This photo relates to nothing I have to say, but this guy landed on my hand while I was typing this.. So I figured I’d share.
Been writing a lot lately.. Clearly haven’t been posting.. I actually bought a journal. You know.. like one of those fancy ones with the leather and the straps and the fountain pen and the secrets… …It’s to the point.. Where.. It just all sounds so pathetic, that I can’t even bear the thought of someone reading to the second line and being like just kill yourself. If you were wondering… I have successfully managed to somehow lose Every friend I had that I could talk to.. Whether to some bullshit such as their husband forbade them to speak to me ever again… or.. I won’t go do drugs with them.. or just.. I’m not enough fun I guess? And not having anyone to talk to can be a very hard thing… And not having the desire or energy to try to find someone you can talk to compounds the problem. I honestly feel like I need to go to a therapist at this point.. But who has the money to pay for that shit? And furthermore, I wouldn’t go anyway, because the inquisition and following speeches I’d receive from my blissfully blind family would be more trouble than any gain.
Last night. I saw one of my friends who just doesn’t seem to have time for me anymore. She ran and jumped into my arms and hugged me. Accidents like this are the only reason I bother to leave my house anymore. It was the happiest 10 minutes I’ve had in a while. Most people will never know what hug can mean until they’ve been in such a position. It’s a point where.. People apologize to you for things.. that have absolutely no relation to them.. Like the way people apologize at funerals. .. There really should be separate expressions for associated and non associated sympathy… and empathy for that matter. … Sorry has come to be a word, which to me, isn’t worth the air that was required to speak it. And yes, I say it all the time. And I mean it.. I just know that it doesn’t convey what I’m trying to express. Which is also why I tend to try to find a better way to express my sympathies… .. Though, I think it’s a bit unrelated altogether, since, sympathy really doesn’t mean much to me in and of itself. I’m don’t look for or want sympathy. .. of course a common misconception when talking to anyone. But if I say, I just want to die, I hate everything. I don’t want the response. “I’m sorry.” I’d much prefer, yea, life sucks, so how about the weather we’ve been having. I want to complain about my problems because it does make me feel better. And I like being distracted. Not apologized to and reminded. Which is why, I assume, I find so much solace in talking to children. They talk and talk about horses and carnivals and siblings and breakfast and never apologize or give you time to be sad. Mainly, they’ll talk about their life. Which is a big thing, I like hearing about other peoples lives. It does help me forget mine. I was going to reference what I wrote last week.. ..yet, upon remembering that I didn’t actually post that, the idea seemed futile.. So Yea, children usually cheer you up… And they’ll always give you a hug.
Blah blah blah, Go out and meet new people.. WHY? So they can leave me, too? Cause that’s exactly what happens. Made a new friend.. (which I wasn’t looking for, I might add. They walked up to me and started talking…. which is probably why we made such good friends. I like audacious and bold people. Especially the ones who would be willing to walk up and talk to me of free will.. .. people who are like.. I’d hang out with you but you never call me.. .. Phones work both way believe it or not. I’m not a villain contacting you about ransom drop off. You can call me.. Friends who NEVER contact you first.. really aren’t very good friends.. So if I text someone or call them first every time and they Never have to urge to contact me first.. I don’t bother. Yea.. for someone with no friends I’m kind of picky. But still. I’m not gonna be your puppet. If you cared. You’d try to talk to me. And sometimes people do.. there are people who message or call me after every break up or when they get really drunk or just when their life starts to suck really bad.. Cause they know I’m always thrilled to listen and give encouragement and such.. It just doesn’t seem to happen very often anymore.. More and more people are actually getting their lives together and such.. … but not me.. Nope.. No worries.. I’ll always be here.. Like a giant lego tower that someone destroyed and no one had the desire to put back together. So, anyone can always count on me to share in their sorrow. I’ll be misery’s company. … so.. uh. back to the friend) .. .. So, yea, made a new friend. It was fantastic. I was happy.. ish. Someone to talk to, blah blah blah. Then. They were gone. Poof. … This case was I suppose a little bit of karmic humor? .. I’m assuming her husband told her she was never allowed to speak to me again.. I know for a fact he’d told her this once before which she ignored. Which.. I’ll admit I’ve dated girls whom I told weren’t “allowed” to talk to their ex’s whom were still in love with them. And when I say “allowed” I mean.. they can do whatever the hell that want, but I wasn’t going to stick around for it. No person can ever but pure 100% platonic friends with someone they’ve slept with.. unless they’re a robot, in which case.. they’re not a person.. But yea, it can’t happen. Cause someone they’re gonna have a feeling or a though in their head. It’s how humans work. Argue all you want. You’re wrong. I mean. Whatever, though, they can be friends with the person if there’s trust and the person respects the relationship… But. A. I’ve never slept with this girl. Nor anything else. So, not remotely the same. B. In my relationships.. we were dating. That’s the shit you figure out Before marriage. If I can’t eventually work out trust. I’m not gonna marry someone.. Meaning.. first off.. I was lied to.. is the reason I told the girl if she continued to talk to him I was leaving. I was given a Reason not to trust. It didn’t just fucking happen out of the blue. .. Multiple lies, mind you. 2nd chances were given. Many numerical chances were given. Lies. And nothing was done to regain my trust. Hence why the relationship didn’t last. There was no trust. But.. the time it lasted was my fault. I tried to make excuses. Say it’d get better. Say love was all that mattered. But it should have just been laid out. Either this has to be fixed and worked on soon. Or I’m out. .. Blame usually falls on both parties in some way or another.. Still though.. I wouldn’t marry someone whom I didn’t trust. If I didn’t believe I could put her alone in a room with Ryan Gosling without something happening.. . No Ring.. I mean.. Yea. Entirely different scenario. .. And it’s taken me a long time to learn this. In the past I’ve stayed in relationships with girls I had no trust for whom repeatedly lied to me. .. Often blaming me for the lies.. Saying I force them to lie.. … Okay. Hold the damn phones… It’s impossible to force someone to lie.. Lying is a choice.. If you choose to do something someone has a problem with. And subsequently lie to them about it. It was all a choice.. However, If you do something wrong. It’s much better to fess up than to lie about it. Yes, maybe you’ll get fussed at or broken up with, or whatever result of the situation. But no one forced anyone to lie ever. .. If way back in a school a teacher said, don’t text in class. And I chose to text in class, because I thought she was being unreasonable. And she subsequently asked me if I were texting.. Guess who would be at fault… Yea. I’m ranting. .. The point of this insane side topic is.. Don’t be with someone who you don’t trust. And that can even extend to trust them to take care of his/herself. If you Know they wouldn’t cheat on you intentionally, but know their ex would given the opportunity.. and they’re not the type of person who’s going to plainly state, “No, don’t fucking touch me, if you can’t respect my new relationship, and maintain a clean friendship then we can’t be friends.” Then that’s an issue, too. Because. Either, A. They don’t really want to say no. or B. They have no spine, and are gonna have trouble their whole life because sometimes you just have to put your foot down. And I’ve been in and seen plenty of situations. A lot of people in your life aren’t gonna respect what you have. So you have to make sure you and yours do, and do whats necessary to keep that. … Which really means that I’ve always been the dumbass that refused to accept those facts. No matter how much you think you love someone, or vice versa, if they are unwilling to get rid of or correct certain impasses, it’s not the love it’s supposed to be. And I’m guilty of it. I’ve very guilty of it. There have been times when I refuse to let something go that I know I should. Because I want to keep it in my life. Likewise though, there’s been times when I’ve offered to let my significant other meet my female friends, and explained every way possible that there’s no reason to worry. And done my best never to give any reason for doubt, and still wasn’t trusted. Trust.. trust is important.. Going back to a few years ago before I started that rant though.. yea. .. Regardless to any feelings I had for this friend. Whether I couldn’t care less if she lived or died, or if I thought she was the love of my life. Clearly there was some issues there which have nothing to do with me. Gotta get that shit worked out.. Then again.. That’s why there’s a lot of divorce. People settle.. and they go into things while they’re still in their baby honeymoon stages..
Don’t ever marry someone while you still feel infatuated with them. There’s a difference. And no I’ve never been married. But, if Dr. Phil and Oprah can say whatever the hell they want then so can I. I don’t make a kabillion dollars a year. But still.. Infatuation is not a good thing for marriage. You have to be comfortable with the person. Wanting to see them often isn’t a bad things. But you have to be okay with just the every day things. If you want constant physical affection.. … That’s not really love at all.. Get past that shit.. Physical passion isn’t a bad thing. But it can’t be your duct tape holding together things that clearly don’t fit. Find what works, And what to you, illustrates a more meaningful type of love. For me, one thing is if I can lay down on their shoulder and go to sleep. Because if I can fall asleep with someone. It means something. If I’m comfortable just being with the person while doing completely separate things. I tend to be a little excessively needy in that aspect often times. Kind of like lost puppy. I just need to be doing whatever they’re doing. But when it get’s past that point. It just starts to feel more right.. Clearly.. Trust.. kind of matters.. For me.. If I willingly let someone cook, or do something for me is a major thing.. … As I go through these things.. I began to think to myself, it sounds like I’m saying to compromise and give up who you are for someone else. Which isn’t what I’m saying. .. Love though.. … I mean.. when it gets to be real love.. There really is no “Me.” It creates more of a selflessness. .. I tend to be selfishly selfless as is… I like doing things for people.. like.. paying, cooking, driving, etc etc.. and I won’t let anyone do any of these things for me.. So when it comes to the point where I allow someone to do that.. It’s a sign for me. It’s when things that seem important begin to feel a little less important.. And you know. Everyone has their own thing. Their own way. … And some people are entirely different. I can say.. From much experience.. That, a person who likes to be more ‘alone’ as a couple, and be together often, and needs a lot of affection, doesn’t pair well with someone who always needs to be with other couples, or show off their relationship, or.. the dreaded.. likes to go out and party and do their own thing.. .. . Which to me I don’t think pairs with anything.. If you want to party and go out and do your own things all the time, Without you significant other.. you have a booty call, not a girlfriend/boyfriend. Don’t do that. And don’t be that for anyone. Going out is fine. And I mean. If there’s 2 of those people who hook up and that’s the life they want. That’s fine too. But it’s a tricky one. One which clearly doesn’t work for me. .. If they have a life I’m Not allowed to be a part of.. No go. Nuh-uh. I ain’t bein’ nobody’s bitch.
All of that being said though.. It’s like a million degrees with 99% humidity right now.. So I’m probably rambling really bad from heat exhaustion. .. And clearly… As I was originally trying to say.. I’ve got a lot of things bouncing around my mind… It’s like rocks in a blender up there. And as you can probably tell.. I’m a little starved for someone to talk to about anything.. as I’ve now been talking to this screen for quite some time. Yea. Anyway. I’ll be back. Sooner or later. Everyone Keep on Keeping on. And if you’ve ever got trouble. If you can’t find anyone else. I’ll always be here for you whoever you are.
adarkspot 