Campfires. A flickering firelight. Six years estranged. Of no relation but somehow connected. And now with all the more depth of meaning. A time long ago. There was another. In literal terms. The Campfire Story. Feelings so strong. Face in my hand. A flickering firelight. A missed opportunity. A last chance forever. Regret.
It was well into the night. Her and I left alone by the campfire as others dispersed. One by one trailing away. Just the two of us. Talking and carrying on. We were good friends to say the least. And I of course, had always hoped for more. She ends up with soot on her face. The details leading are all hazy now. But, As clearly as the life before my eyes I remember what happened then. Her face, held gently in my outstretched hand, whilst I wiped away the ash with my other. That flickering firelight. Dancing across her face. Reflecting from her eyes into mine. A scene from a movie. Or from a life that wasn’t mine. And in this other life. I’d have taken what I felt inside. I’d have pulled her face to mine and kissed her. I’d have let my lips transfer to hers the feelings which words would never quite convey. However. I instead released her face. Letting her slip back away from me. Ignoring the longing which her eyes returned. Ignoring the slight let down when I let her go. When I elected to again be a mouse and not a man. In sharing my feelings with her later on the same night after parting ways. The words which Haunted me for so long. You should have. From there. I’d always hoped that I’d be stronger. Be better. Never let chances slip past me again.
… And here we are now. Far down the line. Different girl. Feelings. Oh so strong. My very own campfire. The one who is there for me. The one who brings warmth to my heart. My light. My refuge. My shelter from the storm. My strength. My .. Home.. So much more than she’ll ever know. It feels so strange to say. About a girl who is only my friend. It is what it is. There are just people in life. Who you connect with. With whom you know, you were, in some way, meant to be a part of each other’s life. For me. She is definitely one of those souls. And though. I am so in love with her. I’d be content the rest of my life just knowing she were a part of it. And of course, She knows all of this and is so amazing about everything. Amazing in general. To date, and with all I know, she is, for me, the most perfect girl I have ever met. … I could go on forever about this. But maybe another time. Long ago. I said. That it’s ‘funny’ how. My Non-Date with her. Was the best Date I’d ever been on. And it still holds true. She is better to me than any girlfriend I’ve ever had. She is all that I know I want and more. (I paused right here.. To go back and read through my post about girls. And the little things from each relationship that I took away as something I want / enjoy. And I found it almost comical how every single one applies.) Little things. And I Adore spending time with her.. She reads to me. I love her hair.. She’s breath-takingly gorgeous. Sometimes, I can just look at her and literally forget to breath. No make up and messy hair and she’s still so beautiful. Eating breakfast. Her in my t-shirt. Hair all over the place. She thinks she’s gross. All that crosses my mind is that there’s no where in the world I’d rather be. .. The fact that when I’m with her.. There’s just nothing wrong in the world. I know it will all be okay. … In addition. I love her family, and that may literally be a first ever for me… The way that she is challenges the way I am, in every way that I need it to. And everyone loves this girl. Everyone. Anyone who doesn’t is simply jealous. There’s no way around it. And typically. It’d bother me so much more than anything ever. But.. .. Actually.. I’ll cover this another time.. It’s too complex and I’m already derailed here. … Everything she does. Everything she says. Is just right. She always knows how to make any situation better for me. And.. it’s, again, ‘funny’ how.. I’ve tried so hard to get past it. To not feel the way I feel. To just be friends. To even find somebody else. Nobody holds up. A candle will never outshine a bonfire.
… The point of all this being. Is that there’s been no campfire with this girl. But, when I look in her eyes, there might as well be. Everything I feel so strongly.. I would give absolutely anything to be able to kiss her.. Close my eyes. Run my hands up her cheeks, fingers running into her hair, move my face to hers…. and from here.. even just thinking it through in my head my heart skips a beat.. ..I’d give anything just to know that she would kiss me back. To know it would be okay. To know that for once in my life my love would be enough. To, for once, break free from my unrequited state of living. But instead, I know that it wouldn’t be. I know that it isn’t like that for her. And I know the reasons why. And I know it isn’t me so much. But just the way things are. And I know it’s not her fault. I do not blame her for the way life is. I only with that for once things would … be different. The again. I’m sure it’s all for the best. Because well, the best laid plans of mice and men as they say.. Just because it’s what I want doesn’t mean it’s what’d be best for anyone in the long run. And to be absolutely honest. I’d rather her be happy than anything. I care far more for her feelings than my own. And my fear of losing her far outweighs my desires. And that’s why I can’t act on this. Because the thought of not having her.. .. I can’t even.. .. So instead… things remain the same.. My eyes stay so lost in hers. Sometimes being tricked into believing my feelings are being returned. But it’s all wishful thinking… Maybe one day.. Maybe. One day.
I just don’t want there to be any regret in this.
adarkspot 