So.. Last week. I dropped a shampoo bottle on my toe in the shower. Which I’m fairly certain broke it, but I didn’t go to the doctor.. cause let’s face it.. it’s a toe.. Who cares? .. Then I got battery acid on my collar bone.. which left a big burn mark… Oh.. Almost forgot.. Also got stung by 3 scorpions that were apparently having a gangland summit in a towel I picked up.. Then.. While weed eating I got stuff all in my shoe so I took my shoes off.. Shortly after I dropped a large metal.. Thingy.. on my foot.. and crushed it. Leaving a massive bruise. Shortly after That I got fire ants all over my ankle, and now have massive ugly bite marks all over my ankle from them. Shortly after THAT I got a briar around my foot and cut it up… Then, I sliced my finger open with a piece of razor sharp rusty metal. I had my T-Shot.. like.. 7? years ago.. so.. I figured I Should be good on that one. Figured I’d wing it anyway.. This morning. I got bit by a baby snake, which was either a baby black snake or a baby rattlesnake.. They look pretty much exactly the same, except the rattle snakes generally have a tiny distinguishable rattle. However, at that size, who knows, my sight isn’t great anyway. So just figured I’d wing it and if I started convulsing then I’d know I guess wrong. Well. THEN. The real pain came. My ex told me she’s engaged.
Alright. You can pardon this line. But. What the fuckin’ fuck. Are you fucking kidding me?… Fuck. .. Okay. Sorry. Yea.. At that point. I was just really kind of hoping that it was a baby rattlesnake. As their venom is pretty much entirely neurotoxin it would just cause all my organs to arrest and I would die. One of the immediate symptoms of snake venom is a feeling of anxiety. Well.. At that point I don’t know how the hell I’d have known the difference. I mean. Yea. Okay, maybe you’re sitting there all Judgey McJudgerson on me. But Well, I don’t care. She was the one who had to all up and come back up in my life and junk and be like hey here I am remember all the love you feel for me? Yea. I’m right here. I was doing fine and trying to move on and SHE made it all come back. Then she’s all like you wanna see the dresses I tried on? Um. How bout a Fuck no. I teared up at her asking the question.
Literally Yesterday I had a conversation with another depressed person about relationships and logistics and passion and such. Well see.. Logistically this was a dumb relationship. I mean. I’ve met the logistic girl. It’s great, it’s all amazing, it’s all easy and fun and makes since and just works out and it looks great on paper and it IS great. Don’t get me wrong. But. It’s still just not the same as the passion. Passion was what it was with this girl. And she is the Only person I’ve ever felt that strong of passion for. Everything Was passion. There was no half assing anything. I mean if it was done it was gonna be done all out. If we fought there would be screaming and yelling and crying and throwing phones “on the chair” ( / aka against the wall destroying them) and everything else. But that fury applied to love in the same way as it did anger. A lot of people don’t truly know passion. And even still many that do don’t know it with another person. Some think they understand passion, but those who truly know all out passion, Know that they know it. I mean. It’s just. An all-consuming force. Every ounce of your soul and being poured into every single thing you do. Passion like a raging wildfire engulfing everything in it’s path, consecration and glory and ashes and tears and love and all that is. I mean. It’s just.. You know.. As you can see. I’m fairly passionate about passion.. So anyway. My discussion was that this girl. Is the only person I’ve ever truly felt that kind of passions with. And sure it’s dangerous and stupid and doesn’t really follow logic. But I don’t even care. All I want is that passion. To feel with every spec of my being.
Instead. A flaming tractor trailer filled with burning unicorns plowed straight through my soul destroying all that is good in the world. A phantasmal barbed dagger stuck straight through my back and into my heart, removing my soul in it’s wake. Leaving only an empty black void. The first time that Loss has really sank in. The first time I’ve felt like gone is gone. That I felt like the ultimate loser.
And so. I deal with it the way anyone might. I drive my car like a tool and do burn outs in parking lots and do donuts and speed down little curvy roads. I yell and scream and cry. And then sit curled in my bed. Right here. In a little ball. Holding my keyboard and my alcohol and my chocolate. All the lights on. In my pjs that still smell like her after all this time. Watching my fish as the float around enjoying life. Just feeling empty inside. Refusing to let go. Just not today. Not this day. Tonight I’ll have my nightmares. And tomorrow it will all sink in and become reality. But for tonight. I’ve got this smell. And I’ve got this chocolate. And I’m holding on to this little flicker in my soul. As I watch it slowly suffocating and dying. .. Knowing that this is me being forced to just move on with life.
And it hurts.