People always tell me confidence is the key. It’s actually a little strange how often I’m given the advice “fake it til you make it.” Just act like you believe in yourself? Like a … Step 1. Pretend to be confident. Step 2. Profit. Step 3. Gain confidence from Step 2’s success.. And I mean.. Sure that’s well and Good.. But.. Lemme just tell you about where I’m at.
Step 1. Fake it til you make it…
I kinda go with the hit or miss here. See.. If it’s something that matters I’m shy and lack confidence and as always am my foot in mouth, own worst enemy, ticking time bomb of awkwardness self. However, in situations that entirely don’t matter to me, I am one suave motha F*a. For Example, I tend to do really well with waitresses. When I tell people this they generally respond, “Yea, right, it’s not just cause she thinks you’ll leave her a big tip or anything.” Um, first off No. There have been occasion’s where I’m out to dinner with a girl, and my waitress will come sit down in the boot beside me while taking our order. (And you can just imagine how livid that makes the girl I’m there with.. but are they just so cute when they get jealous?) .. But I mean, that just doesn’t come off as a tip thing. Also, I mean, I’ve gotten several phone numbers.. (We’ll get to that in a minute though..) But still, I’ve proven the concept to people who are still unbelieving after my stories. We go somewhere to eat that generally has young female waitresses, and ours always visits our table considerably more often than other tables. Best ever was when my friend tried to speak to her while she was talking to me and he got straight up ignored… poor guy. . . .. Example 2.. I tend to go to the grocery store a lot. It’s kind of a bipolar thing.. Somehow my fulfillment from spending money comes from number of individual transactions maybe? But more importantly I regulate my impulse for outlandish spending by going and getting only specifically what I need. Which will be 1-5 things generally. Because if I walk around the store just looking for things I maybe-might-possibly-kinda need sometime in the future maybe kinda things.. I end up spending ridiculous amounts of money. One day, I went shopping for sheets… I ended up spending $800 on sheets and pillows and blankets and stuff.. seriously.. It’s a little out of control. So yea. Just what I specifically need.. So yea, back to the point.. Grocery. Most often it’s the grocery store closest too my house, so I try to play a little more reserve there since I see many of them most every day. But, there and elsewhere, I tend to talk to the cashiers and have conversations and .. end up talking to them outside of the store, texting them or whatever.
— Now, don’t get me wrong here. This is what I’m explaining. I am NOT some super suave ladies man. I don’t look like Ryan Gosling. I do not have his abs. Or arms.. or face.. or.. his….er nevermind Ok. You get the point. I don’t consider myself very attractive at all in any right. I’m shy and stutter and stammer and act really awkward around girls I like. But. Like a shitty, powerless, boring awkward bass ackwards Superman > Clark Kent.. I have this nice “costume” I can put on. Where as the real Superman is awesome and Clark is the weird awkward shy one, the real me sucks at life and the fake me is “Super Ladies Man” .. well.. That’s a terrible expression and a tad bit of an exaggeration; you get where I’m going though. I know how to talk and act and treat girls in a manner that will elicit particular responses. .. In any situations that isn’t particularly long. I would absolutely dominate the world of one night stands if I do say so myself. If I were remotely interested in that sort of thing. But I’m not, and have never been. .. Part of what makes me different that every other guy who tries to pick up girls at a bar (or anywhere else) is that I’m NOT trying to pick up girls. Well of course Everyone wants what they can’t have. So my clear lack of really caring somehow ends up giving me strange power.. As absolutely odd and absurd as it sounds. Also, it comes off fairly clear that I’m not the one night stand type of guy, which is basically a swoon generator for some unknown reason.. Girls can be real dumb, I dunno what to tell you there.. Sometimes their brains don’t exactly fire on the logic cylinders.. This, plus the fact that Fake Me.. Man, I really should have come up with a better name for this alter ego now that I think about it.. Oh well.. so.. … the fact that Fake me is master at whimsy flirtation = Profit.
People who “know” me have a hard time believing that statement also, because they have a much closer impression of the real me, who isn’t that guy. At all. By any means. Whatsoever. I am… not smooth. or cool. or… attractive.. or the kind of person you would think would be able to pick up girls at all.. Yea..
Step 2. Profit.
This is where the wave of reality comes sweeping in and demolishes my sand castle throne of cool. On average, most of these new relationships last maybe a day depending on how I go with it. The more of me I really show, the quicker they realize how large of a mistake they’ve made. And how they really don’t want to be my friend or anything else. … Sometime in the near future I’ll try to remember to kind of a write sort of a description of me as to further express this sentiment. But yea. So, I never call any of these people whose phone numbers I get. .. “A lie is just a great story that somebody ruined with the truth” – Barney Stinson. Who I really am is the sad truth that ruins the great stories. Typically I’m just not interested in the type of girl who’d be interested in that version of me anyway.. I can be friends with absolutely anyone. I can find common ground and such and I’m good at talking when I get out of my own way. But, at this point in life, I’m really just past shallow friendships and such. I mean. Maybe I’m alone most of the time. And, I HATE being alone. But, I’m just so over having to be someone I’m not to appease people. So, I just be who I truly am. Sarcastic and weird, and sometimes without filter. If people stick around through that, they gain my friendship and unconditional love. If they don’t, then as far as I can honestly see I’m just better off without them. A concept most people truly don’t understand. Like my father for example. As far has he’s concerned I “need to change” because it’s my fault and it’s not normal to be alone all the time and you need better friends because the reasons that blah blah blah are blah blah blah and maybe the reason you have issues with girls is because you always choose these weird girls blah blah blah. .. Well. I won’t get heavily into this because it’s another argument altogether. but… thank you for pretending things are the same today as they were 45 years ago. And also, for pretending you know Anything about me, when the truth is you really don’t because you assume I’m you. … News flash. I. Am. Not. … Annnnyway. I stick with the people who stick with me. And No I don’t really judge them. …
Back to the category. The profit part doesn’t work out with me. Because. When I try. I fail. Simply put.
Step 3. True Confidence Based on Profit Based on Fake Confidence.
None to be had. My failing, in fact, has the opposite effect. I lose confidence as I learn more and more how strange I apparently am. (Subsidized of course by my own father constantly reiterating the facts to me, thinking somehow that he’s helping.) So then, my actual course of events. 1. Fake it. 2. Falsely earn gains. 3. Lose Gains by truth. 4. Be worse than when started. 5. Enter perpetual downward spiral.
So instead of taking to this advice I believe I’ll stick with my own advice. Which, as far as I’m concerned are words to live by that everyone should adopt if they ever just want to be truly and honestly fully happy. … Preface though. It’ll be a long hard road to get there.. And so far I haven’t made it.. And.. You know.. I may never. But if I do. I’ll send you a post card… .. Without further ado…
Words to Live by:
“Be yourself. If anyone doesn’t like it. Fuck ’em.”