories tied to it. So, it turns out to be pretty much the most serious dance of the evening. And I dance it with her. I know it was over right then and there. I knew my heart wasn’t gonna stay cold and black and locked away. In a freeze frame a giant magnifying glass showed my heart grow 3 sizes. .. wait.. that wasn’t me either.. …. uh.. yea. Sooooo, we dance. She held her wine in one hand as we dance. And it made it that much more wonderful for me. Because it .. yea. It’s just another thing I can’t describe. You’d have to understand me. Understand the whole thing. It was fairly perfect though. And I felt a funny thing. Happiness. For the first time, since the last time. There it was. That old elusive bastard. Tugging on my heart as if it were a marionette. So that ended. We cleaned up. There was some various drama. She’s atleast a couple sheets to the wind at this point. Several people are well past that point. One girl can’t get out a sentence without hiccuping and her English is terribly broken. It was quite possible one of the most adorable things I’d ever seen. So I help clean up all this stuff. They’ve all decided they’re going downtown to watch the game and get pizza. Someone asks me if I’m going, first I’ve heard of it. “Well yea, you’re going” … Through various events and decisions and trying to find rides for all the relatively incapacitated folks and … “I can take her.” … why did I say that. Why .. why Why WHY?! .. Well. That.. yea. so.. That.. You know riding around in my car at night tends to be a fairly personal thing for me. It’s literally been most of my best dates. So we go back to Nana’s so she can change clothes and try to contact everyone to figure out where we’re supposed to be getting pizza. I’m not familiar with around here. Nor is she. So we finally find out where we’re going. Ten or so declined BBQ sandwiches later, we’re finally out the door.. Gah, I just love their who family so much. I miss them. I really do. They’re … Honestly they’re the family I never had. So, here we are. Lost as hell. Driving around. And neither of us cares. My GPS is saying one thing. Her’s is saying another. She’s actually picking the music.. … You don’t understand that that’s a thing. But it is. It very much is. So we’re cruising through the middle of no where. Singing the Beatles and Stevie Nicks. And she keeps telling me stories and we keep talking. She looks at me when she talks. She seems intently interested in the fact that she wants me to listen to her stories. The first time someone has talked to me like that in a long time. I’m fairly certain it was the alcohol. Cause it’s not actually a thing. She’s not….. we’re.. no.. it’s nothing like that. Never will be. It’s just feelings. Feelings I had tried to lay to rest. But. You can’t hide from your heart. Life finds a way. We finally get there. It’s a victory. We celebrate… The arriving part. I think the game was a loss? People were yelling at the TV and stuff. We just sat and ate people’s leftover pizza. So the night dwindled down. We hugged and said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.
So now. There’s that. Spent several days listening to all the related music that reminds me of the night. Seriously considering asking her to a concert with me. As friends. Nothing like that at all. But She’d enjoy the concert. And I REALLY need someone to go with. Because my best friend told me three and a half months ago that he got our tickets.. and He didn’t. And now he “can’t go” … So He fucked me over hard on that one. Which I pretty much knew he would. Because he has a girlfriend now and so I don’t mean shit to him. But that’s fine. I’ll remember it. When it falls to shit and he needs a friend. He can go fuck himself. I’m so done with playing that game. So, I wanna ask her to go. I dunno if she would. I don’t know that my heart could handle it either way. But, it’s where I am. .. I know this has been majorly gibberish. But Honestly. It’s helped me a lot just to get some of it off my chest. I don’t know what to do anymore. How to be. Or who to be it with. No matter what I try it seems to go wrong. But I’m guess that’s what it’s about right. Life IS the messy bits.
Oh Seriously. You’re gonna make mistakes, you’re young.
I feel like maybe.. Maybe I should just make a few. As I’ve said. What I’ve been doing isn’t working. So why not.