Some times, often times, we tell ourselves little white lies. We try so hard to convince ourselves of what we want to believe that sometimes we actually start to. And then it’s just a whole big mess. There are so many ways these things can go. But the right way never seems to be one of those options.
A boy:
I try to convince myself that she still loves me. That one day. We might be together. That she actually doesn’t want me to give up. That she wants me to stay around. That, selfishly, she just wants me to wait around until her life comes to the point that she needs me. And then.. I start to believe that. But once I have that belief.. It just starts to mutate.. Yea. Thats true. She just wants to string me along. Just in case. Just in case her life falls apart and she needs a safe place to land. That isn’t love. That’s her using you. You don’t need that. You deserve better……… Do I really deserve better? Do I deserve anything at all? Maybe I’m meant to be miserable and alone. I’m not a good person. How could I have the audacity to believe I deserve to be happy. I’m not deserving of anything.
A girl:
I’ve made a huge mistake. I’m with the wrong guy. He loves me. But he doesn’t love me the way I want. It’s not the passion I need. But it’s safe. But I should leave. I could be happier. There is more out there. I know it. He’d take me back.. We could go back. It’d be ok…. But what if it’s not okay? What if I leave and he doesn’t want me back? What if I fly home and there’s no one there. What if my twirling long hug kiss at the airport is a fantasy. Safe is better, right? Do I risk safe and sure for more but risky? Does he love me at all? Is it just cause he can’t have me? Once he gets me he won’t want me. It’s cat and mouse. I don’t deserve to be loved the way he loves me. It can’t be real. I can’t be loved like that. I’m not good. I’m worthless. No I’m not.. I’m worth a lot.. I deserve happiness. He hurt me. He’ll do it again… Maybe he won’t… Maybe I should see…. He still loves me… He wants to see me… What fun is that? I need to have to work for it. I’ll just keep him around.. Just in case. He’ll stay for me… He’ll love me. He’ll be there.. Just in case.
A boy:
I can do better. I’m worth more than this. There’ll be someone else. Soulmate smolesmate. I mean. Based on what.. Sure she said it.. I mean.. Yea.. I believe it.. I feel it.. But I’m just being dumb.. I’m just wanting to believe that.. It’s stupid. Soul mate.. What even is that? We’re just people. Marriage is stupid. Who wants to be with someone forever anyway?…. I do? No no.. Wouldn’t you be happier with just bunches of new people all the time? You love new people… New Better people? No no no. No one is better? How do you find someone better than your soul mate? I’ve tried. I’ve listened to you.. And tried. Over and over.. No one is better. Everyone has flaws… And they’re the wrong flaws.. Her flaws are the good ones.. She made you happy….. You remember happiness right?…… I could be happy with someone else.. I mean.. Surely I can find a pretty girl who…. No… No you can’t.. No one will ever understand you.. They’ll just nag you.. And fuck everything up. You know that’s what happens. You can blame yourself. Or blame them. But in the end.. It boils down to the fact that they don’t understand you.. And don’t care to. They want you to fit their mold.. And you don’t….. You fit hers… You shut up with that. She’s gone.. She’s never coming back….. Well then die alone. See if I care.. You do care.. You care. Don’t pretend you don’t care. Video games and netflix won’t last forever… Even your cats hate you. Alright FINE. But let’s look at your option.. Say I win her back.. Which I won’t.. Because she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. She’s happy. I’m just insurance to her… Insurance she hopes she’ll never need. I’m just her little piece of home that she can use when she’s sad… Shut up. You’re getting off topic. Let’s say she decides. Fuck it all. And shows up at your door tonight?… She won’t.. What if she did?…. She doesn’t know where I live?…. Dear lord. Your doing this game wrong… I’m just saying.. Alright. Well she could find that out. So she shows up at yo… No.. How would she find out? That makes no sense.. Just answer the fucking question. I mean, what time we talking here. Cause I gotta raid tonight and the guild might be upset if I left….. Are you Kidding.. No they wouldn’t.. They don’t care either.. – .- I hate you.. Yea.. Well the feeling’s mutual.. Answer the question… I mean.. I think it’d be a lot more romantic if she were there when I got home.. /facepalm. Is anything ever good enough for you?….. Yes.. What’s that.. I’m just saying.. It’d be sweet…. Omg whatever.. Yes. I’d be happy. Okay?….. How long?…… I dont know? Forever?… You sure?… No. I’m never sure.. I’m generally late to work cause I can’t decide what to eat for breakfast…. I spend hours trying to decide what to eat for supper and end up missing it.. It takes me 10 minutes to decide whether to wear pajamas or change to shorts to go to the drive-through at taco bell.. What do mean am I sure? I mean, is there a way to be sure? How do you know? I mean.. I know I love her.. With all my heart.. I know that.. Theres no room for anyone else.. It’s all her.. She’s my person. My one and only. But, you know I’m broken… I don’t trust me. How could I? I don’t know what I’d do.. I’d like to think.. If she were willing… We could make it work? Right? I mean.. Maybe sometimes love isn’t enough. But sometimes it is? Sure we fight and argue. Sure I hate some stuff about her sometimes. But I’ve never not loved her. Not for a second….. Have you told her that?….. Many times.. She knows. She doesn’t care.. Or doesn’t believe me.. It’s all for the best.. I mean.. She’d hate me anyway.. I “don’t support her dreams.” It’s best to just love her from a distance. Wow that sounded stalkerish. But no.. Like.. I can’t hurt her from here. She’s happy.. Enough anyway.. Sure I could make her more happy? But for how long? Sylvester was never meant to catch Tweety. What would he do if he caught him? Coyote doesn’t get Roadrunner. That’s not the point.. The point is the chase……. Are you happy with that? Are you okay with just always chasing? ……. No.. But I’m occupied. It’s easier. If she were to flat out say no.. I’d probably cease to exist.. She has my heart.. If she just threw it away.. There’d be none left.. This way is better for everyone.. She has her safety net.. I have.. Something.. That tiny little flicker in there that let’s me know I’m alive….. I can keep trying to convince myself that my real person will come along someday…. That if she were my person this would never have happened.. But then.. You know. When I think about that.. I think about how ridiculous it is.. I’d have to do something.. And meet people.. In order to meet someone new.. I dunno what to tell you though… I mean.. That New season of Being Human was pretty freakin awesome though, right? Yea.. But the ending sucked.
adarkspot 