First off. I’d like to interrupt this post that I haven’t even started yet to say. Dear Windows 8. Go straight back to Hell from whence you came and stop crashing my computer every time it goes to sleep. Pretty please with sugar on top. Thanks.
Thanks Java. For interrupting while I was trying to be pissed at windows. I”m sorry that I almost forgot I hate you as well.
Alright. So Just got out of the shower. Total diva right now. I have a towel on my head. and a towel wrapped around my boobs that reaches the floor. Because I can. Don’t be so freaking jealous of my big towel.. Life’s not fair. I’m sure your life is better than mine in most every other way so just deal. Alright. So, yea, the reason that was important. I was totally gonna write this entire post while air drying. But thanks to marvels of Windows 8 it instead took 30 freakin minutes to get my computer up to this point.. so.. I’mma be right back..
… Totally lied. I didn’t even feel like getting up. I’ll just live in these towels. Whatever. Also. My cats are just gonna have to deal with that fact that I’m totes busy with very important things right now and they just gonna have to wait a minute to get they kibbles and bits. Or whatever you call that astronaut cat food. So here goes.
Thomas Wolfe wrote, and later The Moody Blues sang, You can never go home again. And that’s just where I’m at in life. I’m lost in the wilderness. Doing my 40 years of wandering and waiting for the promised land that I fear may never come. I find the statement to be all too true, and it’s the saddest feeling I’ve ever felt. There’s just no home anymore. My home is gone. She left. And she moved on. And, It was all my fault. I let her go. I watched her leave. I can make all the excuses in the world about how I needed time. But truth is. I should have just gotten over it and reached out my hand. As Lance stated in the great American classic, Dodgeball, “Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn’t have anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. I’m sure this decision won’t haunt you forever.” And ya know.. Maybe it won’t actually haunt me forever. I mean. roughly 4 billion girls on the planet now.. Surely I’m allowed to have more than one soul mate right…? ……right?
Sometimes. You just want to sneak out the back door. Pretend you were never here.. Or maybe that’s just me. But.. yea.. It’s a common theme in my life. I often wish life had a back door. I could just sneak out without anyone ever realizing I was here or gone.
Okay then. Lets try to go a different direction here. Because. I’m gonna just get.. whatever again. I totally just broke off a toenail, and I”m not particularly happy about that.
Here’s whats gonna happen instead. I’m gonna tell you about my day. And maybe somewhere along the line I’ll remember what it was that actually prompted me to write anything down.
Alarm goes off. One of those awful screechy beeping alarms. You know, the kind non-morning-people use because if it’s music they’d just lay back down and go back to sleep. Who are we kidding though. The radio doesn’t actually play music so no danger there. Am I right. Bum, dum, tiss. Alright, alright I’ll stick to my day job. Where were we? OH, right right, Alarm making god awful screeching death sounds that make you wanna punch your own mother in the face. Slapped that. Phone alarm starts going on. Legend of Zelda theme. Pfft. Too peaceful. I’mma lay here. 5 minutes later. Death Screeches. Jack Sparrow’s Theme. Legend of Zelda. LEAVE ME ALONE WHY DO YOU DO THIS ON MONDAY!.. Actually I said. “….urrrhh” .. Laid a few more minutes. Same Trio. FINE YOU WIN. I’LL GO TO WORK AND BE PRODUCTIVE YOU PRICKS I HATE YOU. Brushing my teeth. Jack Sparrow’s Theme. -.- You’re kidding me with this right? Also. Why do I EVER pick songs I actually like to be alarms? I just end up hating them. Because they become associated with something I hate. Alarms. And waking up. And Alarms. …
Quick Side story. Used to have an alarm clock for when I had to take her home back in the day. Because. Well, one of those things I’ve always wanted was just someone to sleep with. Cause. I’m a big cuddly teddy bear. (or atleast that’s what they tell me.. Stupid.. I’m clearly a real bear.. with Chainsaws and AK-47s and teeth and scary and stuff.) Had this alarm though. Which was. Lonely Island ft. Seth Rogen’s Like A Boss. Because it was loud, and abrasive, and you couldn’t help but be up. Oh yea, rewind, I needed an alarm because of the fact that we led such cool and exciting lives that we generally fell asleep every night before time to take her home. She had a curfew.. Awwwww. How cute. She was just a little baby. Wait. No.. She was a grown woman… >.> I.. Don’t like children. This was a long time ago. I was young, too, okay. Stop judging me. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Mercy, we’re still only at about 7:30. This is moving slow. Oh, right, point was. She hated the song so bad because it signaled me waking her up to take her home. And she was always a cry baby about that. Such is life I supposed. So. Yea. Same… idea? I guess.. I have no idea why this was currently important. Sorry.
Still Brushing my teefies. Cause.. I over brush like a mad man. Alarm goes off.. Wait.. Said that. Um.. At some point I finished brushing my teeth. It happened.
Put on clothes. Yep I do it. Found my entire attire ….. that was weird to say. Entire Attire. Entire Attire. .. AHum. I found my whole outfit. Which isn’t an outfit at all. It was the first work clothes that I found. Which are generally in the dryer cause that’s where I leave them because I live alone and I do what I want. ThugLife. Put on my pants. 1 leg at a time. Because that’s the way we all do it. Unless you’re some weird ass who just wants to be special. … Newsflash. You’re still not. Sorry.
Fed myself. 2 sausage biscuits. Cup of OJ. Yep. Plastic cup. Because.. I don’t like the way glass tastes in the morning. Leave me alone it’s my life.
Grab my Monster Coffee out of the old fridgiepoo. My fridge is Freakin ball’s awesome Bee Tee Dubs. If you didn’t know. It’s another thing you should be totes jells about.. because I got it way freakin cheap. and.. Yea. QQ.
Got the coffee. Grabs some 1.5L bottle waters. (Cause it’s hot as hell balls outside and I basically work.. outside) Grab other crap I need for work. Charlie Brown Theme starts bee boopin out my phone. Which is my signal for Leave for work right now If you want to semi guarantee that you’re on time because people in this town can’t drive for shit and the 6 mile trip from your house to work often takes 30 minutes and you now have 15. Good Luck and may the odds be ever in your .. uh.. Anyway. Leave for work. Drive my jeep. Cause I can.. I’m torn on what to name her still.. Because.. Well. yea. I dunno. But I really like Charlie.. or Juliett. Charlie because it’s C in the Nato phonetic alphabet.. And.. Juliett because it’s J…. for Jeep.. .. also Echo.. Because it’s an awesome name and Jeep has 2 Es.. Papa is absolutely out of the question.. C.. Doesn’t have much to do with anything.. other than.. I associate Jeeps with the army. And I started, Alfa, Bravo, Charlie.. And well.. Charlie is one of my favorite girl names, actually. And so yea. Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, (Uniform, Charlie, Kilo…) Golf, Hotel, India, Juliett.. HEEEEY. Jeep starts with a J and Juliet is a girls name.. .. kilo-lima-mike-november-oscar-papa-quebec-romeo-sierra-tango-uniform-victor-whiskey-xray-yankee-zulu. Tahdah. And now you know. My back is killing me from sitting like this.. It’s 10:44 pm and I just drank a Rockstar. ThugLife.
Got to work. Opened and stuff. Did work things. Between and after finishing my works I would text. Cause.. I can. About things I really shouldn’t to people I really shouldn’t but you know. To Err is human.. Got upset about things. Mainly just got stressed about things. Cause that’s what I do. I like to stress. That’s a complete lie. I don’t like to. But I do anyway. You know, there’s just some things in life you don’t get over.. And that’s where all this started so you can go back and read that Pre-energy drink nonsense if you can decipher it.
5:00 P.m ish.
Get off work. Drive home. Upset about life. 5:00 pm tends to be the absolute worst time of my day. It’s stupid. And I hate everything. Anyway. One thing piled on another. Pissed about failing to be able to talk to anyone. This girl was talking to me.. I didn’t have extremely high hopes because I never do at this point. But she’s completely quit talking to me now despite all my actual best efforts. So. Cover the kids ears. FUCK IT. I don’t care. So. I did what reasonable people do. And Decided I’d go run until I wasn’t angry anymore.
This plan. Never works. I over exert myself when I’m upset. and Tend to hurt myself. I mean.. Not that I did that today. I only ran 15 miles.. and It’s.. the first time I’ve run in over a month. Balls of my feet raw cause I didn’t even tie my shoes right before I started. My emotions lead me to be unintelligent in case no one has figured that out. So, I go run. I’m on the track at the park. Running in giant weird circles through the woods. Just me and the old women. .. I had to go to the park.. Because. Yea. I get so sick of everyone I know being like. I saw you running in town. ………. And? Did I look like I was there to be seen? No. I hate you. I’m fat. Leave me alone. Don’t remind me. So. Old Ladies. Park. Weird circles. Suddenly there’s this kid on a bicycle riding around the fucking walking path.. Really with this bullshit? It took all I had to not clothesline him. For real. Turns out.. He’s apparently this kid that LOVES my little brother etc etc.. You know.. Big town of like 7 people here.. Hard to run into people that you don’t know somehow.. Still shoulda clotheslined him…
Entirely unrelated to that incident I was thinking and stuff while walking. And Decided. Maybe I should just give up on the life I’ve lived the past 25 years and just go for sex. I mean, it seems to be the thing to do. Everybody’s doing it.. That’s right. I’ll totally just bandwagon myself. Merciful Lord above my back hurts. I gotta move. … I need to go move my clothes from the washer to the dryer. BRB. .. K back. On the reals though. Maybe I need to wash clothes more often.. The past 3 times I’ve taken clothes out of the dryer. Which I hate doing, but sometimes I gotta do like a 2nd load before I’m finished rewearing the first… Which makes no sense at all, I don’t know how that wouldn’t line up perfectly.. But, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted… by myself… the past 3 times I’ve taken clothes out of the dryer, twenty something dollars has fallen out.. I have no idea where it’s coming from. Maybe it’s payment from the goblins for stealing half of all my pairs of socks? ….. Wasn’t I talking about sex? How did we get to washing clothes? … Oh, I got it.
So. Maybe I should make a dating profile that reads.
“So, I’ve really been looking for my forever, but since that’s not working out, and I fear that I’ve already lost her anyway, Anybody wanna grab a box of dong bags and knock boots?”
Yea. I think that’s a keeper. Lemme go update a profile real quick. … Isn’t that what Tinder is for?
But for reals. What I came up with that I want. And this want lasted like 10 minutes while I was still angry and dehydrated and now sounds terrifying and scary. So. Like.. A relationship that isn’t a relationship. A social contract. Just a Business Sex Relationship. 2 clean, consenting adults. Get tested for things. You know. Don’t want any gifts you can’t return. Share results. Call/Text. Doesn’t really matter what it says. Cause it means sex. Come over. Be undressing as you cross the yard. Atleast half naked by the time I open the door. Finish nakeding as I pick you up entering said door. Sex. Doorway. Couch. Chair. Floor. Kitchen counter. Wall. Bed. Closet. Sex. In the shower. Back out of the shower. Sex. “Thanks for the work out. I”ll see you next time.” Wave as the door closes. No driving each other home. No walking anyone to the car or to the door. No Chit chat and life stories. No Whatever. Just the sex. Good Ole Fashion Sex. Well not old fashion. You can be adventurous.. You get the point. Also, prior to this. You sign a commitment to each other stating that if you have any sexual activity with a third party, the uninvolved party is to be notified prior to future sexual engagement between the two original parties. It sounds like a legal document cause it is. Business sex. It’ll be a thing. Just wait. I got this. Not so that no one gets “hurt.” It’s so that no one gets the Herp. Also, I feel like the issues of protection and pregnancy should be addressed ahead of time. No surprises. Just sex. It’s a motto.
And .. well that was my idea. Now.. After hearing it out. I’m re-interested.. See. I’ve never been really big into sex.. Li… Also. Everybody hold the fuck up. Cause if 50 shades of gray crosses anyone’s mind you’re a dumb cunt. Stop bastardizing my idea. Because it’s in no way the say. Those books are filth and you’re less of a human being for reading them. Absolutely Not sorry. .. so. I’ve never really been into sex. I’ve mostly avoided it my whole life. I dunno. It’s just been a thing.. Well I mean.. There are reasons. But, we’ve all got our baggage. So, I feel like this situation would be really good for me. And then comes the tough part.. I will NEVER ever find the 2nd party in this situation. Not saying that they don’t exist. Just saying that I have no idea how to go about finding such a person. And Craigslist is not the answer. Don’t even play.
The reason this thought even crossed my mind though. Well, I mean on top of the fact that I haven’t been able to even think about having a real relationship since.. … … well.. So.. I was watching a movie the other day. And, there was a young married couple. And okay.. If I take the time to explain the whole movie. It’s gonna be stupid and still not make sense.. anyway. They were just lounging around the house.. Dancing in their underwear and were clearly way into each other. And I just felt like I really wanted that.. Like I’ve never been comfortable with my own sexuality and I just really want to be. And I want someone who can be that with me. Not make me feel like such an undesirable alien all the fucking time.
Note to self. Update dating profile.
I’d love to find a new soul mate, but anyone willing to fuck me and make me feel slightly less like totally undesired garbage may apply.
Preferably don’t be deathly allergic to cats. I’m running out of places to hide bodies. .. .HaHa. JK. Lol… (insert random emoticon)
…. That’d work out for me right? About as much as a real one, atleast.. I mean.. Less than Zero doesn’t exist in real numerical quantities.
I realize I’m no longer at the track at all. As I was texting and listening to music, I look up and I’m walking past her Mother’s house…. I scurry on past… Somehow afraid of even being near it.. No clue how I got there in the first place. Drugs. It was probably the drugs.. Oh wait. I don’t do drugs because I’m boring. At this point I decide it’s a good time to try to head back home. A little over 3 hours of walking / jogging / running / sprinting / trying to utterly destroy my body is about enough for one day. I thought I was completely fine. Until I tried to stop moving at which point I almost collapsed. I ate some pickles. Cause I love pickles. (And they’re supposed to be like anti-cramp?) Some Ice Cream cause I was hot. And I’m fat.. And clearly that’s how you get skinny. While doing this.. I picked up a lid liner and put in my mouth.. I have a small habit about chewing on things..Well. This was the same exact size as the lid liner to a peanut jar.. However, This one came out of a gel air freshener.. Yep. It did not taste good. Not even a little bit. I immediately started rubbing random things on my tongue to try to make it stop. I ended up squirting toothpaste into my mouth to chew on.. .. My mouth currently still tastes bad if you were wandering.
At some point while trying to cool off so I could get in the shower, I decided I’d read through the latest work my favorite charity has done. And it always makes me feel better. I mean. I talk about the cars and such. But. If I were rich.. Definitely If I won the lottery. I’d give atleast half of all the money I received to charities and helping people. Not these “charitable foundations” and bullshit. No offense to Susan or the original good intent, but the Komen foundation can go straight to fucking hell. Telling people that they’re using money for cancer research. People whom have had love ones go through battles with cancer. When they’re actually doing bullshit like SUPPORTING ABORTION CLINICS. Yea. Oh.. You spent 15% of the money on cancer research? That’s fucking nice. Cause 100% of it was donated for that purpose. Fuck that shit. … I’m sorry.. I take that bullshit very personally. I hope they all get what they deserve. But yea. I love helping people. And making peoples lives better. And To be honest. When I buy a lottery ticket and think about winning. What I’d do with the money. Yea. The cars are a nice dream. but that’s maybe 5%. I mean depending on what I won I probably wouldn’t buy but 1-2 cars and a house. The first thing I’d do after that would be head straight to the head office of my favorite charity and let them know that they’re funded and can start doing a whole lot more. They’re such wonderful people. And it breaks everyone’s heart when you have to go through and read cases for charity and decide who gets help and who doesn’t like this is triage. The reason I want to win a $600 million lottery. Is so that we can take away the triage for a while. And just help people that need help. People always say you know you can give time and etc etc… Yea. I’m aware of how life works. I’d rather give financially than of my time. I’ve never been big on giving my time. I have to actually use a lot of it for you know.. Making that money. And then. Taking time for myself. .. I don’t need to be told how to be charitable. If I work for a day and donate the money to someone they’d be better off than if I helped them for 8 hours. That’s just how life is. But yea. That’s really what I’d do. I often sit around and fantasize .. When I’m not daydreaming of her, or my cars, about all the things I could do if I won. My Grandparents wouldn’t have to worry. My Nana wouldn’t have to wash people’s clothes or whatever weird things she does for old people to make money. I mean.. She may do it anyway just because she’s always been the loving, caring, giving type. She’s always been a real role model to me. But, they wouldn’t have to worry about money. Parents. Brothers. Some friends. Not even “charity” but just.. Showing up with someones dream car, even if it is something stupid like a Nissan Altima or something.. or just leaving it parked in their front yard with a key and a note. Buying things for complete strangers. For my old boss who has, by herself, raised a wonderful daughter, put her through school, and college. Just.. so many lives I could change. I dunno. It’s something that I like to think about sometimes.
And no. Not because it’s humbling. I once read. “Don’t listen when people say you shouldn’t be upset because some people have it so much worse than you. That’s like telling someone they shouldn’t be happy because some people have it so much better.” .. And I just really enjoyed that. Because we all have our own things. Yea. Some people have it worse. Some people have it better. But you know. We have our own lives. Our own problems. Our own ups and downs. Don’t ever let anyone belittle your situation by comparing it to someone else. Never compare yourself to anyone but yourself.
And that sounds like enough of a moral to call it quits. I have no idea what I’m even supposed to be talking about anymore. I forgot to eat supper.
Good Night. And Thanks for listening. I love you, whoever you are. You’re a beautiful soul.