So I started talking to this girl.. And I’m really excited about it. I mean.. I’m not trying to jump the gun. I Just started talking to her. Haven’t even met her.. But.. She may have what it takes to stick around. Sassy. Forceful enough. Knows what she wants.. Fun to talk to. One of a very select number of people in the past half decade that I’ve been able to actually spend an entire day texting. I mean, I feel like an idiot most of the time. I’m a terrible texter. And I feel like I have nothing worthwhile to say 99% of the time. But. She seems like a ton of fun. She actually shows some interest in me despite my incoherent babbling. And we have a good bit in common. I mean. Maybe we can at least keep each other company for a while..
The main issue, though, is.. She was… Kind of paired with me via my best friend.. Which.. for Most people wouldn’t be a problem… But.. My friend, while trying to be a good person here.. Is often a self-righteous, self-centered douche hole.. And I can just see him down the road saying he Knew her first.. (While he doesn’t realize this is a total dickshit party foul, that is complete turdcity. It happens because he often feels the need to win, even when nobody is competing.) He’s never met a girl that he hasn’t flirted with.. But.. It’s not like.. Playful flirtatious flirt.. It’s like intimate.. We have a friend that flirts with everyone. But it’s obvious and ridiculous.. It’s clear that he’s just a flirtatious guy that means nothing by it. No, it’s not like that. My best friend acts like it’s intimate and serious and like that girl is the most special girl in the world.. Which is.. Bullshit. (I don’t think he knows the difference.)
“He said I have nice eyes”.. Well of fucking course he did. How dare he let me talk to a girl whom he hasn’t spent the better part of a decade flirting with. I fear that the reason I got her number is because he doesn’t think she’s good enough for him, so He figured he’d pass her off to me. Because I often feel that that is the thinks, even though he’d throw the biggest fucking hissy fit ever if I said that to him. .. When she told me that. I was so close to just saying fuck it and driving into a tree.
And I know he’s not malicious in any way. And he doesn’t mean harm being flirtatious. I don’t think he realizes the way it comes off. Nobodies ever told him that it makes him look like a little bit of a player. And, people have, in-fact, told me that.
I know it shouldn’t bother me.. But due to both a history of girlfriends running away with best friends and this particular friend being a selfish fuckass with girls.. I don’t trust the situation….
For example. Once I invited a girl to go to theme park, during Halloween. I liked her a little. I knew she didn’t like me. That was fine. I was still going to have fun spending the evening with her. So it was her and I, as well as my best friend and one other girl (my best friend’s ex whom is “like a sister to [him]”) . Well, he spent the entire evening jumping in front of me to ride beside her and go through haunted houses with her. And when I said something to him about it, his response was, Bro she doesn’t even like you like that. As if that was in any way relevant. She didn’t like him either and she was having a fine and fucking dandy time with me. I was the one whom invited her and whom she agreed to go with, after all. Yet, still, to this day, he cannot see why that upsets me.
Ignoring millions of countless other examples. We actually started calling Dibs on girls. Which, while fun and light-hearted, was a serious thing, because of the dynamic we had over it.
Well, fast forward. He has a friend whom he’s known since high school. He’s talking with her as normal, etc. I get her number from him just to mess with her. Well we actually start talking, and out of the blue he’s suddenly mad crazy in love with her. He’s now in all out competition. He starts texting her all day every day and saying he likes her and such. In the spirit of Not wanting to fight over it, I say to hell with it and quit talking to her. A week later. He’s magically done with her as well.
Fast forward to a couple months ago. (We skipped a huge chunk of time, because he didn’t talk to me for 2 years while he had a girlfriend. Bitchface. -.-) So. He now works at a restaurant where, you guessed it, he flirts with every girl that works there. I know which ones he actually has any interest in, because being his friend I listen when he talks and he talks about these things. So, one night I’m eating there and meet a girl who works there. She’s really cute, seems fun. 10 seconds after meeting her. I turn to him and say Dibs for the first time in a LONG time. He says that’s fine he doesn’t care, blah blah blah. Funny story. We’re all hanging out one night (a bunch of people from his work, with whom I’ve become friends) and He ASKED HER OUT ON A DATE. Yep. Yeppedy fucking Yep. That happened. I told him I would punch his fucking face in half if he went on a date with her but he kept up his bullshit. Once again, Not feeling like fighting over a girl, I said to hell with it. Told him he could have her. Another funny story. He never went on a date with her. And has 0 fucking interest in her now. What a co-inky-dink.
The straw that really fractured the proverbial camel’s back is when, for my birthday, I wanted to go out and do something fun. Well, half joking, I said we should go to this local bar/ club which is known to be frequented predominately by homosexuals. Which also means, if you know anything about today’s world, that’s where single girls go to hang out. When he flat out blatantly said he would Never, ever go with me it just broke my heart to pieces. First, he’s the one that pretends to be such a great person and that I’m racist, homophobic, etc etc etc, but he’s the one refusing to go to a club where gay men might be? Yea.. This is happening. For my Birthday. My best friend. Whom I’d take a bullet for. Whom I’d support no matter what. If he told me he wanted me to take him to a gay strip club so he could dance, I’d do it. I’d do anything for him. And he just straight says no to me about this.
I still love him more than anything. I’m just … I feel so heart broken.
I’ve said more than enough about it, I’m sorry, it just really hurts. He once asked me to tell him who he was, to describe him. And I never gave him the answer. Mainly because I knew it would hurt him to hear what I have to say, and that most like he’d get really defensive and say a bunch of stupid shit to me.
He’s a very kind, sweet hearted, and loving individual. He loves animals. He tries his best to be the best friend he can be, but doesn’t realize a lot of the hurtful things he does. Maybe, because I’m overly sensitive sometimes and the rest of his guy friends are all just dudes. And you know dudes. Just.. dude.. wanna walk on some dirt and stare at nature and shit and pretend feelings don’t exist? One on one he has a way of making you feel safe and cared for. Like, even though he’s a scrawny little fucker, somehow he’ll take care of you. He always offers to cook for me, cause I’m a fat ass, so he knows I love eating. And he generally cooks healthy shit. So that maybe I won’t be such a fat ass. And if you ever just get really honest with him he’s usually very understanding. I could go on and on forever saying good things. He was just raised by complete fucking idiots. The poor child never had a chance in the world. I let him live with me for years. While I still lived with my parents, I gave up my privacy and my personal space. I talked my parents into letting him live with us. And he never once said thank you for it. Like he feels he needs to have pride. Like humility is for the weak. He tries so hard to crawl out of the hole that he thinks he’s in. Resentful. As if he has this handicap and we all pity him. He metaphorically lashes back with “I don’t need your help. I can do it myself!” As if he doesn’t realize we all need help. Like there’s anything wrong with needed help. Like he doesn’t see that people like him for who he is. He doesn’t need to be strong and proud and have a good job and overcome all the obstacles of life. He wanted to be a teacher so badly, which I really believe was just because it was a respectable job. Like he needs some kind of empirical data to trophy around to show how he’s better than his family. He constantly says he’s the first in his family to graduate high school, college, etc. I think deep down he’s just a scared little boy still. Trying to prove to himself and to the world so hard that he doesn’t see that we love him no matter what he accomplishes. That he’s better than his family because of his heart, not what he achieves. And that we, those of us who love him, are his family. Biology isn’t the deciding factor. And I would love to sit him down and explain it all. But I just don’t think he’d pay well enough attention to get my message. I think, like most of us, all he’d hear is the bad. And He’s been through so much, I don’t want to hurt him. I’ve actually tried to be a father to him. To teach him, and help him. He was such a naive little thing when we first met. Once, he bought a copy of the Bhagavad Gita from a random guy while we were at a concert. Having no idea what it was, nor whom the guy was and why he looked so homely. He just thought he was helping out a guy in need and getting a pretty book in the process. It was quite adorable. But yea, as I’ve said a thousand times. I’m far from perfect. But, I don’t feel like I need to prove anything to anyone. I’m self reliant in that. And that’s something he’s always really needed. For me. Honesty is what gets in my way with a lot of things. Maybe with this girl. Maybe with him. Maybe with everything.
I feel like a big part of our issue is that I’ve never sat down and told him how I really felt about any of this. I’m such a sarcastic person that he might not realize that he hurts me. Often times, as men, we’re extremely stupid and don’t say what we actually mean, not to each other anyway. I don’t think he has any idea how much I need him. How I’d literally be just lost in life without him. That him and my little brother are the only 2 people that get me by. That without them…. I would literally have no reason to live..
So, I guess what I just really need to say to him.
I love you, bro. No matter what. I know we fight sometimes. That’s what brothers do. And I understand the competition. That’s what brothers do. But, sometimes, I’d just like you to see my side. I feel like sometimes you hang out with stupid superficial people, and forget that some of us have real feelings that your actions can have great impact on. Sometimes, I don’t want a competitor. I’m lonely. And I can have severe jealous issues. I can be quite bitter. So, when I find a girl I can actually talk to. It’d be really nice if you’d just give me a chance. I don’t want to compete with you. Let’s just say at this point you’d probably win. I’m so beaten down and battered that I have nothing left to fight with. I have no big guns left in my arsenal. I’m just looking for my little cabin in the woods to come home to. And I just want you to realize that every time you talk to a girl I’m trying to talk to, you burn that down. I get that much more bitter. That much more hurt. And that much further from Ever having a chance to have a relationship. Girls don’t want a bitter, sad, doom and gloom guy. And that’s all I am at this point.
You’ve got nothing to prove to anyone. Nobody compares you to your family. We’re you family. And we will always be here for you. If you want to be a teacher, then be a teacher. If you want to work in a restaurant, then do that. Fuck what anybody thinks about your job title. You do what’s gonna make you the most happy. And please, keep in mind that money can play a large role in happiness.
If you wanna date a fucking crazy balls, nymphomaniac, then I got your back, bro. If you just wanna get some pickle tickle and kick it to the curb, I got your back, bro. (And if you do it with her it’ll be a good thing cause that bitch is cray cray.) If you want to get back with your seemingly bland ass, accusatory ex, then do that, I got your back, bro. If you wanna date the awesome, jump-to-conclusiony 17 year old, Then do that. I got your back. Bro. (She’s legal.. If you wanna go younger than that.. I don’t really got your back.. Shit makes me and accomplish and I ain’t about being nobodies bitch in prison.)
I know that I’m secrety. You gotta understand that shit I’ve been through. Just like I understand what you’ve been through. One of that major issues we have. Is that you view me as a dude. Psychologically speaking you should definitely see me as a friendly girl. Because I’m so far off the dude wavelength it ain’t even funny. I’m here. I won’t judge. I’ll listen to your problems. You can tell me anything. It’s hurtful when you don’t.
I know there’s a lot more to say. But. I feel like we probably should just talk about it sometimes.
So. You ask me to tell you what you are.
You’re my best friend. That’s what.
And if you were burning alive from invisible fire while running around in public wearing nothing but your tighty whities. I’d totally save you.
OH MY GOD. PLEASE DON’T LET THE INVISIBLE FIRE HURT MY FRIEND.
I love you, man.
Shake and Bake. No. Not anymore. Never again. Now it’s Magic Man. And El Diablo. (You Can be whichever one you want.)
Also. Now that I think about it. That entire movie basically describes our friendship. …. I want the hot redhead.
adarkspot 