I lied. It doesn’t go away. The pain is there. No matter what. I hide it away in my heart and push on with my life. But it isn’t going away. Not in the slightest. And never will. You don’t go from someone being your one to not being allowed to be in their life at all. .. You know. Does not compute. I sit here.. and I play my piano for hours. I can’t play my guitar when I’m feeling off. I end up breaking strings or hurting my fingers.. But my piano. It just seems to understand me… My car understands me also. I go drive for hours with no destination. Just me and the road and loud loud music. .. I know I said I’d be fine. I know I said I’d be ok and move on and hope you’re happy and that your life works out well and all but I just don’t think I really meant it. And so it comes to this. (This girls is phenomenal and expresses my feelings better than I can at the moment..)
Nevermind. I’ll find someone like you.
You know.. Today.. .. I stopped.. and saved a giant snapping turtle off the interstate… And I saw a Ferrari.. And you know what.. None of this has a damn thing to do with you.. but you know.. The world continues with or with out you here. These are things.. That… I feel like you’d have understood me saying.. but.. yea.. well… It’s 1:17 am and I just drank 4 cups of coffee and an energy drink and am going back and forth between Piano and computer and listening to music. And well, when I think about things.. sometimes I think it all has to be my fault somewhere. I mean.. Something I did or didn’t do. The reason these things always happen to me.. But then I tell myself.. No, life’s just a bitch… And then I tell myself.. No.. I don’t feel like that’s the case.. Being Bi-polar probably has a whole lot to do with this constant shift in attitude about the situation, but that’s beside the fact. I feel like my life is going somewhere.. You know.. the days when I don’t feel like just ending it all. The days I feel ‘normal’. Not like a delusional illusion of grandeur, just and impending feeling that it’s all adding up to something. And either way, may my life will end up with something big. Maybe I’ll do great things. More likely I won’t. Mostly from fear. Because I’m afraid to do anything in front of people. And you know what. You made that 10 times worse. So, if my life goes no where, then that’s that. But at the end of the day, all I ever really need is love. Love in my heart gets me by more than food on the table. And, I may not have that now. Maybe no one loves me. But, someday, someone will. Someone will keep all the promises that you didn’t. Someone will be what you pretended to be. So, maybe I’m not important. Maybe I’ll never be special. Maybe the world won’t know my name. But, it really doesn’t matter. I don’t know how you go from being jealous when I talk to people who are ‘famous’; so much so that you didn’t want me listening to their music… To cheating on me. Yea, there I said it. Everyone knows. You were a bitch to me. And I know I’m not always easy to get along with. I’m abrasive, and I get that. But it doesn’t justify everything you put me through. And it sure as hell doesn’t justify you trying to keep me hurt by not letting me go forever. By sticking around and talking to me when I was doing oh so well. Only so you could get it all back to just throw me away again. And yea. This has gotten highly pointed but you know what. Since you won’t even fucking talk to me. Deal with it. I’m hurt and I’ll bitch about it right here if I want. tI kills me when my family asks me about you, still. And I honestly wish I had never met you. I do apologize to everyone else reading. Like children having to listen to their parents yelling at each other through the walls. …
NEVERMIND. I’ll find.. someone.. .. I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you’re happy even though I feel you’re making a mistake. Even though it’s not me you could do better than that.
In case anyone didn’t know.. Cars go by REALLY fast when you’re on the interstate trying to move a snappy turtle that’s 2ft across and weighs a bajillion pounds. Like any animal it didn’t understand I was trying to save it’s life and the life of anyone who might have hit it. Twisting his long neck around snapping at me as I’m just trying to get him to safety. Sometimes it’s hard to see the big picture. Sometimes it just seems like we’re being bothered and effed with. That someone has a big stick (which was actually a wooded practice katana…. that I happened to have in my car..) is trying to drag us off our path. Refusing to let us going the course we were going on. Taking us out of the nice warm sunshine and off the warm pavement. Shoving us through tall grass and weeds that we do Not want to go through.. When Really. Our life is being saved. We’re being uprooted from out crash course that we were strolling happily down. Yea, it’s troublesome and annoying and sometimes it hurts and it’s hard to go through. But it’s all for the best. Like the wild animal we can’t see the big picture. We react on our instinct and get upset and hurt and bitch about it and try to fight back when really it’s just life happening. Putting us where we need to be. Saving our life.
Life goes on after it all. A phoenix rises from Ashes. Adele wouldn’t have the soul the sing what she does had she not been hurt. Plenty of the same cases in life. And I’m far from that. But it all shapes us into who we are and who we’re supposed to be. So. I’ll keep my pain, and my hurt, and my brokenness. If for nothing else, it helps me to help other people, helps me to empathize with people who are going through things and help talk them through situations. I have plenty of experience talking people “off of ledges.” So, if it all helps me to help someone else, then it’s all been worth while. I don’t understand it. But you know, I’m happy to make other people happy. And just live, that one day, someone may love me for all I am and everything I’ve done. So I guess I take it back. Thank you for the time we had. And all the good memories I have. And all of the knowledge of what I want out of life and what to look for in a girl. ..
… There’s nothing I’d rather have more in the world than love. And you know this. It’s an obvious thing. It’s why people are drawn to me. Because I will always love them no matter what. Because it’s the one thing I can give. Maybe, I get ran over, and used. And people tell me I’ve gotta change. Or It’ll keep happening. More people will just use me up and leave me out to dry. .. I honestly Have no clue what I’m talking about anymore. As I’ve literally stopped and started this back like 10 times. The amount of coffee and energy drinks in my system has turned my brain into a thought machine that is just constantly spouting everything that comes to mind. It’s funny how when I sat down I had 2 entirely different things I was going to right about. One was the most amazing marriage proposals I’ve ever seen. Cause we all know how I’m generally just completely the hopeless romantic type.. But clearly, it got me thinking about yours.. Which I like to assume was the most boring and stupid proposal of all time. Just like him. So, nyeh. /Sticks out tongue. Maybe I am a 5 year old. But, well. Whatever.
I know I am loved. In this moment. Right now. And for all time. My friends love me. With all of their heart. No matter how hard I am to deal with a lot of the time. And no matter that I come and go like the tide. No matter that some of them I don’t get to see for years. I can see them across a parking lot in the pouring rain. And just smile. And know. That’s the connection I have with people. Sometimes we don’t even talk forever, but it still exist. 6 months can go by without a word and we can pick up like it’s been a minute. So maybe they aren’t always Here for me the way I want. But They do their best to make sure I know they care. I’m all about lifelong bonds. If I get tattoos.. Which I’m still on the fence about after years.. I will get one by each of my friends.. Why? Because I know that they will always be there.. Be that piece of me. Which they already are with or without the mark to show it. And maybe you feel the same way. Maybe you don’t. I hope not. I hope you don’t go through your entire life without me, having that feeling. I genuinely hope you feel absolutely nothing for me, despite you promise that I will always been in your heart. .. I wrote you a song. But I told you that.. You’ll never hear it. .. and I am sorry that I didn’t sing to you. And sorry I didn’t draw you all the things I do now. I’m sorry that it took til you were gone for me to figure a lot of things out.
I’m gonna try to get it all together. And in the future. Should some poor soul ever fall in love with me. I’m going to try my best to be all the things I wish I were. Try not to worry. Try to be the man I know I can be. Get her flowers all the time just because she is beautiful. Sing to here just because she makes my heart want to sing. Draw here all the things I feel so that she knows she is my inspiration. Trust her more. Not critique what she does, just be happy that she’s happy. Take here to her favorite places. And let her take me where ever she wants. Go to Waffle House or Cracker Barrel or McDonald’s if that’s what she wants and not complain and make it unenjoyable for her. Go with her to all the places she’s been and make new memories despite my neurotic feelings about things. Let her cook for me if she wants. And let her get me gifts if that’s what she wants to do to show me she loves me.
I’m sorry it took me this long to come to this. And to everyone who had to bear all the things along the way. I wanted to be better for you. But now. I’ll try to be better because of you. Be better to be all the things someone needs me to be and to make their life great.
So, I know I said I miss you. And that you can do better.
.. Nevermind, it’s your life. You do with it what you want. Do what makes you happy, and love who you want to love. I say a lot of things trying to help but it’s never been my place. So, you figure it out for yourself. I’m sorry for all the ways I fucked up. Thank you for everything you taught me. I love you, and I always will. So you go be happy doing what you want to do. And you follow your dreams. You can do whatever you set your mind to. Don’t let me or anyone else ever discourage you otherwise. Don’t be brought down by your circumstances or anything. Work for what you want, but most importantly. Make sure you enjoy the journey. Cause I’ve come to learn the end is only half of what matters. The top of Mount Everest wouldn’t mean a thing if you don’t enjoy the climb. Don’t live for achievement or how things turn out. You live every day and enjoy it. And I’ll try to do the same. So thank you for being with me for part of the journey. You enjoy your path. And I’ll enjoy mine.
I’m gonna post this now.. And I’m not even gonna proof read it. Because.. The more I think about it the more I know I shouldn’t but. Oh well. No one’s gonna read it anyway.