As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren’t any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true. And, so it was, a wristwatch saved Harold Crick.
It’s been a rough week. But here’s the exciting news. I wrote a letter. Pretty sure it’s the first letter I’ve ever written in my life. Which.. is very strange. But it was very exciting. I mean. It really was. I got out my little pen. And folded a piece of tiny paper in half and just started writing. Pouring my soul out on to this tiny little sheet of paper. It was kind of like blogging. Except. I got ink all over my fingers. (Cause I write with a legit ink flat-tip pen…. .. Cause if I try to write with regular pen it looks like a cat tried to write it.. And pencil just doesn’t seem as heartfelt.) .. And. I could direct everything I was saying at one particular person. And that’s a good thing, because everything I needed to say was to one particular person. I think I may start writing letters to everyone now. It’s much easier to write to someone than it is to speak to them. That way I can’t watch and hear them judge me. Plus. I never actually have to give them the letter but it still feels as if a boulder has been taken off my chest. Best part is that when I was done I decided to make my own envelope. So like an 8th grade girl I pulled out a sheet of paper and started folding. I’ve never done this before, but much to my own surprise this was the outcome:
I mean, that’s a preeeetty beast envelope if I do say so myself. I was so proud of myself. Cause I was really half expecting to end up with a paper airplane. But nope. Got this baby. As she is sealed tight. Dang legit if you ask me.
More importantly though: The reason why I was writing this letter. … I had typed out the whole letter here.. But then I decided. Um. Heck no. Cause well. It takes away the specialness of it. Also. They may actually see it that way. Also.. Just no.
Okay. Well. Here’s the thing. So I’ve been.. Preoccupied? as of late on the whole.. emotional front. I’ve been fairly closed off to anyone and everyone basically because of what’s been happening and stuff. Therefore, these shenanigans took me fully by surprise. And emotional sucker punch right to the heart. So I have this friend right. Who’s a girl. And we all already know where this is going.. Okay well I’m gonna tell you anyway. I’ve known her basically forever. And one day she just yells out my name when she sees me. Then hides. Well the next time she sees me she does the same thing. But I find her and talk to her. And the rest, as they say, is history. We because fantastic friends. Adorable girl. Beautiful really. Smart. Funny. Outgoing. Charismatic. Vibrant. Very social and outgoing. Laughs a lot. Loves a lot. Basically everything I’m not and everything I’m terrified of. But, good for me in the same regard. Of course I’m gonna develop just a liiiiittle bit of a crush. I mean. .. How could you not? But I really did want to be friends with her and was petrified at the thought of screwing this up to. As I may or may have screwed up friendships in the past with this same song and dance. So, noticing my own running theme I decided not to push for it. Shortly later she got a boyfriend anyway. She asked me at that time if I had been pursuant of something more than platonic friendship with her. Being a reasonable person, I of course straight up lied about it. Well. I didn’t lie lie.. Just.. kind of omitted the truth a little bit. I mean.. no was a perfectly valid answer as I had been avoiding the situation. She did deserve better than me, after all. So. That was that. Friendship continued, no harm, no foul, and it was all the easier to try to push the feelings away. Which is exactly what I did. So so very well. …..”Little did he know that this simple seemingly innocuous act would result in his imminent death”… Okay.. well that quote might be a little bit strong for this.. .. but I mean.. Harold Crick didn’t die either.. so get off my case.
The other day, I’m talking to her sister while I wait for her. (I used to be pretty good friends with her sister, but life just kind of diverged… mainly she got busy and stuff..) So. Talking to her sister.. Talking about the fact that we dislike her boyfriend cause.. well… yea he’s kinda … dumb.. and not goodish.. but Hey who am I to judge.. And.. the sister tells me that she told my friend that she should go out with me because I’m better than her boyfriend and that she could see us working or whatever.. etc. etc.. I mean.. That may not be what she in-fact said to her.. she could have been trying to make me feel better.. but she did kind of mumble it and trail off and she realized what she was saying.. so, I kind of think that’s probably what was said.. I was like.. Um.. Excuse me what was that.. and she said, oh nothing, nevermind, I realized … (trails off again.) .. I was all “Oh, no no, it’s.. that’s not.. I didn’t .. .. I didn’t mean that.. I was just.. she should… date someone better.. I definitely didn’t mean me..” Cause I really really didn’t. But. Well. There goes my old heart, like a wild bird shooting a gap in a cage as the door is cracked to put in water. And that was the last time I saw it. My head has mainly stayed wandered off in the clouds with it. When it was all just thrown out on the table there, I mean, I couldn’t help it. You dam a lake to hold it back, you crack the flood gates and there you have yourself a flood. Which is precisely what I have. A disaster. There’s nothing else in the old noggin. Just a constant debate between. Tell her, Don’t tell her. It’ll work, It won’t work. She probably hates you anyway, yea she definitely hates you. I mean.. just constant warring. And so. I wrote a letter. Told her everything. Told her how I’d gotten her 2 dozen roses, but then was afraid to give them to her after her sister said that. So now they’re sitting here in my room all alone. Said I didn’t tell her the whole truth back then. That I’m sorry. That I don’t expect anything to change and don’t want her to feel weird about it.. Reading back through the letter I had written I realized, “Jansen, there’s no way in hell you can give this girl this letter.” … I mean.. Don’t be weird about it.. If you have to say “I hope this doesn’t change things,” … it’s gonna change things. No good can come of telling her any of this. The truth will NOT set you free. The Truth will cage you up and destroy your life, your hopes, and your dreams.
As of this moment. The letter is sitting on my dresser. Laying atop the invitation she sent me, in the shadow of the flowers I was too embarrassed to give. Her name scrawled across the front to remind me to think about the situation and make a decision. And currently, I don’t think I can give her any of this. I don’t think it would work out to my advantage. Or anyone else’s. She means too much to me as a friend…. and that’s the only reason I want to tell her.. Just to be honest with her. Because I feel she deserves the truth. .. I’m just so afraid the truth will destroy everything. And I will lose one of my best friends. Once again. I’m just lost. I don’t know what to do. And I don’t know what to do about not knowing what to do. For the time being me and my kitty (which still needs a name) are gonna continue to sit here and watch tv, and listen to love songs. Cause atleast my kitty loves me.. And loves to help me blog.
Dear Bartender. I’m feeling. Unresolved. How about another cup of coffee.