Disclaimer. This turned into a straight rant. And. I got upset. And I said Words that are not particularly “kosher” . Do not read on if you’re easily offended. (or perhaps even not so easily offended.)
So. I was gonna go back today. Edit and post some of the things I’ve written since I’ve been away. But. Then I got side tracked by things. Watching movies. Thinking about things. You know, the usual suspects. And then I decided I didn’t feel like doing that.
Today I feel.. Like I’ve done my whole life wrong. Like. I’ve just made a huge mistake, and that if I could go back to seventh grade and see myself. Tell myself everything I know now. I’d tell myself to be a greedy corporate asshole. I always thought I had life figured out. I felt like I was ahead of the curve when everyone else was working hard blowing all their free time trying to get ahead in life. I was the one who “took time to smell the roses.” I took the advice of the old. You can’t take it with you, they always say. I once read a work of graffiti that really struck home with me. It read: Some people are so poor, All they have is money.
Well that was never me. Love. Love and beauty were always my goals. I mean I got by in school. Above a 4.0 in high school (however that bullshit makes since.) Top 1% of national test scores. Top whatever percent of class. College I tried a little less, still with a 3.8 or so though, because that just came naturally. Honestly the two lowest factors on my GPA were the English 101 class I failed because while I had 6 counted absences the teacher counted 7, and by Jove even though I’m paying to be there I need to be coddled and herded like a toddler and told when I do and don’t need to be in class. But, I’m not going to get into a semantic argument over the way colleges are run these days. We all know it’s a load of bullshit, and that the majority of professors love their soap box and their forced audience far more than actually educating or contributing to the betterment of our future and posterity. Anywhoozle, as I was saying, the second was a Bible class which (excuse my near blasphemous remark) Jesus wouldn’t have made an A in. (I made a D if you were wondering. Because … well.. I’m not getting into that either. Whatever.)
So, I got by in life. Got a job. Live by myself. (Woot Woot.) Pay all my own bills. Not a single late payment on anything yet. Knock on wood. (Luckily I’ve got this gorgeous wooden bed that I got for Christmas. Man She’s gorgeous. You should be jealous.) But yea. I get by. But my driving factor has always been love and companionship. Since I was a little girl all I’ve ever wanted was to get married and .. have.. a wife.. which are the same thing. I would say have a family. But that’s never been the dream. I really just want a wife and maybe a dog. And when I say maybe a dog. I mean. I love dogs, and I really want a dog more than anything ever, but when you have pets, much like children it creates limitations on how spontaneous you can be. As it were though, I never set any career goals, never had any great aspirations for personal achievement because I’ve heard so many horror stories. All work, no play, makes Jack a dull boy. And I didn’t want to be away. I didn’t want a job where I couldn’t wake up and see my wife’s beautiful smiling face every single morning. Couldn’t bring her breakfast in bed every weekend. Couldn’t sit at our little corner table reading the news paper, drinking coffee, just watching the sun rise. Couldn’t just have my saturdays to lay tangled together in bed til we decide to get up, go for a ride through the mountains, or go on a weekend getaway to the beach. Couldn’t come home at the end of the day and just have time to sit down and eat together, Talk about our days. Those were the things I wanted. Not long work hours, and a big bank account. Weekend business trips and having to call my wife to tell her I love her over the phone and I’ll be home when I can. Not late nights at the office with some stupid slutbag secretary wanting to get up on it, tempting infidelity because I see her more than I see my wife, the love of my life, my sun and stars, my reason to breathe. All I ever wanted was to lay down and kiss my wife each and every night. Play with her long hair as we go to sleep. Watch her fall asleep first and each night tell her how much I love her. …. OK FINE. Yes, I sit around and think about these things like a little girl. Get over it.
That’s all I wanted. A job that’ll pay the bills. Get us by. Let me do the 8-5 life and be done to have the rest of the day. That’s the life I planned for. And I think I was wrong to do so.
There is one other thing I’ve dreamed about since I was a child. And that’s super cars. Long slender curves, giant calipers, aerodynamic perfection. Purring like a kitten when you’re on her easy, or roaring like a tiger when you wanna go hard. Feeling your stomach shift and you slide around curves, your back sinking down in your seat and you break multiple Gs screaming down a long straight away. Just you and the road, nothing else, no distractions, no problems. Just peace. You know cars will Never lie to you. Never cheat on you. Never hurt you in a way that you didn’t ask for. Never keep secrets from you. Never go down on your best friend. They’re patient. Loving. Beautiful. Faithful. Warm. Caring. Perfect. And I think that may have been the life I should have went for.
This whole finding love and a wife thing is a load of bullshit. I’d ask the average person to just think about yourself. Think of all the things you’d never tell someone on a first date. Well. You are a lying, manipulative, asshole. Think about all the things you’d really rather no one ever know. Yep. You’re a fucking bitch. First off. I am the most secretive person ever. Don’t get me wrong. I mean. People are judgmental assholes. But. The way I see it. If someone will judge you for something, either you shouldn’t have done it, or you shouldn’t give a fuck about that person. That’s really the 2 options. Mine are the latter. Which is why I don’t bother telling people. I don’t want to hear their chastising bullshit cause I couldn’t care less. But.. People are assholes. And sluts. People are designed to be sexual. And I don’t know what the fuck it is about people. But I mean.. It’s like will power isn’t a thing. OMFG LIKE WTF BBQ They offered what was I supposed to do, say no? They hit on me, was I just supposed to be rude? He text me first… He sent me a picture of HIS penis.. Yea. Okay? This isn’t fucking bullshitpocalypse Land Dot Com. You can fucking block phone numbers. You can tell people no. You can tell people you aren’t interested. I do it all the fucking time. Bitch comes up to me at the bar. “So blah bl….” ..”Yea no sorry honey, I’m never having sex with you.” “…..” walks away. It’s really that fucking simple. It is.. I’m single and I can do it. Body language is quite powerful. I can not be hit on if I don’t want to be. It’s pretty fucking easy. Know what else is easy. Covering up your damn boobs. Wearing baggier clothes. Ain’t nobody needs to see no damn outline of my body what-so-ever. If I want them to see that it’ll be in my bedroom. I’m sorry. People are fucking sluts these days. I hate everyone. Sorry Not Sorry. Until someone proves otherwise. I’m just so done with everyone’s stupid self centered bullshit. How bout we start teaching some fucking modesty and altruism in school. Because otherwise our world is gonna keep heading down this dark dark hole and it’s never coming back. People are wicked. I’m … Whatever. I don’t care. Fuck People. I have cats.
AHUM. As I was saying at one point. Cars. Car’s don’t do that. Other dude comes up to see my car. Know what my car does. Give him the cold shoulder. Doesn’t lead him on. Doesn’t flirt back. Doesn’t give him anything. He’s not getting inside her. My as well be on his damn way. And he know’s who she belongs to. And He’s gonna respect that. The End. No way around it. Why? Because my car doesn’t need anyone’s approval but mine. That’s all she cares about. Me and Me alone. That being said. I feel like I should Share with you a few of my beautiful ladies that COULD have been mine had I taken another path in life. .. The path Most traveled.
(And you can be skeptical all you want. There is nothing in my life I can’t accomplish — which is possible by ones own volition — having put my mind to it. I was extremely intelligent and meant for great things. Those just weren’t the things I wanted.)
May these beauties bring you as much joy and peace as they do me.
adarkspot 