I’ve come back to this point in my life where everything is hollow and without meaning. I wake up. I do my daily routine. I go to sleep. Each and every day. No joy. No variety. No memories made. No mark left on the world.
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When She left. There was nothing.
Then. For a while. I’d found a friend. When they were around. Time meant so much more. I’d finally started to make something. Every day. Every week. Especially the holidays. Each and every day a new adventure. I awoke each morning, trying to decide what the day would hold. Planning. Scheming. Making the most of the day. Skipping towards the ability to suck the marrow of each day. Every new sun, a new world waiting to be explored. A new adventure waiting to be had. Staying up late, talking with the moon and stars. Living. That’s the word. I was living. I’d found life again. Purpose.
Then. I did what I do. It just wasn’t right.
Now. Most days aren’t even days. Months melt away. Holidays are rarely registered and less often celebrated. I wake up thinking that I can’t wait til the day is over, and go to bed thinking glad it’s done. And time just flies by.
And. In all honestly. .. I can’t really say which I prefer. .. This giving up.. Is so… empty. But it’s so easy.
Why force something that’ll never be.
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This year.. I barely celebrated Christmas at all. No cookies were made. No parties. No grand celebration. Not even a single decoration. I didn’t go look at the lights. I didn’t get to admire any trees. Christmas time, wasn’t Christmas time at all for me. The weather’s been awful. This whole season’s been drab. I……….. anyway. I will say I missed Christmas. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than someone to celebrate the holidays with. But, as always, it’s never my wishes that come true.
I just don’t see a purpose in life these days. Why get up every day. And do something you don’t love. Why live at all? Why are we forced to continue on in complete sorrow? I mean, if there was an opt out button that didn’t condemn your soul for eternity, yea, I’d take it. I see no reason not to. “Well, why don’t you change your life, make it what you want?’ .. Because the things that I hate about life.. and the things that are missing from my life.. are out of my control. There’s nothing I can personally do to change it. I wasn’t designed to live on this earth. I don’t fit in here. And I’m missing my home. But she’s gone.
The realization that that’ll never change. Has been very hard for me. Some things can’t be replaced. And some things can’t be repaired. Sometimes you just can’t go back. And so, I bide my time. Til the end.
Your Life was my life’s best part.
adarkspot 