It’s strange how.. I deleted 2 post.. In a blog no one reads.. because.. I was… insecure? about them.. ………..Lemme change topic Real quick here. Before I delve into whatever it is I’m working towards here.. Just to clear up some things that I’m sure will be noticed. I have.. Multiple styles or forms of writing.. And. When writing from my thoughts.. or feelings. I use lots of ellipses and such.. As to convey my thinking process I guess.. Or perhaps the way I’d speak if I were talking about.. As. That’s really what I’m doing. Only.. I’m typing it.. So.. just bear with me I guess. I do apologize for my atrocious butchery of proper punctuation and even grammar. Furthermore, the Capitalization of words within a sentence. I do so, again, as if I were talking I would pronounce that word more significantly in a manner.
.. And Back to the matter at hand. Wait, what was it? Oh yea, there we are. So I deleted posts. One of which I’ve contemplated rewriting.. I couldn’t really think of a Title that was pleasing either.. It was subtitled ‘Metal and Stone Rend More Than Flesh and Bone.’ But I felt that far too long and descriptive to be my title. I prefer evocative or fun titles. Which, the title itself was meant to be slightly misleading I guess. I mean.. I honestly don’t know why it matters, but.. if anyone were ever to read it.. .. rabble rabble. Anyway. Moving Forward.
I’m a dreamer. And a Hopeless Romantic. To pull from the Missing post which You clearly haven’t read.. Unless you just so happened to catch them during the Very short time they were available… I tend to ‘fall for’ the unavailable women. I Love girls. Period. End of Story. and.. let me try to get all of this unjumbled in a semi-coherent manner for you. (Side note. ‘unjumbled’ is underlined as misspelled. Options for correction are as follows: tumbledown, Dumbledore, untroubled, unplumbed. .. I’m pretty sure none of those were what I meant. Thanks for the suggestions though.) Ok Sorry. Ok. So. When I say unavailable. I think it’s that.. All women are unavailable to me. Not that I’m.. well I don’t know. I don’t think I’m that grotesque, although I’ve been wrong before… that one time.. I try.. To be friends with girls.. And 1 of like.. 2-3 things ends up happening.
1. They are completely unavailable but are absolutely perfect for me.. or very close to being so. This.. has been the case Twice.. Very annoying. I won’t even get into it right now cause it’d require an entirely separate and very long post to explain.
2. I end up. Somewhere in the process of being friends. Falling for the girl. I’m a slut I guess. I mean.. I could be with like.. 86% of the female population and probably be happy for some amount of time. I can find something to love about anyone.. For however long that may last. I love that new spark feeling. But that’s a problem .. I need someone who makes it last beyond that.. ^ Refer to the 2 unavailable girls. Further. We add .. Several more ‘unavailable’ girls here. Not the Perpetually impossibly unavailable previously addressed. Just the.. Unavailable for other reasons, category..
(Still on #2 here.) Ok. just try to stick with me here.. Or you know.. navigate to another page if you don’t want to read this. Your life. Your choice. .. <Since it’s later I’m proof reading this. As I’ve just finished writing. It was over 8000 words. Its been ‘trimmed’ to just below 4000. Fair warning.>(side note again)– My fish are fighting. Not like.. Trying to kill each other.. just like.. Giant kisses.. cept.. not.. But they’re just playing like.. warlords… Trying to control areas of the tank. It’s fun to watch.. I love fish. but remind me to talk about that later.. well You can’t remind me.. You’re not talking to me.. You’re probably actually me since I’ll be the only one reading this most likely. –( back to point 2 now..) The unavailable for secondary reasons group. I don’t know the number of girls in this category but I’ll cover most of it right now. This is the reason I get called a slut by certain individuals I guess. Well typically they don’t call me a slut.. just.. fickle or something. There’s different parts of several girls which I find attractive. So sue me? I’m allowed to do whatever I want, especially since I rarely ever act on my desires. .. I guess it’s like one of my favorite songs. The Monkees sang, “When I was a young boy, My Momma, she said to me. ‘There’s only one girl in the world for you, and she probably lives in Tahiti. Or maybe she’s in the Bahamas, where the Caribbean sea is blue, weeping away in the tropical night, cause no one’s told her ’bout you.’ I’d go the whole wide world. I’d go the whole wide world just to find her..” I typed that from memory. Forgive me for any errors but you get the basic idea. And I’m allowed to like multiple girls. The odds of me picking ONE girl and her being my one. are.. 1 in.. like.. 4.2 billion? Yea. So gimme a break.
So anyway. Back to these particular girls and why or what or how or something. Let’s try to start from.. The oldest I guess? <Oldest as in from longest ago. or longest running. However.. reading back through this is way out of order. Get over it. You don’t know any better anyway.> .. She’s one of the best friends I guess. Known her forever. Dated one time. Fucked that up. (Forgive the language… but that’s really the most appropriate word.) I guess this would be a good time to say I’m terrible at relationships. But we’ll cover that more some other time. Well anyway.. Then we didn’t talk for a while.. Then We did.. Then We didn’t.. Then We did? At one point during the Did / Didn’t we were basically dating but .. not.. anyway.. I like/d this girl because.. Well She’s just always honestly been there for me.. I like her sense of humor.. And she’s honest with me. I enjoy just Being with her.. Even doing completely separate things. Just happy in her presence. I could help her with things, also.. hang up a mirror for her.. Hook up her printer. Help with homework. Take an online test for her. (=X shh don’t tell).. Buy and change her wiper blades without her knowledge just because she appreciates it so much. And she was always there with the little things.. Just getting me a cup with Ice cause my drink was hot.. not asking. Just doing. She ate the parts of my chinese food I didn’t like.. I could honestly go on forever but No one wants to read all that. Not even me. Needless to say. She kinda became the standard by which I judged how other girls acted toward me. She was “The little things” girl.
Somewhere after that there’s the.. Girl I had a crush on and never told girl. <Yep. That Was intentionally redundant. and in case you haven’t figured this out. things in <> are my commentary as I’m readying back through this the final time.>I wanted to tell her. I just never thought She’d accept me.. She’s gorgeous of course.. But she doesn’t like being told that. She wants to be liked for other reasons. Which is easy Because there’s nothing not to like about her. She just has one of those personalities. Everybody loves her. Ergo the problem. She could have anyone. She’d never pick me. I remember one night.. Driving back to college. I hadn’t seen her in years. We just randomly started talking. She was single at the time. I went by her house to see her. We talked for a while about nothing. And I still don’t know if she hated me.. or if I should have kissed her. Or neither.. My guess is she hated me.. But.. why invite me over if she hated me. I don’t know… Doesn’t matter. She’s “The Window” Girl.. Ted Mosby’s ‘The Ultimate Girl Next Door.’ Every relationship followed by a longer relationship. Placing her basically in the perpetually unavailable category. She’s an insomniac. My late night friend. From time to time. It comes and goes.
..Next I guess is.. the ‘Uncharacteristic girl.’ The one who really doesn’t fit in with the others. She’s popular and popular with guys (not to call her a whore just.. well.. whatever) She didn’t have the build of the girls I typically go for.. She was more well endowed so to say which really doesn’t do much for me.. but unalike most guys, that wasn’t why I liked her. Easy to talk to though. Fun to go out with. SO cute when she scurries around. Referred to as the ‘scurrying girl’ by a particular friend who got the conversation. Haven’t seen in forever. Still think about her on occasion though. You know how it is. <Not 100% sure at this point why this girl was really included.. But I guess maybe just because I think about her on occasion and try to talk to her from time to time.. It’s always been more of a friend thing.. Not to say I never liked her.. I just didn’t want to feel like.. I.. I dunno.. Several other guys liked her.. I guess I’m a douche and just didn’t want to be one of them..>
… Then.. ‘the one I loved being with.’ This one is just absolutely ridiculous and hurts my soul so bad. I’d give anything just to plant a big kiss right on her face. Just so that I could actually feel rejected I guess. Instead of in this self sustained pointless limbo. I mean. I’ve been rejected by her. But she’s still there.. Still around.. .. Years ago.. Many years ago. We used to hang out.. We used to lay in the floor together watching movies. Laying side by side. Close. Play with each others hair. Etc. Then All that seemed to dissipate for a while. Later. We began hanging out again. But more distance this time.. Not so much closeness. I’d playfully put my arm around her or something on occasion. Working up she didn’t pull away .. But I never left my arm there. I always feared either.. It was unwanted. or.. to quote “The Village”… “Sometimes we don’t do the things we want to do so that others don’t know we want to do them” … A somewhat similar case I guess. We had Ivy speaking to Lucius preceding with “I know why you denied my sister. When I was younger… you used to hold my arm when I walked. Then suddenly you stopped. One day, I even tripped in your presence and nearly fell. I was faking, of course, but still you did not hold me.” .. I think maybe I didn’t leave my arm around her because I was again afraid of the rejection if she knew I actually wanted to leave my arm around her? All the same though. I loved being with this girl. She just gave me that big stupid grin which I hate so much cause I feel like I look like a moron. But, either way I only wear it when I feel happy. Fact was, though. When we were together. Nothing else mattered. That much was perfect. I didn’t need anything else. I didn’t need a title. I was perfectly content. Walking through town late at night talking about anything. Stealing her license and running through the grocery store. Dragging her behind me while she posed as if she were skiing, sliding across the shiny tiles floors. Silliness. That’s my true place of contentment, I think. And that’s where she took me. She became another one of the defining models. What makes me happy when being with a girl. I still talk to her. I love talking to her. But I know she doesn’t want anything more. We’ve grown much further apart that used to. One whom, like many, I keep myself at arm’s length from because I know that’s where she’s most comfortable with me. I’ll always be there for her though. I enjoy her company regardless.
And no. I don’t delude myself into a fantasy that I’ll ever be with any of these girls. Barring freak accident I don’t think there’s a snowball’s chance in hell. That’s what this whole category is about.
.. There’s the girl who doesn’t live here. The one I’d be with if we weren’t forever apart. Loving. Caring. Helpful. Motivating. So cute. So much fun to be with. Just. A thousand miles away. And honestly I would have dated her anyway. She’d have been a long distance relationship that would work. Just forever until one day we’d be together. But, That’s not what’s best for her. I had to force myself out of the picture. Break my own heart to get her to be with someone else. Because she’s happy that way. And that means more to me than myself. I’d do anything for the girl. Including let her love someone else. And that’s what I did. Maybe it was the wrong choice for me.. But I think it was the right choice for her.
And Then. College. The Friend. She was such a great friend. She was the girl from the party. We used to be great friends.. and the closest I ever came to telling her how I really felt, that I can recall, is when, one day, she was complaining that everyone liked this friend of hers.. and I told her something about I’d much rather have her than the other girl. But this girl.. It’s too late now. Too far gone. I can enjoy the fantasy. I can still enjoy reading her writing. Still enjoy my memories. But just leave it all unadulterated. This girl.. I like I guess. For her brains. She’s much more intelligent that me. And I love that. And her hair.. She has amazing hair.
<Adding one back into the college years. I had previously removed her. But seeing as.. She has an applicable place. We’ll give her that. I met her in the courtyard one night. She was just a girl.. We talked. She was oh so cute. After she left for the evening I walked up to her friend and said who was that girl? Her friend replied, “Who? The little girl with the big eyes?” .. Um, yes.. I think that’s the one.. Oh her name is Blah blah. Hmm.. So.. I spent some more time in that courtyard in the near future. Even though I live on the far other side of campus. We text each other and talked. I’d ask her ‘in passing’ what her plans were for the weekend.. Never once of course admitting I wanted them to be with me. Well.. Then I think I messed up. I made one sarcastic comment about something.. To someone else.. and Though she tried to cover it. I could tell the comment upset her.. and I really think I let it go after that. Because I felt she would be much better off with someone who wasn’t me. Later on.. I gave her a very expensive text book. In one last attempt to say I really like you. I’m sorry. This is the simplest gesture I can make. She said thanks. We went on our way. We spoke on occasion. As a Facebook stalker if you will I kept up with her life. Amazing. Singer. Artist. Person. She dated someone else. Someone who wasn’t me. There’s no place for me in her life, regardless to the fact that I’ve always held a small place for her in mine.>
All of these.. I think also.. the fact that I can’t have them.. Helps keep the Magic alive.. Cat and Mouse. You always want what you can’t have.. And.. It.. it’s one of those things. where.. They’ve held out long enough.. or.. well not held out.. that implies they know how I feel. That my feelings aren’t utterly unrequited and that they are simply resisting for a purpose.. either way.. It’s been long enough that it’s not infatuation.
Continuing in this category with the .. Minor Players. The.. Real Girl.. She was older than me.. And she was more of a real person.. Like just.. a perfectly normal individual I guess. I mean.. She had a job.. Blah blah blah. Whatever. This is the worst description of a person I’ve ever given. I can’t pin point it. but Something about her.. She smelled really good too. She gave me a hug.. I could have stayed there forever. That was the last time I saw her. Juliet.. And I only call her that because She always called me Romeo.. I always went with over-the-top display of affection for her. Dropping off roses for her and the works. She loved me. She missed me. Just.. Not in That way. Friend Zoned. I honestly really don’t like thinking about it. It depresses me very deeply. I avoid anything that reminds me of her. A restaurant. A movie. A hoodie. uh.. Next please…
The girl with whom things went terribly wrong. This was the fault of EVERYONE but me. I was told time and time again. Girls prefer confidence. So, I tried that. Turns out.. On the one girl who would have loved me for exactly who I really am. And she eventually more or less gave me a Semi-Second chance. But it was too late. She had made up her mind about me already. My fault for listening to people I guess. Wonderful girl though. She made a great friend. Til the day we stopped talking.. I apparently get nostalgic at the same exact time every year.. This past December I emailed her. And To my own surprised. I’d emailed her the past 2 Decembers in a row on almost the same exact day. Oh well. Probably time to give up on that.
There’s a couple other’s I would list here.. but are very minor and I really don’t want to feel any more like a slut than I already do. Maybe we’ll discuss it at a later day. (not really just stalling.)
In between #2 and #3 there’s a paradox. A girl I love. and She loves me. It just.. Never worked out. It wasn’t right. She’s always been there for me. Etc etc. It just.. She just isn’t the girl I’m supposed to be with. I don’t know why. I do love her. She’s amazing. She’s beautiful. She’s a good listener. She understands me. (Very rare indeed) I enjoy long drives or doing whatever. But maybe we’re just too much alike? We’re both terrible decision makers. And I think maybe that has some part in it.. I need someone who makes decisions.? Then again who knows. We could end up together. I honestly don’t know. Maybe it just isn’t time yet? Don’t know. Not worrying on this right now. What’s most important… She’s a great friend. And for that I am truly thankful. I don’t have a ton of friends so I love the ones I do have.
#3. The third group. Is.. What the hell. My biggest problem in life. The girls who do accept me. Do so on a absolutely ridiculous scale. They get this.. I dunno. I’ve decided to call it a golden fog. They see me as this shiny golden saint. And they are just absolutely head over heels infatuated with me. This has happened several times. Either with girls who I want to be with or even girls I just want to be friends with. But.. It just.. It ruins everything. They don’t hear what I have to say.. They.. I dunno. I really can’t explain this. The only way I’ve explained it in the past is to basically post conversations I’ve had with these girls. And some girls Understand afterwards. And totally agree after I explain to them. Like. yea that’s totally what it was. They don’t see me. They are in love with the idea of me. The person they think I am. Truthfully. I’m an asshole. And a terrible boyfriend. I’m hard to get along with.. but to the right person. I think it would be worth it. To the right person. I think I’d be much easier. But.. Like.. When this happens. It’s a light switch.. When It goes on that way.. it can go off just the same. Hence why I prefer the ones who’ve been around forever. The ones who know me. The ones who I know well enough to know that its not just a spark but something sustainable.
Going way back. Category #1.. Was somewhat the topic of the last post I deleted… But. yea.. It hurts so bad. When You know you can’t have the most perfect match you’ve ever met.
And All of this. Brings us to .. One of the things that started All of this. My current Facebook status.
“Driving home.. I saw a pretty girl walking down the side of the road in the dark… and I almost stopped to talk to her.. .. But then I decided.. clearly she was a killer there solely for the purpose of taking my soul.”
Similar statuses appear a lot with me. I like creating fantasies in my head about random girls whom I don’t know but I’m attracted to and find reasons why I can’t talk to these girls.
Most recently here. This girl. Was walking down the side of the road. No clue in hell who she was. But. In another scenario I Might have actually spoken to her. (Who am I kidding. No the hell I wouldn’t have. I am so chicken.) But we made eye contact. While I was driving past. I felt a connection of sorts.. She was very pretty. Disheveled hair. (.. and to admit something few people know… The random things I find.. attractive or something…. Is messed up hair.) Not that it was just wild or untamed. Just that it wasn’t all done up. It was parted a little off center. and lay flat. Slightly wavy. Just past shoulder length. A brunette color. Not much body to it. But hair that was just left to do it’s thing for the time being. Nice hair though. Hair that could be made fancy and curly with easy. Wearing a loose white shirt. Not Gangster loose. Maybe not even boy loose perhaps. Just. Not tight. Her figure wasn’t anything for the cover of a swimsuit calender. Humble. The type I find most attractive. Blue jean capris. Once again. Not tight. But form fitting enough. Well enough to see her shape. I’ll admit I looked. Which isn’t something I do particularly often. But on occasion. I am still a guy.. sometimes. She trod along the side of the road. Perhaps upset about something. I wondered if she was going somewhere. Or perhaps Leaving somewhere. Did she need a place to go? Was she there for me? Was this one of those times when I was supposed to pay attention to the universe and view this as seeing what I asked for? I don’t know? I’m not good at listening to the universe. Either way. I wanted. So. So. So. badly to stop. But I didn’t. I drove on. And went home. Doubting I’ll ever see her again.
But this is the thing that happens to me. I mean.. Not so strongly always as this. And I really have Absolutely no basis to care for this girl. I don’t know this girl. I know nothing other that the split second glimpse into each others eyes.
Prior though. The girl at gamestop. Cute girl. Liked video games. Etc Etc. Didn’t talk to her.. Then.. messaged her on facebook. Guess that made me a creepy stalker? Yea. Probably. Anyway.. No response. Can’t speak to her ever again now. Girl at the Deli.. Didn’t speak to her when I had the chance. Don’t know the situation. Know she was pretty. Nice. And made sammiches. (sarcasm.. but true.) Um. Let’s see. Who else.. There was a girl at college one time.. Saw her drive past.. Very very pretty. Walked right past her in the book store later that day. Didn’t say a word. I wish for chances. And when I get them. I completely fail. It’s really what I do.
<It’s funny to think back actually. Because a girl from my #1 category was exactly that. I was absolutely afraid to speak to her. Thought she was beautiful. Loved the way she dressed. Etc. Just judging from afar but felt like someone I’d like to know. And then one day. She talked to me. Which, I mean.. Is a big deal for me. And turned out to be so amazing. But, I’m not sure the pain of knowing how great she is but that I can’t have her is per say better than simply having never spoken to her at all. Atleast that way there would only be the slight hint of regret. As they say. Ignorance is Bliss. But.. Going back. I most certainly wouldn’t give up having her as a friend.>
This was really all for me.. (well the whole blog is really) but.. Just to get things out of my head.. Help organize my own thoughts some. Maybe help see things more clearly. Help figure things out some.
… What is it I want? Someone to love.. Someone who makes me happy.. It isn’t about physical stuff.. I fail at being a guy in the sector. I’ve rejected plenty of offers for physical things. It’s not what I want. I want someone to talk to. Someone to be there. Someone to share my life with. Someone to go to concerts with me. To go to the grocery store with me. To talk about fish with me. To lay and cuddle with me.. Someone to Share their life with me.. Someone to tell me about their problems. Someone who’ll let me try to help them. Someone who’ll let me do things for them. Someone to care about. Someone to make Me to be the Me I want to be. To make me be my Best. To make me be who I know I can be. To be my reason to have a life. And I know it’s a lot to put on one person. Blah blah blah. And no the world won’t fall apart without them. But I’m just the type of person who relies on having others. A symbiote.
Even friends though.. Friends that meet any of the criteria. I just live having others in my life. Others to talk to. People who tell me things.
To be completely honest. I don’t remember where all of this started at this point. I’ve deleted a lot out of it cause it was getting too windy. Anyway. I guess this is enough for now. I just needed to write something. And now I have. And on one of my favorite subjects.