Some days you wake up and think about your life. Just think back over all you’ve done. You look around you. As you survey your room, see your possessions. Your brain begins to rapidly flash through events and important details of your life. Fond memories. Things which it finds important. And then you think to yourself. Holy shit, I fucked up. Or you know. Maybe that’s just me. But being able to pin point terrible decisions I’ve made that just really turned down hill really blows.
For a long time. Especially as a child. … and speaking of.. I mean.. Why the “H-E- double hockey sticks” did I ever want to “grow up”? This eff’in blows man. Childhood was awesome. Free food all the time. No bills. Making forts in the woods with my friends. Making forts in the house when it was raining. Getting up early on Saturday morning to go watch Garfield while my mommy cooked me breakfast. I mean. Honestly the worst decision of my life was deciding to grow up. Cause.. If I would have just decided to stay a kid forever. I think it would all just be alright.
But yea, for a long time, I just kind of always thought that one morning I’d just wake up and be an adult. I’d have all the answers. I’d know what I wanted out of life. Who I wanted. I’d just suddenly know how to pay bills and taxes and how to raise children and I mean.. All that adulty stuff that all adults clearly just woke up knowing one day. Because, well, as a child, adults had all the answers. They didn’t have to try to wing it or guess or work at things. I mean. Everyone is like listen to your elders, listen to your parents, they’re always right. So clearly, when they Promised I could go swimming that afternoon then said that I couldn’t there were cosmic forces at work that they knew about and I didn’t Right? I mean.. Not a chance that everyone say’s that shit because.. well because people just like to be in-control by divine-right instead of being honest… Clearly harboring some resentment on this issue. I mean.. I love my parents and I pretty much always listened to them. But I was the type of child who would have understood the truth a lot more than “just because.” Which is, by-the-way, an entirely outlandish and bullshit cop-out that should be no means ever be the final say in ANYTHING. I mean.. I would have rather just been told the truth about… Santa….. and all those sorts. Because you know. When I figured it out (because I’m smart like that) .. I just felt like I’d been lied to. Which I didn’t like… “They” say when you get old you forgive your parents for everything and realize they were right. Wrong. I’ve realized my parents did what they generally thought was right or best, but that they’re people who had life no more figured out that I or anyone else. They provided for us and tried to give us more than they had growing up. They tried to make us happy and keep us safe and make responsible decisions with foundations in something.. But were they always right? No. So people shouldn’t say that. I believe they always did what they thought was best. Even if they were miserably wrong. I mean. It’s hard for a athlete who likes working on cars and riding dirt bikes to understand why their kid would rather play video games and build computers and read in their spare time in high school. I think my father was very much a product of his raising and therefore is just fundamentally incapable of understanding me entirely. Not really a complaint, as it may sound, more so just stating a fact. Adults don’t know everything. They don’t have it all figured out. And now that I’m an “Adult,” or so they keep trying to tell me.. I’m in the same boat.
I definitely don’t have it figured out. And so far. I’m not doing so well either. I’ve made a Ton of mistakes. “They” also say that the biggest mistake is not learning from one. Which is a lie. Cause I mean. Well for example. As a child.. I thought if I jumped off the top of the slide with handfuls of magnolia leaves and flapped my arms Really hard, I’d be able to fly. Atleast a little bit. Yea. That was a mistake. But I did learn from it. Clearly I couldn’t fly. But.. Parachutes.. that’s a different thing. So back up the slide with a grocery bag I went.. and back on the ground with a hurt tail bone I landed. I suppose in that case it’s fairly true.. Although.. The hurt made the mistake of trying feel pretty bad. But. If I were, per say, older and less intelligent. And my first attempt at flying were off of a sky scrapper with some leaves. Well. That’d be a worse mistake cause. I’d be left with no chance of learning anything. Some mistakes are so stupid that they just shouldn’t have to be made, hence the Darwin Awards. I know it’s a terrible analogy but. You see. The real example I guess I should give is. Like I’ve talked about before with my altruistic approach to friendship and disappearing when I felt it better for them. Well. Though I can’t say they’d be better off if I hadn’t left. I can say I’d be. And. It doesn’t matter what I’ve learned from it. No amount of knowledge gained will Ever outweigh the mistakes I made. Because it’s just not the type of thing there’s a do-over for.
Still though, I blame the universe entirely. If I had woken up one day with all of the knowledge I need I wouldn’t make these mistakes and screw so much up. I’ll admit it is very important to learn from your mistakes. But, it’s just another one of those things. It’d be so much better to be able to learn everything without having to make mistakes first. I don’t need to know a thousand ways how not to make a light bulb. I’m really much more about the one way to make it all work.