To start with the simple version, Life is bullshit. Okay. Maybe that is a little bit over simplified. It’s just that.. in life.. .. well for one thing the lessons you learn in life are the lessons you need to know prior to having to learn them. And, also, time is a bastard.
Alright. Now, let me try to explain this in the terms of a slightly more civilized human being. It all started.. no no.. that’s a terrible introduction. Okay. Um..
High school, I think, gives me far more grief now that it ever seemed to when I was actually in high school. In the most basic terms: I’m all like hey that girl is kinda cute mayb-.. Ahum, she’s in high school. The Hell you say? Well that one there is kin… high school. Kiddin me? So I’ve devised this system of figuring out if a girl is in high school. Question 1: Is she cute? No? … oh well. Yes? Proceed to Question 2. Question 2: Does she live near here? No? .. wtf is she doing here then..? That’s weird. Yes? Then she’s probably in high school. And I mean.. it’s not that there’s anything really Wrong with that, I mean, I’m young enough to date a high school senior without it being too creepy, I think. However, it’s the fact that I’ve done that song and dance too many times. It just doesn’t work out. They haven’t figured out what the hell they want out of life and that doesn’t make for a stable relationship. While volatile relationships are fun, I mean who doesn’t love explosions, they just really aren’t what I’m looking for anymore, I don’t think.
And it’s the same advice, every day. You should really move somewhere else. It’s that place, man. It gets to ya. It’s those people. You’ll never survive there. There’s nothing there, you just gotta get out. Okay, well first off, naturally, I’m a little bit like: Mwaahahaha challenge accepted! .. (even though I’d definitely lose) but mainly, I think it’s incredibly dumb that there is just like really No one here with whom I can be friends or date or look at funnily or anything else. Sometimes I wonder if I’d even notice if a zombie apocalypse happened. I don’t think much around here would change. I mean there’s gotta be someone else. Even in post apocalyptic wastelands people always find some kindred spirit. Or atleast that’s how it happens in the movies. Surely someone, somewhere wants to be my friend? Or my Lover? Or my Confidant? (<– Must be read with french accent) My plus one for my monotonous quotidian abyss. Surely some soul is willing follow me into the Mist of Avalon. … Um. Sorry, got a bit carried away there.
So from there my brain kinda went all over the place. First off. Just people in general and their interaction. The terminal nature of it mainly. It all ends. Friendships, relationships, whatever have you. People just don’t seem to fully grasp the implication of the word Forever. I know it’s a cliche word and people just kind of use it all nonchalant like. But the thing is, when I say the word forever, I mean it, or atleast unto the end of my existence here. When I say I will be here for you forever. And when I say I will always love you. (Generally in speaking to a friend or whatever. “You” is just easier and shorter to write as all the pronouns tend to get a little jumbled.) What I mean is. I will be here. Until the end. I may not like you every day. I may not like you tomorrow. I may get mad or not want to talk to you for a while. I may not want to see you or be around you sometimes. But that if you truly need me. I will be what you need me to be. I will Always love you. But apparently I’m nearly alone in this sentiment. Forever to everyone else seems to mean I like you until the end of this period in my life. But if you ever upset me. Or something happens and we can’t be friends for a little while. Or whatever then I’m basically over you, Forever. It’s just all very disheartening sometimes. And me of course being the way I am. Just lets them be. Let them be, because they’re better off without me. Or let them have their time when they’re too busy for me. Because I know I did my best to let them know I’m always here. They’re come back. Or they won’t. But I did all I could. It probably just wasn’t enough.
But. Moving on from that topic that got excessively depressing. Anyone still with me here, I’m sorry about that but You know, the pouring of one’s soul can be a messy thing. So after that I decide, Hey! I’ll look through some of my high school year books, that’ll cheer me up. Never have I been so wrong.
Looking back through year books can be fun if you just look at pictures and remember good times. If you read all the writing. Probably not so much. Well I guess that depends on how satisfied you are with your life. Personally, I’ve never been the type to miss high school. However, for a few moments atleast, that all changed.
Alright so, I don’t know if you’ve picked up on this. But, I can be a bit down on myself. But see, the things is, when I say I don’t have any friends. That’s really not an exaggeration. Pretty sure the last time I went out with another human (who isn’t in my immediate family) was .. shit.. a long time ago. Long. Long. Long ago.
My one friend comes and goes depending on whether he has a girlfriend or not. Which is fine; I don’t remotely blame him for that. I’d much rather hang out with a pretty girl than me also, but sadly I’m stuck with me. Don’t judge him or think he’s a bad person. He’s just really busy being still in school and working and dating and blah blah blah. I mean really, I get it. We hang out when there’s time. Which is virtually never, but still. — So funny story real quick. I met this guy.. well I had ‘met’ him before but the first time we really talked.. one night my friend invited me over <back when I had a few.. way way back> because him and his girlfriend were coming over to watch a movie. So it was our “double-date” even though it wasn’t really a date on our side. Well. Somewhere amongst standing in the kitchen talking, explaining to the girls what particular emoticons meant (mainly my favorites -.- and >.< .. ) whilst my friend was scooping ice cream straight out of the tub with popcorn and eating it as I stared in disgust at her, he and I started talking a bit. The girls said something provoking and I said Hey, you wanna go to a strip club with me? (Completely joking of course.. I ain’t really about that life..) and he chimed right in Yes! Let’s do it. I then said, Alright we’re gonna be best friends. He said alright. Soon after we went on our first man-date and, as they say, the rest is history.
Next closest thing I have to a friend lives roughly 1750 miles away. It’s all highly my fault, though. I inspire this in people. I just kinda get scared for some reason and disappear when I do have friends. And so far no one has either A. Cared enough to do something about it. or B. Figured out what the hell to do when it happens. …. or C. Waited around for me to work it out.
And you see, a big part of this not really having friends things has to do with my college experience. I was a shy nervous freshman. Much like I’m now a shy, nervous college graduate. But, I eventually made plenty of friends. Well, come the summer after my sophomore year, I got my tuition bill and such, and I owed $8000. Well, seeing as I had a full ride and a 3.7 GPA, I called bullshit on that one. They made up some completely shit excuse. So I did the only reasonable thing. I told em to shove it and transferred. Well, not only did it completely destroy my GPA by resetting it to a 3.0 for some stupid reason, but it also put me as completely new as a junior. Zero friends. None. What was worse. Their major was different and required different Gen. Ed courses. Yea. You guessed it. As a Junior I was in classes with all the Freshman. Well, as commuters tend to do I fell right through the cracks. I didn’t really make any friends at my new school. As if having to move back home hadn’t already decimated my life enough. Being over an hour away from my old school really strained any friendships existing there til I slowly became a complete outsider there. I’d go to birthday celebrations and the such but the invites became fewer and fewer. I felt further and further away from them. And now that tiny vestige of hope has finally been extinguished altogether.
… I hate to break the fourth wall here. But I just ate so many Reese’s and they were so so good. Mmm. So good. .. Back to the depressing now.
So.. Backing way up. The real point here I think was to get to this. We don’t learn the lessons we need to learn in life. Until after the point at which is would have probably been most helpful to know them. If I had known in high school and college everything I know now. I can honestly say my Whole life would be very different. They say hindsight is 20:20. And Yea, that’s usually true. Because you’ve learned from the situation and now know how to handle it properly.
You see. That whole. Feeling like an outsider thing didn’t really start recently. I’ve always felt that way. And thought I was always right to do so. It honestly wasn’t til tonight that I realized how wrong I was back then. Starting in about 7th grade I looked through what people wrote. Of course, there were the generic year book signatures and sayings. But so many people wrote personal stuff. And clearly thought of me as a friend. When I’ve never felt like people truly noticed me or completely cared. Even more surprising to me was the number of girls who wrote phone numbers and such with clear indication of it’s purpose. I mean, blame depression or whatever you will; but.. I was just completely in the dark. I had no idea that anyone cared.
If I had only known.. I guess the real moral… If we were going to try to salvage something good from my soul desecrating your screen here.
Don’t waste your life. Pay attention. Notice people and try to understand them. They may care. Or feel the same way as you do. If everyone is too shy to talk no one will ever be friends. Basically. Don’t be me.